Sunday, November 23, 2008

It's been a long time

Well I've been told I need to do an update since it's been a while. Thanks for the reminder pink lady. Well I am no longer doing daycare becuase of a long story that doesn't need to be hased again. I also had a sort of mental breakdown. Ever since Tred's due date came and went things have been going down hill. I was a complete mess that seconed guessed everything I did. I went to the dr. and was put back on medication, why I went off I have no idea but I obviously can't function without them. I feel like a failure that I can't function in life without the medication but I guess I will have to stay on it as long as it helps me heal.

I really had no idea that Tred's due date would hit so hard. It has been harder now than the first few months of his passing. I am going to counseling which is helping. I am able to talk to the dr. without feeling as though I am burdening her with my problems. I know many people say that when I talk about Tred isn't a burden but it feels like it to me. I don't want to live my life sad that I lost Tred, I want to live happy that I was able to have the time I had with him.

Life is hard, I'm just glad that I have so many wonderful people in my life that are their for me when I need them.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Is their a word or set of words that make you stop in your tracks?

Their is for me. It's 2 words and those that know me, know those words. Every time I hear them or see them written, I get flushed, sick feeling in my stomach and just plain pissed. Another thing I have to deal with I guess.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

October 15th is Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

On October 15, at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the United States will light candles in memory all of the precious babies that have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

October 13, 2008

This was my due date with Tred. I'm so sad he's gone. Tred we Love you and Miss you. Please keep watching over us.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Bittersweet feeling

I paid all of my bills from when Tred died. It feels good to have paid them since they were all overdue but it just makes me sad.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I'm sick of excuses

I am so tired of hearing excuses.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Rainy Day

I've had this on my mind for a while and now it just seems to be more emotional today. My due date is approaching and I am so anxious and sad. Will anyone remember my due date, no, but I sure will. I am so scared what that day is going to be for me. I have daycare children all day (which is a good thing, so my mind stays occupied) but when they leave how am I going to handle the day. Should I just go to bed, should we do something special for Tred? I don't know. I just know that every time I think of the day, I cry. It just makes me so angry and sad that he isn't alive.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


Nothing new. Just sitting here thinking about life and what it's all about.

Friday, September 19, 2008

September 19

I got a call this morning from my sister and she said my grandma died. I know she was sick but it's one of those things that you just don't want to accept. I know this time it's not just about me, it's about my mom. She lost both parents and I couldn't even imagein not having my parents around.

This is the first death in the family since Tred passed away and it just brings up so much emotion. I can't even explain how I'm feeling. Their are no words to express how sad I am for my mom.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

September 16th

Tred received his headstone. It looks good except it's a bit off center so the angel wing is not completely on the stone. I know I should say something from the people we purchased the stone from but I just fear that they will take it out and wait for the new one. I'm not ready to not see it the next time we visit. It hurt horribly bad to go and see it. We think it was put in the same day I had my tattoo. We recived a letter from the place we purchased the stone and they said it was put in the cemetary. It was a very bitter sweet visit to see his name in stone.

I am getting a bit emotional lately as his due date approaches. I am trying to find a way to keep busy but I am just not doing that very well. I seem to get sidetracked and start to think about how fast October is approaching.

As helpful as the computer has been, it's also a virus to me. I find it harder to do work every day and I'm sure it's just something that will pass but right now I can't keep my mind on one thing. I never know if it's Tred's passing or me just developing more issues. I have a counseling meeting coming up on Thursday. I start to wonder if this is going to be a good fit or not. It took almost 2 months to get it set up becuase of working during the day.

Hopefully when I go they will give me some useful information. I have been feeling very lonely being here at home. You can only have so much adult interaction with children.

*SIGH* It can only get better, It can only get better, It can only get better.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A couple of things

I finally got my tattoo. It hurt but was well worth it. I always wanted rosebuds with the childrens names on the rosebuds and after Tred died, DH said that it would be a wonderful time. SO I DID IT. I love it. He didn't say anything about it so I am not sure what his feelings are. I did get compliments from many people. I now have something to look at in the mirror.

We also got a letter in the mail that Tred's stone has been placed at the cemetary. I called Greg to tell him and he drove their after work and took pictures. It's so bittersweet.

I can only hope for better days. My friends from PLM group and my internet moms have been great. I don't know what I would do without them.

Sunday, August 31, 2008


I don't know what happened but I have been in pain all day. My back hurts so bad that am on the verge of tears. I can hardly stand up from a sitting or lying position. If I'm standing I'm fine I just can't put any pressure on my right leg or it will hurt horribly.

I am having issues with forgetfulness. I forgot again to take my meds and all hell broke loose. I was yelling at everyone for everything. Am I going to have to be dependant on these meds always to get through a day. My gosh, I had no idea how hard this was going to be.

Yesterday we went to a b-day party for my niece and she listened to me bitch about how only a few family members are their for us. I am so confused at how family members can completely ignore us and how we are hurting. Am I being selfish to expcet Greg's brothers to be their for them since DH was their for one brother when he was having problems? My sister hasn't talked to me in ages becuase she thinks I'm sad (per my mom), well DUH!!!!. So acknoweldge me. Greg doesn't wants to just write them off but for me it's easier to not deal with them then expect them to come around.

On another note, time is getting closer for my tatto. I am getting nervous becuase I know it's going to hurt but then I know If I am still alive to deal with the pain of losing Tred, I can handle the pain of a tattoo.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Feeling sad today.

Today was one of those tough days. I just felt sad from the moment I woke up until now. I wish I could turn off that sad switch. Better yet, I'd like to just erase the pain from my body and mind. I went to my support group today and my gosh, it was so hard. I cried so much my body aches. Just remembering everything that happened and the things the kids have said just make me overwhelmed. I am hoping DH comes with me next time, it's very exhausting.

Missing you baby Tred.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Week full of updates

Well my emotions were getting the best of me and I found yet another friend that has gone through the loss of their baby. It makes me so sad that so many people I know have had a loss that is just, in my opinion, is the hardest loss someone can have. This friend, "H", and I were e-mailing back and forth and she gave me such wonderful information. She really put so many things in perspective that I knew were true, I just couln't get myself to understand them. I am so thankful to "H" for helping me understand my feelings that I ventured out in public. That's right, after 2 months of only grocery shopping at night and not going out with friends, I took the plunge and went out 2 times in 1 week and 1 time this week.

"H" has been everything to me. She has helped me get out of this slump that I'm in by giving me wonderful advice on how to start to heal. Her exact quote to me " step OUTSIDE the pain. Its easier to live in the pain than it is to step outside it and learn to live life again. It's something so simple to say and yet so hard to do." And she is so right. It's easier to live sad, unhappy and in pain becuase it hurts so bad but yes I know that I have to try and live again.

A wonderful friend (my soul sister), "K", and I had dinner and we talked and it was wonderful. It's nice to have someone to talk with that understands, but it's also sad to have someone to talk with because they understand. We talked about our losses and laughed, which I haven't done in a long time, and just were their for each other. "K" was their for me more than I was for her. right now I hope to get back on the ball and be their for her when she needs to talk as well.

"C" and I went to dinner the next night and she was wonderful. We talked about Tred and things that are going on in her life. I am very thankful to have such a good friend that hasn't had a loss that will listen to me talk about my feelings and the feelings of my family. I am very thankful for her friendship. Not many people will sit and listen when they've never been in this place.

I have an elementary school friend"R", best friend. We both went through a loss when our friend died when she was 12. We had a very hard time, but we had each other. As time went on we both had our lives go in different directions and we lost contact with each other. We then found each other on another site and have been talking on the phone ever since. She came to visit and listen and stayed for 1/2 the day. She has been wonderful.

I'm slowly getting back into life again and it's been pretty hard. I still have my days but for the most art the medication is heling with that. I am trying to not see the futuer as blek becuase Tred isn't with us but as a blessing that he was with us for the short time he was.

I had a weird thing happen the other night. I went to bed at my ususal 3:00am, I have many reasons for this that I am going to try and get fixed, who knows if that will happen. but I woke up out of a sleep and could smell baby powder. We don't have powder in or near our room and immediatly I thought is was Tred. Is that weird to think? I am hanging on to anything that is different that could possibly be a sign from Tred. I can only hope he is happy and being taken care of by my grandfathers and Greg's grandparents.

Thank you to my wonderful friends that have been their for us.

Monday, August 4, 2008

I think I spoke too soon

UUUGGGHHHH. OK I am now just an angry and mad person. Everything just pisses me off lately. I just don't want to make anyone mad but I'm sure I will. I just can't stand to hear when someone is pregnant. I get so angry and I know I shouldn't but I do. I just can't deal with my feelings today. I started crying when I told Greg I was going to go out. WHY am I crying. Well I haven't seen many people and the idea of going out in public just scares me. It may sound dumb, but it does scare me. What if I have to explain what happened to our little Tred and then their is that ackward silence or I have a melt down. I don't want to do that in public. It's a lot easier to do it at home becuase my family has seen it so many times.

I have been emotional and angry all day. I don't know if it started from something E said or if I just woke up to it. I had gotten the kids breakfast and E asked B if he was sad that Tred died. B said ya I'm sad. Then E said I'm not sad my heart is sad. I just didn't know what to say and started to tear up. How does a 3 year old know about a heart being sad. UGH. Why does my family have to deal with this or with me for that matter. Some days I just don't want to wake up and others I think I will wake up from this dream. Everything just seems so uncertain. I just want to be happy, how do I do that?

Friday, August 1, 2008

I think the meds are working

I think I had said this but just in case I didn't(I am horrible at remembering) the dr.s upped my antidepressant medication. They felt as though I needed at higher dose. Well it seems to be helping a bit. I still cry, just not as much and it's mostly at night when I'm lying in bed unable to sleep. I just have too many thoughts on "what could have been". Greg and I had a talk last night about a lot of things from his family to our family. MIL has come back into our life and we've just decided to let things be water under the bridge. Greg has opened up more than he ever has. I enjoy being able to talk to him and get the truth of how he is feeling instead of the usual "nothing is wrong" or "I'm fine".

MIL has been a huge help through all of our struggles and I am grateful that she is stepping up to be the mother we've always wanted her to be.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I feel like the worst friend.

I have so many wonderful friends and I just can't get myself to call them. I am in my own world and I just can't do it. I sit here at home and daydream about what life would be like having Tred. Is it healthy, probably not but it's something I can't help. I see the other kids and just wonder if Tred would be like them. I am thinking I now have anxiety. I get very nervous for things to happen and can't make definite plans on anything for fear of crying in public. Why would it be any different than crying at home. The attention I guess. I love attention but not in that way. I have a wonderful group if internet friends and I sign on to see how everyone is doing but I just can't get myself to post. They are all important but I am afraid of people thinking I've gone on with my life. I'm afraid to smile, to joke, to really do aything. I want the world to know about Tred and those that know about him, I don't want them thinking I've forgot about him. Is that silly?

I don't know about much these days. My life is the title of my blog I'm trying. *SIGH* A great friend, K, told me it gets easier. I sure hope so becuase right now from where I stand, I'm in a hole and just can't get out.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

It had to happen.

Today I had to drop my oldest off at a birthday party. I was pretty sure everyone knew that we had lost Tred, but not everyone knew. I got him to the party place and one of the moms asked if I had the baby yet. I took a breath and told her that Tred was stillborn. She looked at me in shock, apologized and then started to tear up. I told her not to otherwise I would cry and it wouldn't make for a fun day for the kids. She again said she was sorry and then turned to talk to other moms. I told her I had to go, which I did, and then left. I teared up a bit in the van but stopped before I made it to my destination. I picked him up 3 hours later and the mom didn't say another word about Tred or us losing him. I wish everyone would just talk about him or talk about how we lost him. He is still a person. We still hurt deeply that he's gone. *SIGH*

Thursday, July 24, 2008

We actually talked

Well it's been a while since Greg and I talked about our feelings, about Tred and about our future. It was a good conversation. We made it through with tears in our eyes but we talked. We both decided that we will no longer be getting "fixed". I was not wanting to make it a permanent thing and even more so now. We really thought we had our completeness - is that a word - with 4 children. Now that we have experienced Tred passing away we are very sure that we don't want to make our fertility a permanent loss. (I hope that makes sense) Anyway I told him what went on at the dr. and that the dr. asked if I would like to be on birth control and I said no. The dr. asked if I get pregnant would that be an OK think for DH and I. In my rudeness I said "I am OK with that and was OK with being pregnant 4 times too, if I get pregnant again I think it would be more than OK." I apologized for my harshness and said I know that it is party of her job to ask and she said that it's something expected when some has such a significant loss. I talked to DH about this and he was on board with no birth control as well it's another one of those permanent things that we don't want to do.

We are in the process of starting Tred's memorial garden. Greg and his brother own their own Irrigation business so we have added a watering system to the garden which means that it will get watered every day. So far we have had a few wonderful donations from family. My mom and dad bought us a beautiful wrought iron trike. MIL and FIL have given us an angel that lights up at night and she put Tred's name on the star that the angel is holding, 2 garden light sticks that turn color at night and 2 plants to put in the wrought iron trike. It's coming along slowly. We wanted the children to be involved so they will plant a flower every year for Tred and we also purchased a stone to put in the garden with a beautiful phrase "My Love No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it and only God knows why. We probably won't get any flowers for the garden until next year becuase Greg has been out of work for 3 weeks unpaid. Financially we can't do them this year so the garden is pretty much done this year. We are looking for some garden stakes or chimes that have Angles on them. I was hoping I could find a nice pregnancy loss or stillbirth garden items but their are none out their that I can find. If anyone wants to help us find those things that would be great.

We Love and Miss you tons Tred.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

What a day.

I had my 6 week check-up today and it was so emotional. I thought I would be fine but the minute I stepped into the office I felt as though I was going to fall apart. I also had to fill out a questionnaire on my mental status. I wasn't prepared for that at all. Needless to say, they gave me a higher dose of medication. I thought I was doing better but I apparently wasn't. Of course their are 2 Angie's in the waiting room so when they called my name I just assumed it was the other one and sat and waited. The nurse came out and said I was the Angie she wanted. While waiting to be called back, in walks 2 pregnant women. OH MY HEART JUST SANK. I just wanted to walk out. I was supposed to be in that office for my pregnancy not a post-partum visit. The nurse came and got me and said that she was so sorry for making me wait and stated that it was probably the last place I wanted to be. She was right. They roomed me and the nurse told me she was sorry for our loss and to let us know if their was anything they could do so I said thank you. The NP came in and spoke to me and she gave me a higher dose of meds and gave me a referral to a Therapist. Thank goodness becuase I wasn't finding one on my own. I also have an appt. to have 2 lumps under my arms looked at. It was definitly not milk so it looks at though I may need surgery again to have 2 fatty tumors removed. OH JOY. These appts are so bitter sweet. Yes I need the help but I shouldn't be going to these appts because I should be pregnant.

Monday, July 21, 2008


Well I am starting to trust God and pray to him even thought I am still angry. I feel as though I was giving him a time-out for Tred's death. I am still angry and he was the person I could blame because he was supposed to protect us. I guess I am very thankful to have everyone and everything I have, I just want to blame someone for Tred dying and God was the available party to be angry with. Yes, I believe in God and I hope he can forgive me for being so angry with him, but that doesn't mean that I am still angry for having to deal with my children, husband and myself being sad and having a gaping hole in our hearts.

We Love you Tred!!!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Tribute to Tred

I have been working on a Tribute and reminder of how Tred looked and how things were when Tred was bornstill. I found it hard to do but needed to do it. I was working on a program that I Had on my computer but it just didn't work the way I wanted. A friend got in contact with me and showed me a tribute to her son (very beautiful and precious) and I took advantage of the site and made one that turned out just as I wanted. Thank you to that person. I need to thank many people but I owe lots to 3 wonderful woman that have extended their hands to me and told me their stories of loss. I will be forever grateful and thankful to have you in my life. If it wasn't for your support and stories I don't know how I would have made it through my loss. You 3 women know who you are and I thank you for everything you have done and thank you immensely for taking me under your wings and showing my life can go on and that Tred will live in my heart forever.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

How do I get my faith back????

UGH, I am just lost at how to get my faith back. I am so angry with God and can't help but question why. Why was Tred taken from us. Why do I have to be so sad, angry and hurt. Why does my husband have to deal with the loss of his son. Why do my children have to endure the hurt of losing a brother. WHY, WHY, WHY? Why would my God take our son from us. I keep thinking these things when I get a question from my 3 year old that is full of questions that I can't answer.

This morning while getting ready for the day I woke the kids up. E wanted to cuddle and have his back lightly tickled (something all of the boys enjoy). He asked "Why did the baby die", I could only tell him because he was sick because I wanted that answer as well. He then asked "When can he have his lives back", I told him that he isn't here on earth with us but he will see him again in heaven. Yes I still believe in heaven, I just have a hard time believing in God right now. He then asked "Are you sad mommy". And I answered him as I always do "I'm sad that Tred is in haven but happy that I have you".

Can someone tell me why my 3 year old asks these questions. He is just too young to have to notice this type of pain and sadness. *SIGH* Why can't I be happy that we had the opportunity to have Tred in our lives. Instead I am just so sad that he isn't with us now. I just want that hurt to go away. I want to believe in God that he will help us heal but I just can't find that.

I love and miss you baby Tred.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Happiness seems so far away

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror. I look old. I look so worn down and I now have a permanent frown. I've always heard that a frown takes more muscles than a smile however, I am not even making the frown. It's just their on my face. What's their to be happy about? My other children and my husband. I can't even smile for them anymore. I love them with all of my heart but their is that hole in my heart that is just prevailing over my happiness. Everyone around me seems to be doing great. Time has gone by and Tred isn't the main subject anymore and that just scares me. I want the world to know that I had him and what casued him to pass away. I looked at his pictures today and just cried. How could a perfect little boy be taken away by such a dumb virus. Everything I do, everthing I look at just reminds me of him. I go to sleep and the frist thing I see when I close my eyes is his face. I have a recurrent dream of when we had him. Every morning I wake up and it's as if I have relived his birth the daybefore. Really, why do I have to go through this? Why does my family have to go through this. I thought I was doing ok, but then the sadness just hits me. I just can't get over that question. WHY, WHY, WHY???? I just want an answer. I am going to be requesting my medical records so we have just 1 more thing to remember that I was pregnant and that he was living in me. I have my 6 week check up coming soon and I just dread going. I only saw the dr 2 times and then went to the highrisk dr. I want it to get easier and want to be happy that I had him for the brief time that I did but I am just sad that I don't have him.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

It's been a month

What a long month it has been. I am finding myself sad all the time. I can't sleep but when I do find time to sleep I just can't get up. I keep dreaming of Tred and seeing his face everytime I go to sleep which might explain why I don't want to wake up. I am hearing from people I never thought I would hear from saying they are sad and sorry to hear about our baby. Anytime anyone says they are sorry about our baby I hold it together long enough and then breakdown when they can't see me. I am finding it harder to want to be alive. Don't get me wrong. I would never hurtmyself, I just don't like feeling this way. I am sad, angry, frustrated, unmotivated, tired, and just feel as though I have a black cloud around me. I am wanting so bad to find faith in God and just don't know how to do it. I have been calling around and found 2 counselors that deal with pregnancy loss so I am determined to seek them out and help. I am going to get in touch with our church to see if they can recommend a place to speak with someone/group with regard to finding my faith again. I really never thought I would be in this place ever. I want to be hapy again and happy and I can only hope that Tred is happy where he is. It hurts so much knowing that he's gone and that we won't be able to see him grow. I look at the kids and it just makes me sad seeing the 3 children playing and knowing that that one is missing.

Sunday, June 29, 2008


We have designated Sundays our cemetary visitation day. The kids look forward to this day and actually got mad when Greg was working. They thought we weren't going to be going. I assured them that Dad had to work and we will visit Tred later in the day. It was so nice to go see him today. This week has been a rought one, I don't know why, it just has been. My sister has been so good to me. She calls to see how I'm doing and has been able to listen to me whenever I need to talk to someone.

I also have a wonderful internet support group. I have internet friends that I have talked on-line with for 7 years (since I was pregnant with P). I also have a wonderful set of internet friends that I am able to see in real life. I have gotten so much support from both groups of woman and am so greatful that I found them. I am so greatful for the wonderful women I have in my life. You are all definitly my sisters.

Thank you all that have supported us through this rough time. I am sure I will have more rought days ahead of me and am so glad I am able to discuss it with all of you!

On a different note, I am finding it harder and harder as time goes on to smile. I noticed this when we were driving to visit Tred. I find it hard to smile at anything and just want it to change. I hate being unhappy and sad. I have wonderful friends and a great family and I still can't fine it in myself to smile. I want to be happy again. I e-mailed a wonderful person "C" about how I hate GOD right now and I don't want to feel that way either. Sometimes I feel so lost and lonely that it makes me even more sad and unhappy. *SIGH*

I have decided to seek out professional help. I don't want the other children to feel as thought I don't care about them. I have noticed that I have changed and want to be happier for them. I hope I can find it in myself to follow-through with getting myself happier.

Why can't I do this.

I was invited to a friends house a week ago but it was for today. I got things to go there and I had P and E with. I had them all packed to go and I had to grab a few things at the store. I was on my way there and I just couldn't do it. This wave of fear and sadness just swept over me. My day started out with sleeping too late (sleep issues are not a new thing for me but have gotten worse). I had to get Greg a pair of swim trunks for a swimming party he was taking B to so I could go to my friends house. I had a hell of a time finding swim trunks and then I ended up with the wrong size. I am just so embarrassed that I wasn't able to do this. I had to text my friend and tell him I was having a bad day. I ended up at my moms house and cried a bit. UUUGGGHHH. I just want this feeling to go away. Sadness, Anger and Fear are just no fun.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Lets try this again

I lost my other post so this may be rambling. I went to a support group last night and it was nice. I feel as though I was able to cry and I didn't need to hide my feelings to protect Greg and the kids from being sad. I received our baby pictures today. They were beautiful. I also received my bracelet that I had ordered for myself and the kids. I am going to order a keychain for Greg.

Another day

Yesterday I got a visitor in the afternoon. My pictures of Tred arrived. They were just beyond beautiful. I enjoy looking at his pictures but then again it's so hard that I have pictures and not him. I also received my charm for my bracelet that I ordered for myself and the kids. I am still trying to find a decent priced keychain for Greg to have. I went to a support group last night and it was nice to be able to cry and not feel as thought I need to kep it together for the kids. I am trying to look at things in a lighter note but it's very hard to do when a piece of my heart is missing. I am trying to get out more but it's hard. I want to be happy but it's hard. I feel if I go and do fun things, I am not remembering my little boy. I know it sounds silly but I just don't want to forget him. I don't want my happiness to overshadow him being a person. Someone told me a great quote from the Dr. Seuss movie - Horton hears a Who "A person's a person no matter how small". Thank you for that quote!!!

Monday, June 23, 2008


I made an agreement with a magazine company about purchasing magazines. Well apparently I can't cancel it becuaes it's alike a pre-pay magazine subscription. This middle man company pays for the magazines ahead of time. SO now I am stuck with this useless payment of magazines that noone reads. I don't want to make the payment becuase in order for funeral expenses to be paid, we need to cut costs as soon as possible. *SIGH* This is so hard.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Does it ever get easier?

The last few days have been hard. I can't seem to contain my sadness and cry at the drop of a hat. I see a baby I cry, I see a pregnant woman I cry, I see baby clothes I cry. I see my children and I cry because they won't get to lay with their brother. *SIGH* Life is so hard and then you add the loss of your child and it's even harder. My sister explains things to be like she would a child, I need hearing the child analogies because it's easier to comprehend. She said that you found out your baby has passed, you have to give birth to him, you have his funeral and you also have postpartum depression. She said hello, you will cry and get angry. Right now I feel as though I'm in a black hole that I just can't get out of. My happiness has been drained. I don't laugh, I don't smile I don't joke around. It's so hard to feel this way knowing how I was before Tred passed away.

My sister and I went to a tatoo parlor. I have been wanting a tatto of the kids for years I've just never set anything up. I was so impressed with the free hand drawing and am so excited about the tatoo. It was more than I was wanting. I wanted rose buds with the childrens names spelled in the stem. The tatoo artist said that it would look messy so he drew rosebuds and a banner with their names. It was beautiful. I wanted Tred's name and birth/death date on wings. He drew a full bloom rose with wings and Tred's name and birth/death date as the top of the tatoo. I just about started to cry. It was beautiful. It will take 4 hours and of course it's expensive. but well worth it. Greg wasn't even shocked by the money once he saw how amazing the tatoo was. We are all lookig forward to September when the tatoo gets done. One highlight is I get all of my children's names on me forever!!!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tred's Funeral

Tred's funeral was on June 9th at 3:00. We got to the cemetary at 2:30 our families were already their. We pulled into the one of many driveways and met with the funeral home. He was talk and all I heard was Tred's in the backseat. As soon as I heard that I broke down. He will never be in my backseat but he's in their backseat. After a few hugs and crying and waiting for the preist, we all started our line of cars to the gravesite. Greg had given our camera to our Sister-in-law to take pictures. We of course wanted as many pictures as possible to remember Tred and his service. Greg the kids and I got out of the van and the priest immediatly came up to us and offered his sorrow for our loss. I again broke down. After a few minutes to catch ourelves, Greg picked Tred's casket out of the funeral homes truck. It was so small but beautiful. I again broke down. I could't contain myself at that point watching Greg walk Tred's casket to his resting spot. The service began and Greg and I just cried the whole time. Neither of us were really watching the children becuase we thought they would talk to family members. The priest has finished his prayers came to us to again offer his condolences. I was fixed on Tred's casket and really didn't pay attention to our surroundings. Greg looked at the kids and P was in tears. He told me and I grabbed her and we huged for about 10 minutes but it felt like forever. I wanted to badly to take away her sadness but we were all feeling sad. We all went back to the van and P was still crying. E has said in a sad voice "I want my brother back". Again we all broke down and started crying. B, P, E, Greg and myself were just heartbroken. We all wanted our little boy back. My sister came over to me and hugged me and we cried together. She has had a few early losses as well and with Tred passing, I'm sure brought her feelings of loss back to the forefront. I am so greatful that I have my sister to lean on. She has been my rock. She calls daily to check up on us and she's their when I just need someone to vent to. She doesn't add her two-cents, she just listens. She is just wonderful and I will be forever greatful that I have her in my life. We came home after the funeral and have a nice lunchon that my sister put togther. All family members brought something, which is great since Greg and I haven't had any energy to cook. The engergy we have is spent mourning our loss of Tred and making it as easy as we can for the children. Greg and kids and I talked about something to do to keep Tred's spirit alive. We all decided to make a garden. No tree's just flowers. This gives the kids a chance to be a part of his life and make him as important as they are. We will plant flowers every year. We decided on flowers so if we ever plan to move, our garden can come with us. We are in the process of designing and making the garden look beautiful.

Monday, June 16, 2008

From the beginning

I will start from the beginning. Greg and I have 3 children and had only planned on having 2. While we were dating in Highschool we had always talked about having a boy and then a girl and then we would be done having children. We had our boy and then we had our girl. Greg and I didn't want to make any medical decision about not having anymore children. A few years went by and low and behold, I was pregnant. I was on the pill and got pregnant. We were in complete shock. I had been on the pill and it always worked. We were so happy to be adding to the family even if it wasn't planned. Another few years went by and Holy Crap, we are pregnant again. Another unplanned pregnancy but we were again excited to add another person to our family.

As the months went on we had to wait to go to the dr. because we were between insurances. I found out I was pregant after both Greg and I thought it had been a while since I had my AF. I am a very moody person and had been diagnosed as having PMDD so that moodiness wasn't their. I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. I called DH at work and said "Are you sitting down". I told him "We're pregnant". He couldn't belive it. We again weren't trying and it happened. He was excited and scared as I was. I went to a local no pay pregnancy place and they confirmed I was pregnant. I started prenatal vitamins and went online to see what foods I wasn't able to eat.

As time went on we slowly started to tell friends and family that we were having a 4th. Holy buckets, I was going to have another baby. I went on ebay and craigslist to find maternity clothes, baby clothes and then of course I was determined to breastfeed. I went online and was looking at cover-ups. I found a beautiful green one that was for both boys and girls. DH and I decided this would be our last baby, 4 children was a great number. I got rid of everything after we had E.

I had my first appointment with a Nurse practitioner. I switched OBGYN's because of the drive time. It choose an OBGYN that was closer to our home. My appt. was on Tuesday April 8th at 9:30am. Our new insurance was in effect and by my LMP I was already 3 months pregnant. Everything was going great. On Wednesday April 23rd I found out I was exposed to Fifths disease (parvovirus). I was in a panic, but my sister and husband thought things were fine. I was exposed to it before and once you've caught it, you can't get it again. I called my OB and they wanted me to come in and have labwork done. I wasn't able to do it during the day becuase of my work. Well that night I went to my general practitioner's office to have lab work done becuase of my time issues. I had to wait a few days for the results but on Saturday I already knew what they were. I had developed the rash that is consistant with Fifths disease. I got my lab results back on Monday and my OB decided it would be beneficial to see a high risk OB to have ultrasounds done to make sure our baby didn't catch the virus.

My next OB visit was on Tuesday May 6th and I saw a dr. this time. She was so nice and very informative. She said that when I go to the highrisk dr. that they would keep her uptodate as to what the ultrasound results are. My First Ultrasound was on May 18. I took a shower around 11:30 becuase I couldn't sleep. I got out of the shower and I was bleeding. I was admitted to L&D and they did an ultrasound and everything was fine. They had no idea why I was bleeding and since it stopped they send me home. We also found out we were having a boy. DH was so excited that he already had a named picked out. He told me the name and I was all for it. It was an unusual name but not too far off the wall. All of our children have unique names. Also we thought our srteak was pretty funny. All of the boys were unplanned pregnancies. We were pretty sure that we were having a boy for that reason and the ultrasound confirmed it. I also bought tons of clothing online for a boy. I have newborn to 24 month clothes. Roughly 2 bags for each age group. I was set for clothing.

I had my first highrisk ultrasound on Tuesday May 20th. Everything was fine but they wanted me to come in every week to keep an eye on the baby. The dr.s main concern was to keep an eye on anemia developing in our baby boy. I was scheduled to have another ultrasound on Tuesday April 27th but it my oldest sons field trip and I wanted to go along with him. We reschedule the ultrasound for Wednesday May 28th. The ultrasound revealed our worst fear, he was anemic. He had fluid in his abdomen (ascities) as well as small amounts of fluid around his heart. They rescheduled me for an ultrasound on Thursday April 29th to see if things were getting worse. The next day came by pretty fast and we had the ultrasound and it was for certain, it was worse. The fluid in the abdomen had gotten worse. It was also getting worse around his heart and now their were signs in his head and neck. We were scheduled for a blood transfusion. It wasn't me having the transfusion, it was our little boy. He was so small and his gestational age was 20 weeks and 4 days. The dr.s were very certain that he would be fine after the transfusion with a and we would have a follow-up ultrasound on Monday June 2nd if things looked better. If they didn't look better we would have another trnasfusion on Tuesday June 3rd.

We went into the office on Friday May 30th at 2:00 to have the transfusion. I was crying out of fear for our baby. The dr.s had to use the ultrasound machine to see where the baby was. He was so small they decided to fill the abdomen with the transfusion and then on Tuesday if he needed another transfusion they would go through the umbilical cord. His umbilical cord was so small that they wanted to wait a week to see if the umbilical cord got a bit bigger. The dr stuck the needle in my belly, through my uterus and into the amniotic fluid. Our baby boy moved so they had to take the needle out and try again. The second attempt was great. They did it all and the needle was in our baby's belly and filling the ascites (fluid filled abdomen) with blood. It worked, we were one day closer to saving our baby. I was told to take it easy all weekend and not lift anything over 5 lbs. I rested as much as I could being we have 3 active children.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound on Monday June 2nd at 3:45 to check and see if the ascites had gotten worse of if the transfusion worked. This day will be in my memory forever. Greg was working so we thought it was fine for me to go to the ultrasound because our baby would be fine. I walked in, layed down and got ready for the ultrasound. She started and I knew immediatly, their was no heartbeat. She swept around my belly and then delivered the devestating news. I'm sorry your baby has passed. I need to get the dr. and do a few more scans. She handed me some tissue and then left to tell the dr. She came back in to me in tears. She said she was sorry and rubbed my arm before she had to continue the ulrasound. They had to have in their paperwork that their was no heartbeat. She said she was goig to have the dr. and nurse come in to talk to me. She left the room and I just broke down staring at the tv screen. HOW COUD THIS HAPPEN TO US. I was a wreck. I sat in the chair thinking I was in a dream. I just heard his heartbeat on Friday, how could this be happening to us.

The dr. that did the transfusion, the nurse, the ultrasound tech and another dr. came in to offer their condolenses and help me through the news that I just received. They asked if I wanted to stay or to leave. I wanted to call Greg before I did anything. I called him hysterical. He asked what was wrong and I told him, "he died". We were both silent and then he said "WHAT", and I broke down. I said that he had died and that their wasn't a heartbeat. We talked for a bit and we decided that is was best for Greg to go on with the night becuase B had baseball. I left the office with some pregnancy loss paper work and when I got to my van, I called my sister and just cried. She was so great and said she was sorry and asked if we needed help with getting the kids to their sports. I told her that I would, but not today. I called my mom and we both cried on the phone. Greg's mom was watching the children and I just didn't want to see her or anyone for that matter. I got home and right away Greg ran out to me and we stood their and hugged and cried. We told the kids and it didn't really set in for them right away. They weren't sure what to say or do but I really didn't expect them to know. This is not something a child or anyone should have to go through.

I called the dr. the next day to see what to do next. I was given the option to let my body go into labor on it's own or to be induced. I choose to be induced. I couldn't even imagine going into labor and have physical pain on top of the emotional pain I was feeling. The dr.'s office scheduled me to come in to their office on Wednesday to start the process of delivering our baby boy.

I went to the dr. on Wednesday June 4th at 2:oo to have Dilateria, a laminaria by product, put into my cervix to help soften it to get it ready for labor. It was painful. One thing I didn't want is pain. I already had enough pain that started when we found out our baby boy was gone. I had some slight cramping so I pretty much stayed in bed the rest of the night. We were scheduled for our induction at the hospital at 8:00 Thursday morning.

I went to the hospital the next day to be induced. We were told to be at the labor and delivery department at 8:00. We got their at 7:30 because traffic was lighter than we had planned. The nurse came and got us at about 8:45 and nothing was started until 10. We had to walk past the nursery which was so hard knowing I wasn't going to have our baby in that area. at 10:00 they put some pills near my cervix to help it dialiate. Every 4 hours they had to repeat this. I wasn't sure what time it was but the contractions and back pain started and I asked for an epidural. I wanted this to go as painlesss as possible. After 8 failed attempts at sticking that damn needle in my back, the 9th time was a charm. It was working, the pain was gone. I could still feel a bit of feeling in my feet and I could move my legs but the back pain was gone.

At about 11:00 I could feel some pressure. The dr. came in and said the pressure was my bag of water. She broke my water and said we could either push him out or let my body do the pushing. I looked at Greg and said "what do I do". I really didn't know what to do. I wasn't ready for this to happen. I wasn't ready. Greg really wasn't ready to make the decision either so I said I would push him out. It took 2 pushes and Tred Paul was born still at 11:11 pm. He was 12 oz. and 9 1/2 inches long. The nurse asked if I wanted to see Tred and I said yes. They didn't have to clean him up as he looked wonderful. The dr. said she would come back later and check on the placenta and the nurse left as well. Greg was very emotional and had a hard time talking. He was crying like I have never seen before and that just made me hurt. I felt a of peace for Tred but was very angry that he was gone. He was just beautiful. He had so many features that we saw in the other children. We had the Hospital Chaplain come in and bless him and the Chaplain talked with us for a while and she prayed for us to get our faith back becuase of my anger towards God. The next day we had pictures taken from Now I Lay me Down to Sleep. The photographer was wonderful. She was so respectful of us and our little boy.

We didn't sleep at all. We took catnaps but not a good sleep. I was afraid that if I didn't look at him constantly, I would forget what he looks like. If I wasn't holding him I was looking at him. The next day at 3:30 we were as ready as we could have been to leave. I had such a hard time leaving without out baby. We were leaving the room and I kissed Tred on the forehead and said I love you as we walked out of the room. The nurse, that had taken care of me while I was in labor and when I delivered Tred, was starting her shift for the day and asked if she could give me a hug on our way out. She is a wonderful lady and was so good to us knowing what was going to happen.

We came home and my sister was watching the other children. She was just great. We walked in and she had done everything. She stayed for about 10 minutes looking at Tred's pictures and then left so we could have some time with the children. I explained what happened and showed them pictures. They thought he was so cute and talked about stuff to do for him. I pretty much spent the next few days in bed trying to figure out what to do with myself. I eventually got out of bed and stayed around home. I just wanted to hide.

We are all still trying to heal and I still am angry with God for what happened. How could such a simple virus end our baby's life. I may in time forgive God but for now I am just angry that he would want our family to be so sad.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I'm just exhausted

P wanted to go for a walk today so we took the big dogs and she E and I went for a walk. It was nice to get out but still felt as though everyone was looking at me. We got home and the neighbors asked how I was. I couldn't lie, I said I feel like shit. I do. I don't do anything for myself, I have to almost leave myself notes to brush my teeth and take a shower. I've given up on my happiness and have not put more effort into the kids and them being happy. A person that I know is pregnant and is due 2 weeks after I was. We talked and I asked her if she found out the sex of her baby. She said she was having a boy. I had a feeling she was going to have a boy and it just cut through my heart. I envisioned the future and my little guy wasn't a part of it. I held it together until I went in the house and I just broke down. I am very happy for her I'm just more sad for us. I still question WHY. I just want an answer as to why Tred won't be able to grow-up and play with us or is brothers and sisters. I worry about the impact his death is on the children. P doesn't want to talk about him, E talks about him all the time and B somehow feels he's the reason he passed away. I am now trying to deal with my sadness and on top of it I have to figure out a way to make the kids feel just as important as our little Tred.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Today will be a week

Today is a week since we had our little angel. Greg and I are trying to cope with being parents and grieving the lost of our little Tred. Greg is taking this hard but is trying to hide it from me but I know him too well. He is hurting that his friends have not reached out to him. He wants the world to know how beautiful our little boy was but has nobody to talk with about it. I hope he can join a support group. We both need outlets.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It's so hard

I've been trying hard not to be so sad but it just won't go away. I find I am robbing my children of their happiness. Today was hard. I find that when I am not doing anything that I tend to think of our little boy and get mad and angry at the fact that he isn't going to be with us. It hurts to know that we won't be able to see him crawl, walk, babble. It's just so hard to not be so sad. I saw a wonderful announcement in a yard "IT'S A BOY". What a wonderful event for that family but it is so hard to see. Our little boy doesn't get that. I just keep asking myself WHY?? I just don't understand.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Not a good day

Today we came home from the hospital from having our baby. We had a boy on June 5th and named him Tred Paul. We were able to spend time with him from 11:11pm to 3:45pm. It was very hard leaving him and I'm sure much harder when we have his funeral service. I hope both Greg and I can make it through this.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

My First Post

I am starting this post to help deal with our family's loss. We lost a baby and I need to help myself heal by getting it out. This will be the first of many to elp our family in the healing process. We found out Monday June 2, 2008 that we lost our little boy who was supposed to be born October 13, 2008. He was 20 weeks and 4 days gestation when he had a transfusion. We found out my ultrasound that he had passed away on 21 weeks gestation.