Saturday, June 14, 2008

I'm just exhausted

P wanted to go for a walk today so we took the big dogs and she E and I went for a walk. It was nice to get out but still felt as though everyone was looking at me. We got home and the neighbors asked how I was. I couldn't lie, I said I feel like shit. I do. I don't do anything for myself, I have to almost leave myself notes to brush my teeth and take a shower. I've given up on my happiness and have not put more effort into the kids and them being happy. A person that I know is pregnant and is due 2 weeks after I was. We talked and I asked her if she found out the sex of her baby. She said she was having a boy. I had a feeling she was going to have a boy and it just cut through my heart. I envisioned the future and my little guy wasn't a part of it. I held it together until I went in the house and I just broke down. I am very happy for her I'm just more sad for us. I still question WHY. I just want an answer as to why Tred won't be able to grow-up and play with us or is brothers and sisters. I worry about the impact his death is on the children. P doesn't want to talk about him, E talks about him all the time and B somehow feels he's the reason he passed away. I am now trying to deal with my sadness and on top of it I have to figure out a way to make the kids feel just as important as our little Tred.

4 comments:

Angie Smith said...

just wanted to let you know that i am praying for your sweet family, and the loss of your son. i am so glad you are choosing to write about your heart, and i pray god fills it with Himself as you walk through the grief. thanks for spending time with me, i will be honored to do the same in the coming days.

Ms Pink said...

Big hugs Angie.

Susan Austin said...

Hi Angie!
I am so glad to see that you have begun a blog...this can be an amazing tool for healing...just writing it all down...and then in the weeks and months to come you will see God's hand in your growth and healing along the way as you reflect on past posts.

I still have your images and your CD. I will pop it in the mail or I can come by your home. Please feel free to call me and let me know your wishes.

I am also a blogger and I find that it relaxes and centers me each day.
I'll be checking in on you daily!

Blessings,
Your NIMLDTS photographer
Sue Austin

-Paris Otremba- said...

Blogs are GREAT healing tools for a loss. I used BLOG a lot after my dad passed away. It's a great way to journal.

Please know I think of you EVERYDAY! It's definately not easy. And I'm glad your willing to tell people that you feel awefull. You shouldn't need to lie or put on a front. It's perfectly normal feel awefull... and it's expected that you should MOURN.

One thing that is hard to deal with is the feeling that the world continues to go on even when your world feels like it's paused.

Just remember.... TIME HEALS EVERYTHING. YOu will always have a broken piece in your heart for Tred, but you will learn to move on. It just takes time. Don't rush it.

Our prayers are with you, Greg, and the kids.