Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Happiness seems so far away

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror. I look old. I look so worn down and I now have a permanent frown. I've always heard that a frown takes more muscles than a smile however, I am not even making the frown. It's just their on my face. What's their to be happy about? My other children and my husband. I can't even smile for them anymore. I love them with all of my heart but their is that hole in my heart that is just prevailing over my happiness. Everyone around me seems to be doing great. Time has gone by and Tred isn't the main subject anymore and that just scares me. I want the world to know that I had him and what casued him to pass away. I looked at his pictures today and just cried. How could a perfect little boy be taken away by such a dumb virus. Everything I do, everthing I look at just reminds me of him. I go to sleep and the frist thing I see when I close my eyes is his face. I have a recurrent dream of when we had him. Every morning I wake up and it's as if I have relived his birth the daybefore. Really, why do I have to go through this? Why does my family have to go through this. I thought I was doing ok, but then the sadness just hits me. I just can't get over that question. WHY, WHY, WHY???? I just want an answer. I am going to be requesting my medical records so we have just 1 more thing to remember that I was pregnant and that he was living in me. I have my 6 week check up coming soon and I just dread going. I only saw the dr 2 times and then went to the highrisk dr. I want it to get easier and want to be happy that I had him for the brief time that I did but I am just sad that I don't have him.

No comments: