Monday, May 17, 2010

Glad it was a sunny day.

I say that sarcastically. I am glad it was a sunny day because I was able to wear sunglasses to hide the puffiness in my eyes. Yes I had been crying. I went to a children's birthday party and their were 2 new moms that I know talking about their babies birthday and how the hospital put them right on their chest and the baby start to breast feed and on and on....I just broke down. This is the first in a long time that I have cried. I had to go to my van because I just couldn't stop. This was the gut wrenching, hard time breathing crying that I experienced the day I found out out Tred and Talya had died. I was amazed that my husband, bless him, came up to the van to see where I was. He asked me what I was doing and I said nothing (why bother him with my worries and bring him down when he was having fun). he then asked if I was OK and I said ya and he gave me a hug and I just lost it again. I was a complete mess. I could barely catch my breath I was crying so hard. It's so frustrating that family doesn't understand my pain. I am having a hard time talking with people that haven't experienced this. I am able to talk to family but they just don't understand. I'm sure they are thinking in the back of their head that I am really needing to get over their deaths but I just can't. Everything reminds me of the babies and I mean everything. It is so hard to live in the moment when my my moments were taken and robbed from me.

The thins that really keep me going are my husband and children. I am so thankful to have them but yet I am so sad that they have to deal with me. I am so sad, I am not looking my best, I feel yucky and I just give off a vibe I don't want. I have said before that I am just not doing my living children justice and it just feels that way most of the time. I just don't know what else to do with my heart aching as much as it does.

On a bright note, E made a song today at the cemetary and it really was a good song. He kept singing it while we were visiting the babies and it was just so fitting. My love for those babies is so strong that I just don't know what to do with it anymore. I am so glad my husband and kids and I are able to talk about the babies and be happy and sad all at the same time.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Meaningful things make me happy and excited.

I am excited that I now have 2 followers on my other blog and one person that has already given me their baby's birthday information. I don't get excited that often but it makes my heart wam to know that I can do something to brighten someone's day.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Why do my feelings turn on me

I have been feeling good (good as in not crying every second of the day) and then you get those blows of emotions that literally knock you to your knees. Yes I had a good day overall but then I was thinking of some things and how some feel I should be over my grief of losing my children. I should not be uncomfortable or angry at being around pregnant people. I guess those are the same people that think I shouldn't celebrate any birthdays because they aren't here to enjoy them. Well I would like to say to them STFU!!!!! You have absolutely no idea what my husband, children and myself are going through. My children lost a brother and sister that they will never get to teach the fun things that brothers and sisters teach each other. My husband and I lost two children and had to bury them which is the most excruciating thing in the world to do. Why can't you just STFU and let me deal with my grief the way I want to deal with it. I don't judge you on how you handle tough issues, all I do is listen and I expect the same. If you think I should be over things than get out of my life because I will never be over losing my babies.....EVER!