Monday, January 31, 2011 wait, I'm not sorry.

I have been trying hard to get on-line to post but it is just too hard lately.  I am working and trying to keep my mind occupied.  It's been working for the most part but I am now back to staying up late.  I have been having dreams again horrible nightmares and when they aren't nightmares they are dreams of giving birth to T & T again.  I find myself lucky to have given birth to them and having them a part of my life, it just hurts to keep reliving the births.  It's such a draining feeling waking up again to no babies.  The dream starts out wonderful and then my babies dye again!  It's so hard to explain the feelings I feel.  It feels great to be pregnant with them but so hard because they die.........again.

I am sorry that I haven't been on-line much but it's been hard.  Wait I don't need to apologize, I have the right to feel how I feel.  It's been hard.  I keep seeing and hearing so many people that are pregnant and it just puts me back to that place when I was happy being pregnant with the babies.  I loved being pregnant.  I just loved being pregnant, it was such a wonderful feeling.  I no longer feel that way.  Being pregnant is just scary to me.  I would love to have another baby but I just don't think that is going to happen.  I just don't know if I could ever do that again.

So many things have been happening of late it has just stirred up so many feelings that I just feel alone again. Greg and I have a very odd sense of humor since the babies have died.  We really need to make ourselves laugh somehow but not everyone sees it the same.  Some people think we are shoving the babies death in their faces as well as others and all I have to say is.....SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I live with the physical and emotional feelings of my babies death.  You have never had to give birth to a baby that has died, you have never had to bury your child or for that matter children.  I feel I am able to do what I want and say what I want with regard to my T & T.  If you don't like it, too bad.  This is my way of being able to parent them and if that's how I want to parent them that's how it's going to happen.

AAAAHHHHH, I feel a bit better now that I have gotten that out.

Many Hugs and Kisses Tred and Talya!!!!!!
I love your beautiful faces every day!