Monday, July 28, 2008

I feel like the worst friend.

I have so many wonderful friends and I just can't get myself to call them. I am in my own world and I just can't do it. I sit here at home and daydream about what life would be like having Tred. Is it healthy, probably not but it's something I can't help. I see the other kids and just wonder if Tred would be like them. I am thinking I now have anxiety. I get very nervous for things to happen and can't make definite plans on anything for fear of crying in public. Why would it be any different than crying at home. The attention I guess. I love attention but not in that way. I have a wonderful group if internet friends and I sign on to see how everyone is doing but I just can't get myself to post. They are all important but I am afraid of people thinking I've gone on with my life. I'm afraid to smile, to joke, to really do aything. I want the world to know about Tred and those that know about him, I don't want them thinking I've forgot about him. Is that silly?

I don't know about much these days. My life is the title of my blog I'm trying. *SIGH* A great friend, K, told me it gets easier. I sure hope so becuase right now from where I stand, I'm in a hole and just can't get out.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

It had to happen.

Today I had to drop my oldest off at a birthday party. I was pretty sure everyone knew that we had lost Tred, but not everyone knew. I got him to the party place and one of the moms asked if I had the baby yet. I took a breath and told her that Tred was stillborn. She looked at me in shock, apologized and then started to tear up. I told her not to otherwise I would cry and it wouldn't make for a fun day for the kids. She again said she was sorry and then turned to talk to other moms. I told her I had to go, which I did, and then left. I teared up a bit in the van but stopped before I made it to my destination. I picked him up 3 hours later and the mom didn't say another word about Tred or us losing him. I wish everyone would just talk about him or talk about how we lost him. He is still a person. We still hurt deeply that he's gone. *SIGH*

Thursday, July 24, 2008

We actually talked

Well it's been a while since Greg and I talked about our feelings, about Tred and about our future. It was a good conversation. We made it through with tears in our eyes but we talked. We both decided that we will no longer be getting "fixed". I was not wanting to make it a permanent thing and even more so now. We really thought we had our completeness - is that a word - with 4 children. Now that we have experienced Tred passing away we are very sure that we don't want to make our fertility a permanent loss. (I hope that makes sense) Anyway I told him what went on at the dr. and that the dr. asked if I would like to be on birth control and I said no. The dr. asked if I get pregnant would that be an OK think for DH and I. In my rudeness I said "I am OK with that and was OK with being pregnant 4 times too, if I get pregnant again I think it would be more than OK." I apologized for my harshness and said I know that it is party of her job to ask and she said that it's something expected when some has such a significant loss. I talked to DH about this and he was on board with no birth control as well it's another one of those permanent things that we don't want to do.

We are in the process of starting Tred's memorial garden. Greg and his brother own their own Irrigation business so we have added a watering system to the garden which means that it will get watered every day. So far we have had a few wonderful donations from family. My mom and dad bought us a beautiful wrought iron trike. MIL and FIL have given us an angel that lights up at night and she put Tred's name on the star that the angel is holding, 2 garden light sticks that turn color at night and 2 plants to put in the wrought iron trike. It's coming along slowly. We wanted the children to be involved so they will plant a flower every year for Tred and we also purchased a stone to put in the garden with a beautiful phrase "My Love No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it and only God knows why. We probably won't get any flowers for the garden until next year becuase Greg has been out of work for 3 weeks unpaid. Financially we can't do them this year so the garden is pretty much done this year. We are looking for some garden stakes or chimes that have Angles on them. I was hoping I could find a nice pregnancy loss or stillbirth garden items but their are none out their that I can find. If anyone wants to help us find those things that would be great.

We Love and Miss you tons Tred.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

What a day.

I had my 6 week check-up today and it was so emotional. I thought I would be fine but the minute I stepped into the office I felt as though I was going to fall apart. I also had to fill out a questionnaire on my mental status. I wasn't prepared for that at all. Needless to say, they gave me a higher dose of medication. I thought I was doing better but I apparently wasn't. Of course their are 2 Angie's in the waiting room so when they called my name I just assumed it was the other one and sat and waited. The nurse came out and said I was the Angie she wanted. While waiting to be called back, in walks 2 pregnant women. OH MY HEART JUST SANK. I just wanted to walk out. I was supposed to be in that office for my pregnancy not a post-partum visit. The nurse came and got me and said that she was so sorry for making me wait and stated that it was probably the last place I wanted to be. She was right. They roomed me and the nurse told me she was sorry for our loss and to let us know if their was anything they could do so I said thank you. The NP came in and spoke to me and she gave me a higher dose of meds and gave me a referral to a Therapist. Thank goodness becuase I wasn't finding one on my own. I also have an appt. to have 2 lumps under my arms looked at. It was definitly not milk so it looks at though I may need surgery again to have 2 fatty tumors removed. OH JOY. These appts are so bitter sweet. Yes I need the help but I shouldn't be going to these appts because I should be pregnant.

Monday, July 21, 2008


Well I am starting to trust God and pray to him even thought I am still angry. I feel as though I was giving him a time-out for Tred's death. I am still angry and he was the person I could blame because he was supposed to protect us. I guess I am very thankful to have everyone and everything I have, I just want to blame someone for Tred dying and God was the available party to be angry with. Yes, I believe in God and I hope he can forgive me for being so angry with him, but that doesn't mean that I am still angry for having to deal with my children, husband and myself being sad and having a gaping hole in our hearts.

We Love you Tred!!!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Tribute to Tred

I have been working on a Tribute and reminder of how Tred looked and how things were when Tred was bornstill. I found it hard to do but needed to do it. I was working on a program that I Had on my computer but it just didn't work the way I wanted. A friend got in contact with me and showed me a tribute to her son (very beautiful and precious) and I took advantage of the site and made one that turned out just as I wanted. Thank you to that person. I need to thank many people but I owe lots to 3 wonderful woman that have extended their hands to me and told me their stories of loss. I will be forever grateful and thankful to have you in my life. If it wasn't for your support and stories I don't know how I would have made it through my loss. You 3 women know who you are and I thank you for everything you have done and thank you immensely for taking me under your wings and showing my life can go on and that Tred will live in my heart forever.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

How do I get my faith back????

UGH, I am just lost at how to get my faith back. I am so angry with God and can't help but question why. Why was Tred taken from us. Why do I have to be so sad, angry and hurt. Why does my husband have to deal with the loss of his son. Why do my children have to endure the hurt of losing a brother. WHY, WHY, WHY? Why would my God take our son from us. I keep thinking these things when I get a question from my 3 year old that is full of questions that I can't answer.

This morning while getting ready for the day I woke the kids up. E wanted to cuddle and have his back lightly tickled (something all of the boys enjoy). He asked "Why did the baby die", I could only tell him because he was sick because I wanted that answer as well. He then asked "When can he have his lives back", I told him that he isn't here on earth with us but he will see him again in heaven. Yes I still believe in heaven, I just have a hard time believing in God right now. He then asked "Are you sad mommy". And I answered him as I always do "I'm sad that Tred is in haven but happy that I have you".

Can someone tell me why my 3 year old asks these questions. He is just too young to have to notice this type of pain and sadness. *SIGH* Why can't I be happy that we had the opportunity to have Tred in our lives. Instead I am just so sad that he isn't with us now. I just want that hurt to go away. I want to believe in God that he will help us heal but I just can't find that.

I love and miss you baby Tred.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Happiness seems so far away

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror. I look old. I look so worn down and I now have a permanent frown. I've always heard that a frown takes more muscles than a smile however, I am not even making the frown. It's just their on my face. What's their to be happy about? My other children and my husband. I can't even smile for them anymore. I love them with all of my heart but their is that hole in my heart that is just prevailing over my happiness. Everyone around me seems to be doing great. Time has gone by and Tred isn't the main subject anymore and that just scares me. I want the world to know that I had him and what casued him to pass away. I looked at his pictures today and just cried. How could a perfect little boy be taken away by such a dumb virus. Everything I do, everthing I look at just reminds me of him. I go to sleep and the frist thing I see when I close my eyes is his face. I have a recurrent dream of when we had him. Every morning I wake up and it's as if I have relived his birth the daybefore. Really, why do I have to go through this? Why does my family have to go through this. I thought I was doing ok, but then the sadness just hits me. I just can't get over that question. WHY, WHY, WHY???? I just want an answer. I am going to be requesting my medical records so we have just 1 more thing to remember that I was pregnant and that he was living in me. I have my 6 week check up coming soon and I just dread going. I only saw the dr 2 times and then went to the highrisk dr. I want it to get easier and want to be happy that I had him for the brief time that I did but I am just sad that I don't have him.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

It's been a month

What a long month it has been. I am finding myself sad all the time. I can't sleep but when I do find time to sleep I just can't get up. I keep dreaming of Tred and seeing his face everytime I go to sleep which might explain why I don't want to wake up. I am hearing from people I never thought I would hear from saying they are sad and sorry to hear about our baby. Anytime anyone says they are sorry about our baby I hold it together long enough and then breakdown when they can't see me. I am finding it harder to want to be alive. Don't get me wrong. I would never hurtmyself, I just don't like feeling this way. I am sad, angry, frustrated, unmotivated, tired, and just feel as though I have a black cloud around me. I am wanting so bad to find faith in God and just don't know how to do it. I have been calling around and found 2 counselors that deal with pregnancy loss so I am determined to seek them out and help. I am going to get in touch with our church to see if they can recommend a place to speak with someone/group with regard to finding my faith again. I really never thought I would be in this place ever. I want to be hapy again and happy and I can only hope that Tred is happy where he is. It hurts so much knowing that he's gone and that we won't be able to see him grow. I look at the kids and it just makes me sad seeing the 3 children playing and knowing that that one is missing.