Thursday, August 14, 2008

Week full of updates

Well my emotions were getting the best of me and I found yet another friend that has gone through the loss of their baby. It makes me so sad that so many people I know have had a loss that is just, in my opinion, is the hardest loss someone can have. This friend, "H", and I were e-mailing back and forth and she gave me such wonderful information. She really put so many things in perspective that I knew were true, I just couln't get myself to understand them. I am so thankful to "H" for helping me understand my feelings that I ventured out in public. That's right, after 2 months of only grocery shopping at night and not going out with friends, I took the plunge and went out 2 times in 1 week and 1 time this week.

"H" has been everything to me. She has helped me get out of this slump that I'm in by giving me wonderful advice on how to start to heal. Her exact quote to me " step OUTSIDE the pain. Its easier to live in the pain than it is to step outside it and learn to live life again. It's something so simple to say and yet so hard to do." And she is so right. It's easier to live sad, unhappy and in pain becuase it hurts so bad but yes I know that I have to try and live again.

A wonderful friend (my soul sister), "K", and I had dinner and we talked and it was wonderful. It's nice to have someone to talk with that understands, but it's also sad to have someone to talk with because they understand. We talked about our losses and laughed, which I haven't done in a long time, and just were their for each other. "K" was their for me more than I was for her. right now I hope to get back on the ball and be their for her when she needs to talk as well.

"C" and I went to dinner the next night and she was wonderful. We talked about Tred and things that are going on in her life. I am very thankful to have such a good friend that hasn't had a loss that will listen to me talk about my feelings and the feelings of my family. I am very thankful for her friendship. Not many people will sit and listen when they've never been in this place.

I have an elementary school friend"R", best friend. We both went through a loss when our friend died when she was 12. We had a very hard time, but we had each other. As time went on we both had our lives go in different directions and we lost contact with each other. We then found each other on another site and have been talking on the phone ever since. She came to visit and listen and stayed for 1/2 the day. She has been wonderful.

I'm slowly getting back into life again and it's been pretty hard. I still have my days but for the most art the medication is heling with that. I am trying to not see the futuer as blek becuase Tred isn't with us but as a blessing that he was with us for the short time he was.

I had a weird thing happen the other night. I went to bed at my ususal 3:00am, I have many reasons for this that I am going to try and get fixed, who knows if that will happen. but I woke up out of a sleep and could smell baby powder. We don't have powder in or near our room and immediatly I thought is was Tred. Is that weird to think? I am hanging on to anything that is different that could possibly be a sign from Tred. I can only hope he is happy and being taken care of by my grandfathers and Greg's grandparents.

Thank you to my wonderful friends that have been their for us.


Susan Austin said...

I am following your blog and see that you have a wonderful support system growing around you. I pray that your husband is finding support as well.
Your children are beautiful and need their mom. I love that Ezra said his heart was sad....very, very important for even a 3 year old to express his loss and healing process too.
When I read that, i placed my hand on my heart and sighed. So sweet.
Bless you! said...

Yay!! Keep up the good work lady. I'm so proud of you for all you've put into getting better. People really have no idea how hard you have to work to get there. I'm thrilled for you and your family.

Baby powder is such a magical smell to a mom isn't it? I would have to agree that was just a bit of baby Tred sprinkling his happiness down on you, to let mom know everything is OK :-) He's happy that you are happy.

Love ya girl.