Friday, December 11, 2009


In the midst of losing our babies and feeling sad, anger and every feeling that goes along with losing children, my MIL passed away. She passed away of a brain aneurysm. I am so sad that she has left us but am selfishly happy that she is taking care of the babies. If we parents aren't able to care for our babies in heaven, who better than grandparents. I can just feel the comfort of knowing she is taking good care of them but, as usual, here on earth our family is sad. Sad that we don't have her with us and sad for me, since she was the one from that side that really helped me and talked to me about the babies, the one that cared how our family felt. It feels as though we are just sailing through life wondering what tragic thing will happen next. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have my children think like that.

I am thinking of changing churches in order get myself to go and speak with a spiritual person. I am so lost in my faith that I just don't know where to start. I am wiped out emotionally and have fallen off my course of daily living. I know need to make a daily list of what needs to be done and I have never had to do it to the point that I have to remind myself to dust or make lunch. I am so no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life and that scares me. I have no idea if anymore children will be in my future since everyone is not wanting to take a risk again for fear of failure to produce a living child. I so badly want to have another child, not to take the place of either Tred or Talya, but to be able to hold my baby and watch them grow to be adults. Isn't life full of chances? I am definitely not ready to have another child right now but would love to be able to make that decision.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I have been busy with sad things going on but had to come here to vent. I am so angry at people right now I just feel horrible. I have been asking family and friends to remember our babies by helping do things like our memorial walk and volunteer work making things in memory of our babies for a non-profit foundation. Some family just isn't their for us or our babies. Really, one little thing is all I ask and I can't even get that. WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO. I have never hated those people more than I do today.