Thursday, July 3, 2008

It's been a month

What a long month it has been. I am finding myself sad all the time. I can't sleep but when I do find time to sleep I just can't get up. I keep dreaming of Tred and seeing his face everytime I go to sleep which might explain why I don't want to wake up. I am hearing from people I never thought I would hear from saying they are sad and sorry to hear about our baby. Anytime anyone says they are sorry about our baby I hold it together long enough and then breakdown when they can't see me. I am finding it harder to want to be alive. Don't get me wrong. I would never hurtmyself, I just don't like feeling this way. I am sad, angry, frustrated, unmotivated, tired, and just feel as though I have a black cloud around me. I am wanting so bad to find faith in God and just don't know how to do it. I have been calling around and found 2 counselors that deal with pregnancy loss so I am determined to seek them out and help. I am going to get in touch with our church to see if they can recommend a place to speak with someone/group with regard to finding my faith again. I really never thought I would be in this place ever. I want to be hapy again and happy and I can only hope that Tred is happy where he is. It hurts so much knowing that he's gone and that we won't be able to see him grow. I look at the kids and it just makes me sad seeing the 3 children playing and knowing that that one is missing.

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