Apologies

I want to say sorry to everyone. I haven't been able to get on-line becuase my computer hasn't been working. Well we got it working, not the best, but we have internet access. I hope I will be able to get on-line now and use this blog to get my feelings out instead of letting them fester with my fake happiness so people won't know I'm hurting.

Sorry......no wait, I'm not sorry.

I have been trying hard to get on-line to post but it is just too hard lately.  I am working and trying to keep my mind occupied.  It's been working for the most part but I am now back to staying up late.  I have been having dreams again horrible nightmares and when they aren't nightmares they are dreams of giving birth to T & T again.  I find myself lucky to have given birth to them and having them a part of my life, it just hurts to keep reliving the births.  It's such a draining feeling waking up again to no babies.  The dream starts out wonderful and then my babies dye again!  It's so hard to explain the feelings I feel.  It feels great to be pregnant with them but so hard because they die.........again.

I am sorry that I haven't been on-line much but it's been hard.  Wait I don't need to apologize, I have the right to feel how I feel.  It's been hard.  I keep seeing and hearing so many people that are pregnant and it just puts me back to that place when I was happy being pregnant with the babies.  I loved being pregnant.  I just loved being pregnant, it was such a wonderful feeling.  I no longer feel that way.  Being pregnant is just scary to me.  I would love to have another baby but I just don't think that is going to happen.  I just don't know if I could ever do that again.

So many things have been happening of late it has just stirred up so many feelings that I just feel alone again. Greg and I have a very odd sense of humor since the babies have died.  We really need to make ourselves laugh somehow but not everyone sees it the same.  Some people think we are shoving the babies death in their faces as well as others and all I have to say is.....SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I live with the physical and emotional feelings of my babies death.  You have never had to give birth to a baby that has died, you have never had to bury your child or for that matter children.  I feel I am able to do what I want and say what I want with regard to my T & T.  If you don't like it, too bad.  This is my way of being able to parent them and if that's how I want to parent them that's how it's going to happen.

AAAAHHHHH, I feel a bit better now that I have gotten that out.

Many Hugs and Kisses Tred and Talya!!!!!!
I love your beautiful faces every day!

I'm just sad

I ended up going to the dr. and they had to up my meds.  I hate that I need to depend on medication to feel happy.  I feel even worse that my poor kids have to deal with me.  I love all my kids so much and miss them when I don't see them.  I got a new job and have been sad at the fact that I am not able to be home when they get home.  I miss tht time I have with them before they have their sports.  I miss everything.  I had to leave work yesterday becuase I was sick and I am sick again today and have not stopped crying.  I hate being alone here at home and hate that my little guy is going to day care, I just hate it.   I miss them when they are at school, I miss them always.  I wish I had more friends, I wish I could spend more time with my husband.  I just am so sad.

Liar, Liar pants on fire.....

Yep that's me..........a liar. I didn't get to my appointment. I had to reschedule due to the wrong time. Was it on purpose or accident. I really don't know which it was. I had a certain time stuck in my head and it was in the afternoon. The actual appointment was in the morning and I completely missed it. Did I feel bad that I missed it no, I was just pissed that I had to go there again. WTF was/is my problem. Hey Angie, show up to a room full of pregos just to reschedule your appointment and show up to a room full of pregos again! Anyway so here I go again, I have an appointment set up for this week which should have been done 6 months ago.

On a different subject. Why does is the old saying, when it rains it pours always happen to us. Well in the last 3 months my dog has had to have surgery 2 times. He has had an abscess in 2 different areas on his body, this is not a cheap surgery and to have it happen 2 times is really putting everything in jeopardy.

I am looking for work but there is something different. Before the babies passed, I was able to land any job. Now its just not happening. It feels as though I have a sign on my head that says "you don't want to hire her, she had 2 babies die, she's an emotional wreck at times, and her memory is crap". My zest for fun in life is gone and it seems to show to everyone. I hope something happens soon, things need to turn around at some point doesn't it???

Back to the babies, I had a huge melt down the other day. I have no idea why, but just looking at Talya's picture just made me break down. I am still struggling with the WHY. How do you get over that question? I know their is no answer but the perfectionist in me wants one and I don't want be let go until I have one. Actually I refuse to let go of the WHY question. Since the babies have passed away, I feel the need to mother them. I need to protect them. I need to keep their memory alive. I need to continue to ask WHY so I am able to mother them. Excuse me, but FUCK. How do you fix that. I know it's not healthy but I feel I need to do it. I feel they deserve the right to know as well. Why did they pass away before their parents. The questions without answers are the hardest part.

Could the continued black cloud over our house be around because I haven't gone back to church in over 2 years. Yep that's right 2 years. I am still having a hard time with forgiving. This isn't how things are supposed to go with our family. Bad things just keep happening and it isn't fun. I just wonder if the bad things are happening to punish us for not going to church. Of course others will say no but then why? There I go again, wanting an answer. *SIGH* I better stop before my head explodes.

Blah..........

That is how I can say how I feel today. This is the first official day of going to my yearly appointment after losing Talya. Ya, it's been more than a year but I couldn't get myself to go. I have rescheduled a few times (3 to be exact) and now I have to go. I'm putting off, I just don't want to go. I hate GYN appointments more than words can express. I hate sitting in the waiting room with women with babies and women that are pregnant. It's just uncomfortable for me. I've had to meet with my GYN a few times but not for the dreaded yearly. They no longer bring you back to a room ASAP because, well it's been longer than 6 weeks. I remember going back to the Dr. 6 weeks after having Tred and Talya and I was whisked back so I didn't have to sit in the waiting room, not it's pretty much as I'm treated by many friends, it's been a year, you're fine. HA HA HA, what does fine mean, it sure isn't me. Yes I can, more than likely, make it through sitting in the waiting room, it's that notion that people think that I'm "FINE" now. If it were only true. BLAH!!!!!

Also tomorrow it would have been Tred's due date two years ago. Gosh the days that stick in my head. I know all of my children's due dates and none of them were born on them, some were close but none were born on them. October is especially a hard month. It would have been Tred's due date and P was very excited to share a birth month with her brother. It's also P's birthday that she was to share with her grandma. She even asked if she can have a birthday party at the cemetery. I told her that since she doesn't have school that day, we will go celebrate with cupcakes and Pepsi (Linda's favorite drink).

Anyway, off to get ready to go to the crappiest type of appointment, BLAH!

I miss you Tred and Talya

I miss you both so much. I'm sure you hear me talking about you all the time. I've been able to talk about you a few times and not cry. I'm getting there! I hope you are being good and playing with all the other babies in heaven. I also hope you having a wonderful time with Grandma.
Sleep tight babies and know Daddy, Mommy, B, P and E miss and love you!

It's been a while

Well I have been on a break from the blogger world and from my blogger friends.....really for no apparent reason. I was contacted by e-mail, (thanks Annie) checking to see if I am alright because I haven't been on-line in a while. To Annie and others wanting to know, I am fine. Just going through my ups and downs, that's all.

I have been busy and have been working on my disbelief in life. I have to say I still get angry and frustrated at the complaining about babies being awake or hearing people say they are tired because they are awake with a baby....I just decide to bite my tongue and not engage in reading, writing or listening. This seems to be the only thing that works so I don't get angry. Why is it so hard too see others joyous...because they have what I want. No I don't want their baby or their lives, I want my living babies, that's all.

I still have my dreams of giving birth to the babies but they aren't as gut wrenching as they have been. Now when I dream them they have a white cloud like frame around the dreams which, when I wake up, makes me think that the babies are softening the hurt.

I don't believe when people say it gets easier, I think excruciating pain lessens but then is rears it ugly head on those special days of what could have been. I think about both children at all times and think of what they would be doing at the ages they are at. It breaks my heart that we as a family won't be able to enjoy watching them grow and watch them fight with their brothers and sisters, yes that's right fight. Our kids do that and even though it's not right that they fight, it's a joy to see them alive and trying to fix their problems with each other.

On a lighter note, the kids are talking about Tred and Talya more often. They are missing them so much and saying such nice things about them. They have all asked if we are going to have another baby and that they want one but I don't know how to answer that. I have told a few people that I would like to have another baby but then I get it thrown in my face by saying, I thought you weren't going to do that again and Why would you do that again, haven't you been through enough. It pissed me off at first and then it just made me sad that these people don't know me as well as I thought. It's really not any one's place to judge me and my family as these people have never been through what we have been through. We have lost a lot of friends and family over their selfishness of not wanting to deal with our babies dying.

All of my love is for my husband and children. We are the ones that live with losing our baby boy and baby girl and my poor children have lost a brother and sister. If you don't want to support us then STFU and say out of our lives. We are fine without your judgements!!!!