Thursday, June 18, 2015

In true Angie fashion, I'm behind...... on everything.  I'm slowly crawling back out of my hole of sadness, guilt and death and enjoying the world again.  It's a new, very awkward feeling.  Its hard to be happy.  I've been good at hiding my sadness from everyone for several years, even my family. I started to become angry to everyone all the time.  I was happier by myself than when I was around people.  My youngest has a baseball team and there are several new parents that didn't know about Tred and Talya.  When they found out they asked.........they asked about them.  The most amazing feeling ever was being asked what happened to Tred and Talya by someone that wasn't around for the 7 years of me being in my cocoon .  I hadn't told the story in a long time.  I told their story with a few tears but I told their story.  These ladies were very sympathetic and never said the word I hate the most, sorry.  They were wonderful and said "Oh Angie" or just a hug but NO SORRY was used.  It was such a wonderful feeling to not hear the word I hate the most in the the world.  It was such a weird feeling, kind of like the sun shining down on me beaming with pride, this is how I feel every time I talk about my babies.

Till I have more to say,

Mom of 5 wonderful children

P.S.  I've changed my blog from my son's email to my email so I will have to update lots of stuff!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Memorial walk for Tred and Talya

Well today has been a day of realization.  I have realized that I really need to start to care about me.  As time gets closer, well 2 days, to Tred and Talya's walk I realized that I am not where I want to be.  I really wanted to run this year but have failed in my attempt to learn how to run.  Yes I do not know how to run.  I can run but I know there is a way to do it correctly.  I don't know who to breathe correctly when running and quickly want to stop.  I want to be able to run the 5k next year so I will be starting a couch to 5k program after the weekend.

The walk/run will be in a new location this year and it pushed my anxiety with the fact that I need to be there early to help set-up.  I am not the best driver in the dark and this makes me a bit nervous as the coffee stores are not open at 4am.   I think I may purchase one the night before and just heat it up and have a spare while driving.  P may actually join me again this Sat. to volunteer.  I couldn't ask for a better daughter!!!!  When she is this wonderful it makes me cry knowing she will never be able to share theses things with her sister!

B will be able to join in the walk this year as he is now a Freshman and they don't have football games on a Sat.  E will have to miss his football game this year.  He was feeling so torn as he doesn't want to let his team down but he also doesn't want to miss Tred and Talya's walk.  It's a double edge sword for the boys with sports and siblings.

I love you T & T!!!!

Till I have more to say,

Mom of 5 wonderful children

Thursday, August 1, 2013

2 days in a row

It was a very weird day today.  I've come to the realization that I will never have kids again and it well, sucks, sucks shit.  I still want another one but hubby isn't on board.  It feels like to many years have gone by and my age and husband are against me.  I still see pregnant women and it still hurts.  I look away and act as if they aren't there.  Since Tred and Talya have died I have only held 1 baby girls not a new born but under a year old.  I don't think I can ever hold a newborn ever again.  To many feelings of failure and fear and hurt.

I am currently working on finishing Talya's blanket and putting together a book of friends that let balloons go in Tred's memory.  The kids are so excited to see the finished video/book.

Love always to you Tred and Talya.  I miss and love you!

Till I have more to say,
  Mom of 5 wonderful children

I think I'm a chronic liar

Yet again I have taken my sweet time posting.  I keep saying that I will post often and it never happens.  Things around here have been so crazy with B, P and E and their sports.  Life is never dull.  With that it would be a lot more active having Tred and Talya with it and it makes me a bit sad that we are not busier.  Did I just say that, sad that we aren't busier.  The small things that get taken for granted are things that we want.  We want to be so frustrated with having 5 different schedules for our five babies, but that's not what we have.   I sit tonight and think of how my life has been since having Tred and Talya and how my children's live has been.  It makes me sad to know Tred won't be able to pick on P with the boys, he won't be wrestling, playing baseball or football.  Talya won't be able to get her hair done by P and P won't be able to do her hair or help her with makeup and teach her gymnastics.

My living babies are becoming more and more independent and it really scares me.  What will I do when they go to school.  I have been loving working at home and having the kids around all the time.  I sometimes think I may need a new dog or cat to take care of just because I need to nurture someone or something.  I want that feeling of joy in taking care of a baby, which I will never get again. I need something.

Tred and Talya I think of you everyday.  I went shopping and found some cute little things for you when we come visit.  We are very excited to walk in your memory this year.  Many hugs and kisses to you both!!!!  I love you Tred and Talya!

Till I have more to say,
  Mom of 5 wonderful children

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Happy Birthday Tred

It was Tred's Golden Birthday yesterday (6/5)and what an emotional day it was.  I had friends release a balloon in his memory and a few people made videos releasing his memorial balloons and it was so touching.  I can remember the day like it was yesterday as its burned in my mind and I see it often.   I miss him so much, his skin, his toes, his fingers.  Everything, I miss everything about him.

Happy Birthday Tred, you are an amazing accomplishment in my life!!!!


Till I have more to say,

  Mom of 5 wonderful children

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Today Talya would have been 4.  Such a sad day for me.  I have been very busy and not allowing myself to really sit and think about the details of her birth.  I found myself reading a card that I received from a mom of  one of E's friends.  I read it to myself just fine, when I read it out loud, I lost it.  Small things like this have been creeping up on me.  I have been having a hard time sleeping of late as well.  I have a beautiful video I made pictures from Talya's birth and I still 4 years after it was made, can not watch it.  It's too much for me.

We hope to make a nice balloon release today but can you believe that it's April!  We will go to visit but the balloon release may be postponed due to the weather!  I'm hoping that the snow on the ground doesn't stick so I can decorate her gravestone.  This is something we do every year for Tred and Talya's birthday.  They will never get a party, a cake, ice cream or presents, so we make sure we celebrate their birthdays with decorations at the cemetery.

Happy Birthday Princess Talya!!!!!


Till I have more to say,
Mom of 7 wonderful children

Monday, April 1, 2013

Always behind

It's quite funny how things I want to keep on top of, get put at the bottom of the list. Well this blog is one of those. I have updated the look of this blog to give it a little color. 

I know Tred and Talya would love those colors as their brothers and sisters like this design as well. Lots of colors and a lot of fun is what we are trying to do. Things are going well and the kids are doing fine. 

So far the winter has been good and no destruction of the headstones have happened. This year Talya will be 4 and Tred will be 5. It's hard to believe how far time has passed and what a very hard five years this has been. 

 I will love you Forever Tred and Talya!

Till I have more to say,