Life

In the midst of losing our babies and feeling sad, anger and every feeling that goes along with losing children, my MIL passed away. She passed away of a brain aneurysm. I am so sad that she has left us but am selfishly happy that she is taking care of the babies. If we parents aren't able to care for our babies in heaven, who better than grandparents. I can just feel the comfort of knowing she is taking good care of them but, as usual, here on earth our family is sad. Sad that we don't have her with us and sad for me, since she was the one from that side that really helped me and talked to me about the babies, the one that cared how our family felt. It feels as though we are just sailing through life wondering what tragic thing will happen next. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have my children think like that.

I am thinking of changing churches in order get myself to go and speak with a spiritual person. I am so lost in my faith that I just don't know where to start. I am wiped out emotionally and have fallen off my course of daily living. I know need to make a daily list of what needs to be done and I have never had to do it to the point that I have to remind myself to dust or make lunch. I am so no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life and that scares me. I have no idea if anymore children will be in my future since everyone is not wanting to take a risk again for fear of failure to produce a living child. I so badly want to have another child, not to take the place of either Tred or Talya, but to be able to hold my baby and watch them grow to be adults. Isn't life full of chances? I am definitely not ready to have another child right now but would love to be able to make that decision.

ANGER

I have been busy with sad things going on but had to come here to vent. I am so angry at people right now I just feel horrible. I have been asking family and friends to remember our babies by helping do things like our memorial walk and volunteer work making things in memory of our babies for a non-profit foundation. Some family just isn't their for us or our babies. Really, one little thing is all I ask and I can't even get that. WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO. I have never hated those people more than I do today.

What a rough week.

On October 10th my little Talya would have been 6 months old. I can't believe I have had to take this milestone again with tears of sorry instead of tears of joy. I just keep thinking about what could have been. Payton would have her sister that she so desperately wants (she asked for a sister for her birthday this year). When I look at her pictures I just don't understand the reasoning in why she had to die. The Whys will never stop for me, I just hurt so badly in my heart. I want to hold her, kiss her pouty lips, stroke her hair on my cheek. The song "one more day" keeps going around and around in my head.

Today is also another hard day. A year ago today was supposed to be Tred's due date. Again the what could have beens keep swirling in my head. Why did he have to catch something that I was exposed to so many years ago and never caught. Instead I catch it while I'm pregnant and he gets sick and dies. It just makes me so angry that my poor child is gone and my other one had to deal with the stress of feeling as though it was his fault.

I look at all of my children and see such beautiful wonderful people that have had to deal with so much sadness in their short lives. I hear people complain that their children are horrible and yes mine have been not so nice at times as well and I just think of how wonderful it would feel to tell Tred or Talya, the dreaded words "NO" or tell someone they are driving me crazy. I never want to take my children for granted for they are my everyday miracles. I have time with all of them and as mad as they make me, I am so proud to be their mom and hope they feel the same about me.

I am so thankful that I was able to hold, touch, caress, and see every part of my beautiful babies but can only wish I could turn back time to have them with me. Not many people get to hold such beautiful angels but I got to hold 2 and I'm sure they are making a ruckus in heaven becuase that's what my children do and I love them for being that way.

I lied

I lied. I had all intentions of working on the announcements but didn't. I decided to start something that couldn't be interrupted - Laundry. Yes it could be interrupted but it was just another excuse. UUUGGGHHHH. Why do I make it so hard. I am doing myself no justice just sitting on them and stopping the inevitable. I sit here looking at her picture and she is just beautiful and the thank-you cards have both Tred and Talya on them. We didn't do announcements for Tred because it was so new and we didn't know what to do and now I feel like we are pros at it, which doesn't feel good at all. Anyway, I have everything on the counter looking at me so I am going to dig in and get it done. I need to do this for her and for myself.

Still haven't finished announcements

OK. I made Talya's birth announcements and I still haven't sent them out or thank-you's. I am so afraid to finish these as these will be the last thing I need to do to tie me to doing something for her. I sit and look at the announcements and invitations and I just can't get myself to do them. I don't want anyone else to do them either. This is my job, it's just a hard job. I am hoping I can do a few of them this week, but of course their are no guarantees.

Up Late

Up late again. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to sleep normal.

Just babbling

Well I had gotten my results back from the dr. and I am a "colonized" meaning I am a GBS carrier. The bacteria will come and go and if (a big if) I get pregnant I will need to be on antibiotics the entire pregnancy, this can raise other issues as well. I also test positive for high levels of homocysteine which can cause clotting problems so again if I get pregnant I will have to be on baby asprin and Lovenox, which is a shot. So "if" I get pregnant again I will need to be monitored (per my dr) monitored like a hawk. I don't know if I could ever do this again. My gosh, I would love to have another baby but I don't know if I could do it to this extent and my fear, depression and anxiety would be through the roof.

On another note, I sent the kids off to Camp Erin over the weekend and they loved it. B was not looking forward to it until we pulled in and he saw everything that he would be able to do. P was excited but anxious. She felt sick a few times but thankfully she never got sick. They had a meeting to tell the parents that the kids would be crabby from lack of sleep and talking about their grief. They were not kidding. I have never seen my daughter so angry in my life. She threw so many tempertantrums and said a few things that made me cry. I was so sad at some of the things she said that it hurt to even talk to her. I know she has a bad temper but to say what she said was just so upsetting. We were in the car and she was fighting with her brothers (totally normal). When Greg and I told them to stop fighting and to keep their hands to themselves, she went crazy. She was screaming, yelling and said she doesn't care about anyone, even Tred and Talya. I just burst out in tears, I was (and still am) sad that she would say this.

Anyway, I am having one of those weekends, missing the kids when they went to cam and have them coming back in a bad mood just makes things sad.

WTF is wrong with me.

I am so angry at myself. I was goig through some papers to send to my new GYN and I was getting the others ready to put in the kids baby books, which by the way sucks. I went downstairs to get the books and 1 is missing. I can't find Tred's book. I know it was there, where else could it be. Why where their 4 books and 1 missing. I have no idea where it is and now can't sleep becuase I can't find it. I've been crying for a hour and just have no idea where it is. I wrote things in their that I knew I would forget and all of his paperwork from the cemetary and funeral home and now I have nothing. Please pray that I find it.

****UPDATE****
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I found Tred's baby book. It was put into one of the containers that was holding pictures. Thank you Again!!!

Long Night

I don't know why I started but I did. I got things together to give back to their original owners. It was so hard because I had things I purchased and made for Talya and wasn't going to use any of them. I cried and cried and DH said you don't have to do this and I said it's got to get done at some point so I might as well finish. We both sad hugging each other and cried. I opened a bag of things that we had from the hospital and I could still smell her in the hat she had on, but put the things back in the bag to seal in her smell. UUUGGGHHH. Why can't this just be easy. I don't understand and never will why we have to go through this.

I also got some results back from my dr. office. I changed OB/GYN's after Talya passed away because I didn't feel comfortable at my dr. anymore. Well my new (she wasn't totally new, I had her when I delivered E) GYN decided to do some blood work and check for the bacteria infection again. Well becuase of the clots that I had 2 days before I delivered Talya as well as the day she passed away, she wanted to check on some blood clotting disorders. Well needless to say, I have a bacterial infection AGAIN!!!!. I am on antibiotics now and am hoping this may explain my being tired. I also got the results back on my homocysteine levels and they are high. This is one of the genetic blood test result so I will be going back in for some genetic testing and I'm sure some diet changes and more medication to make sure things go back to normal.

UGH, what a week I feel physically and mentally drained.

Just when we start to feel ok.

My husbands family forgets his birthday. I mean really, how the hell do you forget a family members birthday. That is 2 birthdays in 2 months that his family has forgotten. WTF is wrong with them. I feel so sad for him, I could see it in his face that he was hoping one of them would call and say something. I have to say yes his mom and dad remembered but the others didn't. He is closer with the other than he is with his parents so I know it hurt. He even talked to the others today and not one of them said anything. Honestly what a bunch of fucking idiots.

I am so disappointed in his family. When he really needs them, they aren't their for him. Too bad you can't pick your family. I bought him an extra card just to let him know I love him. How sad to be forgotten when this past year has been a living hell for him and myself.

I am just crying and can't believe how shitty this is for him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREG!!!!

Happy birthday to my husband Greg. What a great guy he is. Through all that we have been through he is still in it for the long run with me. He's means more to me than he knows. Today I am getting Talya's name added to my tattoo. What a great husband to share his day with me and be ok with me doing something so big on his day.

I love you Greg, I hope you have a wonderful day!

*sigh* - just getting things out.

I hate these kind of nights. I see pictures of babies and families with their babies and they are so happy. I wish it was me being happy with my babies. It really brings up a new meaning of they grow up fast. I am remembering back when B, P and E were babies and I wish I would have savored the time more. I miss every little thing they did from waking up at night (that never bothered me waking up feeding and holding them) to crawling, walking and their little giggles. I wish I could have that again.

We also visited the cemetary and Talya's headstone came in. It's so nice to go to the cemetary and visit both children and have both of their names visable. I never thought visiting my babies in a cemetary would be part of our life, and whomever thought and said "life sucks" is right.

Do you find it weird to give your child a title of sort. I like to think that Tred would be a loving, caring and compassionate little boy. I think he would have been a book worm and not into sports like the other boys. I like to think that Talya would be an outspoken little girl that is a tom boy but she likes to look pretty as well. I can't help but think how similar they would be to their siblings.

*sigh* That's all for tonight, I just am having one of those nights.

Do things ever survive.

With losing 2 babies so close together I wonder if things will survive, like my marriage. Greg and I don't talk much at all. He is very distant with me and I just wonder if our marriage will survive. I've told him how I feel, I've told him that I need him to talk to me, I've pretty much told him many things and I get nothing back.

I wonder if things will work out between us.

UGH, I just hate that.

I just hate getting my "monthly friend". Just a sad reminder of what I don't have. I wish I could just have it come and not have that lingering effect of feeling sad. I know it's not a thing to throw a party about but it's something that would just come and go and it's part of life but now it's just something I hate and dread getting. BLAH.

Dream or Nighmare?

Do you ever have one of those days where it seems as though you are living a dream or a horrible nighmare. I am so glad to have met my angel babies but I am so angry that they are not with us. My living children were robbed of growing up with their sister and brother and it makes me so sad they have had to deal with the death of their brother and sister at such a young age.

I have a hard time getting to sleep becuase when I do I dream that the kids and Greg die and I'm left alone or I re live giving birth to Tred and Talya. Someday it will be a wonderful dream to relive their births but right now it just hurts more than words can say.

Somedays I just feel their is no light at the end of the tunnel, I just want to be happy again.

My records

I decided today was the day to go back to the clinics and order my files. I've decided to seek a different OBGYN. Although I feel my treatment could have been different, I just want to return to have my "stuff" looked at by my old clinic. Why did I leave them? It was more convienent for me to have someone not far away. Boy was that a stupid decision. New clinc 2 babies passed away. Well, I am going to my old clinic but at a different location which is further away. I may end up changing that one as well depending on the results of my appt. I want to make sure I get the care I want, not what they want. I am going to see my old dr. and have a consult with her about everything that I have went through and how things will go in the future. If I like what I hear I will stay, if I don't like what I hear, I will be seeking a different dr.

Which brings me to my records. I had to order them to bring with me to my appt. I went to every dr. I had appts with from MFM drs to my breast ultrasounds and mammograms and my obgyn. Well seeing these records just brings back information that I just didn't want to hear when I was face to face with the dr.s. I had to see a MFM dr. to see what a future pregnancy would contain (that is if I ever have another child). Well seeing the words "Given the maternal sepsis as well as infection of the fetal compartment and fetal organs it is unlikely that the baby would have done well even if there were no nuchal cord." Yes, they are saying if Talya was born alive, she may not have survived. That's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that a virus made baby Tred pass away and then pretty much knowing that GBS was what took Talya's life.

I will be getting the remainder of my records in the weeks to come. I don't know what I will find or what they will say but I will always cherish these papers because they are the only things I left from Tred and Talya's life.

Just Thinking

When will the why's stop. I keep running over them in my mind. WHY, WHY, WHY. Why do I feel so alone. Nomatter who I am around I just feel so alone. My poor children. Will they always remember their mom as being sad. I try I really do but it's so sad to see them questioning things that I just don't have answers for. What if in the future they choose not to have children because of their brother and sister dying. I don't want that to deter them from having children if that is something they want.

On another note, I have decided to stop talking and being around people that are selfish in my sorrow. I do have the right to be mad that someone is pregant, I do have the right to be upset that someone has a baby, I have the right to be angry and sad, but its MY RIGHT. It is nothing agaist anyone, IT'S ME. I need to work past these issues and I would greatly appreciate not being condemed or made to feel guility for losing my babies.

Noone will ever know the pain I feel unless you have been a mom that has lost her baby.

LOVING YOU TRED AND TALYA!

Hurt

I am so sad and hurt that I am unable to tell people my feelings without feeling guilty. I am trying to heal this horrible aching in my heart. I've decided it may be better to just keep my feelings to myself because now all i've done is upset people with telling them how I feel. I guess the saying is true. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

Missing you every day Tred and Talya!

Could my babies be telling me something

I love roses, yellow ones with a bit of orange or just plain yellow ones are my favorite. Well all of my rose bushes are blooming, even the ones that we thought we'd have to replace. I can only think that my babies are making the roses grow.

Large dark pink rose bush.

This pink rose bush bloomed before the dark pink above.

The yellow roses that used to only get one or two blooms

This is my dark pink rose that was going to get pulled out this year, low and behold it's got roses.

UUUGGGHHHHH

This morning I was feeling fine, now I am just feeling like crap. I've been crying off and on all evening and ovbiously can't sellp. I just want to rewind time.

Talya's birth story

As I am looking back and reading posts from when I started my blog I realized that I had Tred's birth story but I never posted Talya's story. Here is her story:

Talya's brith came as a big surprise to us. We found out we were pregnant in August. We had just lost our precious Tred to stillbirth and we weren't trying to get pregnant but someone else has other plans. I conceived Talya in June, one month after Tred passed away. My pregnancy was fine and full of fear. We waited to tell people as long as we could and finally told everyone and they were probably as fearful as we were but we made it past the 21 week mark (when Tred passed away) and things were going fine.

As Talya's due date approached fear kicked in. In the last week of March I started losing my mucus plug and this was a new thing so I got nervous. I called the dr. and they said it was normal. I had weekly exams and after I had an exam the first week of April I had some spotting, the dr.s again said this was normal.

The following week was the most devestating week of our lives. I had a dr. appt. on April 8th becuase I woke up to some blood clots. I went in to the dr. and the bleeding stopped. They check my cervix and their was old blood not new. They said it again was normal. I was dialated to a 3 and 70% effaced and they said things may happen on their own (my other pregnancies were induced). The next morning on the 9th I woke again with blood clots. I called the dr. and they sent me to L & D and Talya and I were monitored for 3 hours. Her heart rate was lower than normal but it was within the normal range. She moved when I ate and the bleeding again had stopped and it was checked and it looked as though it was old blood again. I went home and no more clots or bleeding.

The next day on the 10th was the worst day of our lives (as well as Tred's passing). I awoke to more clots and a bit bigger and with that I also didn't feel Talya moving. I ate, I poked I did everything I could think of to make her move and their was nothing. My sister called and I told her I had to go to the dr. becuase I was bleeding again, I didn't want to alarm anyone so I rushed off the phone and I quick called the dr. and they called about 5 minutes later but if felt like hours and had me go to L & D again.

We got to the hospial and they looked for her hearbeat and they couldn't find it. The nurse was so nice she said that sometimes they don't find it right away becuase of the movement. I knew something was wrong. They called in another nurse and still couldn't find it so they said they would do an ultrasound, by then I new our little girl was gone. They brought in an ultrasound machine and it confirmed our worst nightmare, Our precious little girl had passed away at 38 weeks. I looked at Greg and said I couldn't do this again. We both hugged eachother and cried. Everyone left the room and left us to cry. The dr. and nurse came back in after a while and told us we were not leaving, that we were going to have her today.

We were left with the daunting task of calling our family and friends again. I called my sister Heidi first becuase I new she could do the task of calling everyone else. All I could get out is that I was at the hospital and that we didn't have a heartbeat. All she could get out was "WHAT" and then I repeated myself. She asked if I wanted her up at the hospital and I said I don't care. I was in no way able to make any decisions but she did. She came up to the hospital in what felt like 2 seconds. I am so glad that she is my bestfriend and was able to be their for me when I really needed her. Greg then called his mom (she was watching the kids) and we asked her not to tell them becuase we wanted to do that. Greg then called his brothers and told them the devestating news. Greg then called the kids and told them what happened and that we wanted them to come up to the hospital after Talya was born to say goodbye to her. My parents were also at the hospital but were in another room. When the induction started it really started.

The next few hours went by quick. I was induced and was in full labor within an hour. The contractions hurt like hell and it felt like I was going to die. At the time I really hoped for that, not only did I have to endure the pain of losing another child but I was feeling the horrible labor pains and knowing what was going to happen. I was hurting so bad and asked several times for an epidural but things went so fast that by the time I got one it was already too late. I gave birth to our baby girl without any pain meds.

I gave birth to our little girl Talya Rose on April 10th at 1:58pm. She weighted 6lbs. 11oz and was 18 3/4 inches long. She was just beautiful. She looked just like her brothers and sister expect she had dark hair. We had many visitors but I wasn't able to see many of them come in. Immediatly after having Talya I got sick. I had a horrible fever, shakes and a headache. Again at that time I was just hoping I would fall asleep and never wake up. Emotional pain and physical pain just suck but having them at the same time is just unbearable.

I was lucky enought to have Heidi call some friends to let everyone know what happened and was very greatful for Heidi doing this. I was way too sick to make any calls and I don't even know if I could call anyone. After family and friends came to visit it was time to sleep, or dose off. I really didn't sleep I wanted to spend as much time with my girl as I could. Greg wen't home so he could get some sleep, but I found out later that he didn't sleep much either. The kids spent the night at Heidi's and Greg was alone. I was scared that he was alone becuase he had such a hard time with Tred passing that I was afraid he my drink himself to nothing. He did have a few drinks and was able to dose off through the night. My friend LeaAnna and Renee came to visit me at night and LeaAnna stayed the night with me. I am so thakful for those friends that are able to comfort me (I like to act tough and put up walls).

Our nurse had come in at night and did Talya's feet and hand prints and I was able to wash the ink off. What a great and horrible feeling that that I was able to give her, her first and last cleaning. The nurse had asked if I wanted a bassinet to put her in so I could sleep and I never answered her. I didn't want to put her in a bassinet, I wanted to hold her and rock her and just have her near me. I held her all night and was able to do so until the next day.

The next day I was going to be going home and we had to say goodby to our baby. I was dreading this time as I knew it would be hard. I took a shower as Greg sat on the bed and said his goodbyes. I got out of the shower and heard voices so I just finished getting dressed. I came out and Greg said I couldn't leave because I had a blood infection. So again I was at the hospital for another day. We said our goodbyes to Talya and they took her away. It was so hard to say goodbye again.

The only thing that was keeping us together was B, P and E and knowing that Talya would be in heaven with her big brother Tred. This has been a horrible year for our family and we can only hope that their is a reason to have 2 babies pass away in 10 months.

Sad week

It was a sad week. It was so hard to belive that it's been a year since Tred passed away. I felt so alone this week. It seems that no-one really remembered Tred unless I reminded them of his birthday. It hurt so bad that some family members even forgot. Is it really that hard to acknowledge him. Just becuase Tred died doesn't mean he didnt exist.

I would love to have saw his name on one of the message boards and it not be me typing it. Do people that have never experienced a loss want to see the name of a baby that passed away on a message board. LIFE IS SO HARD, DEATH IS SO HARD.

*SIGH*

I love you!!!!! Happy Heavenly Birthday!

:(

I'm just sad and angry

I'm sad and angry today.

I thought I could handle it

I had to excuse myself from a board I frequent because I just can't handle all of the posts of people having babies and how tired they are and how they want their babies to sleep. I just can't handle seeing everyone so happy. I mean isn't the world supposed to stop because we are sad!!!

I feel like telling the tired and sleepy complainers to SHUT THE F-UP!!! I would trade you in a heart beat to be in your position. I mean are you kidding, your complaining about being tired and wanting your baby to sleep when their is me that would just die for that.

OK, now that I got that out I can resume my day!

Today

Well I had to get yet another ultrasound and mammogram for a lump under my armpit. I was told to be their 1/2 before my appt and I did. Unfortunatley they were running late so it took 20 minutes to get in after my appt time. While waiting, of course, a woman and her newborn came in from the hospital. It just doesn't end. I felt so uncomfortable and I think the staff could see it. They called me in and I had to wait in the "other" waiting room after getting into a hospital gown. Then they asked me questions about when I first felt the lump. I had to think of how to answer that question. I pretty much just told her I felt it April 20th. I really didn't want to go into more so I just picked a date. It felt nice to not have to explain what happened to a complete stranger.

I laughed pretty hard tonight at something DH and I were talking about. It felt good to laugh but the sadness still overshadows that one good laugh. Things are going a bit better but when they seem to start to go and feel better, something always happens.

I hate thinking in such a negative way but I don't know anything different. I don't think I am being too negative around the kids but I really don't know. The older kids are at school and I hate it but I also go crazy when they are home. I have E here with me all day but he really is so independant but has his moments. He really is a mama's boy and I am so glad becuase it makes me feel so good at the things he says even though he may not know what it means.

I am feeling so lost. I thought I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up and now I don't know. I know I would like to work again, but just don't know what field of work to go into. The economy sucks so what field of work do you choose? I don't even know what I am good at anymore. I would love to work from home but what would I do. Ya I can sew, but what do I sew that I can sell. I can make some jewelry but who wants homemade jewelry when they can buy top notch jewelry at home shows or from stores. I really would love to feel as though I am accomplishing something.

I am tomorrow may be the day that I order Talya's headstone. *SIGH* It makes me nervous and scared.

Sunday was nice

Our Sunday visiting Tred and Talya was nice. It was emotional, as always, but nice. The kids were happy to see the balloons I put out, they said "I love you". We went to my sisters house to have dinner and it was nice hanging out with her and the kids. It's easier to not be sad when your around people.

I am not looking forward to this week. I have to go to the monument place and order Talya's headstone. I am so sad to have to do this.

I hate to be a broken record, but why did this happen to our family and to our babies?

F*&K You

Why is it everytime I go anywhere I see pregnant women and babies. Is this a joke? If it is I don't find if funny at all. I was at gymnastics today and I was sitting right by a woman that had a new baby boy. I went to Target and every isle I went down their were pregnant women and babies galore. UUUUGGGHHHHHH. This is why I hate going anywhere. I feel as though I'm being punished.

I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin lately that I don't know if I'm crying becuase of that or if I'm crying because of feeling sad for losing the babies. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I hate, hate hate shopping for clothes. I have a horrible hanging stomach and my boobs are a lot smaller than they were and I just hate how my clothes feel on me. I have nothing to show for looking the way I do and it just makes me feel even sadder and lonelier.

I am not taking my sleeping pills lately because I'm so afraid something is going to happen to the kids. I've had some pretty bad dreams (as though my life isn't a bad dream) about Greg and the kids while on the sleeping pills so I've stopped taking them. This just really sucks. Nights are horrible becuase it just leaves me to think about "what could have been", "what could I have done differently" "what will happen in the future".

The guilt of losing the kids is just eating at me. I know that everyone says it's not my fault but Fuck, that's my job as a mom. I am supposed to keep my babies safe and I didn't. I can't even keep the living kids safe. We've had stitches almost every other week, well yes I'm exaggerating but it sure feels like we've been to the ER every other week. I just keep going around in my head about things and it just makes me sick how this can happen. Was I that bad as a kid that God is paying me back? I just don't get it.

Can you die from a broken heart????? My heart hurts so bad on so many levels. Am I screwing up the lives of the kids becuase I'm so consumed with Tred and Talya being gone? UUUUGGGHHHH I just hate this second guessing myself constantly, I have totally lost who I was. Then their is that question, Who am I?

Why?????

Why did this happen to Tred and Talya?
Why did this happen to us?
Why were we choosen?
Why did God do this to us?
Why is this a part of God's plan?
Why do we have to listen to people say stupid things?
Why am I being tortured?
Why do we have to be left suffering when we are good people?
Why do we have to endure this pain for the rest of our lives?
Why are OUR babies burried?
Why couldn't I have watched them grow?
Why is this considered life?
Why do I have to be the angry one?
Why do I have to be the resentful one?
Why do I have to be the bitter one?
Why do I have to be the sorrowful one?
Why do I have to wake up every morning just hoping to make it through the day?
Why do I have to go to bed at night dreading the next day?
Why do I have to spend so much time crying everyday?
Why are they in heaven and not with us?
Why are we being punished?
Why do I have to worry about having more children?
Why do I have to keep myself busy so I don't go crazy?
Why do people not know what to say or do in regards to this?
Why did this have to happen?
Why do I feel responsible for their deaths?
Why do I have to be the mom that lost 2 babies?
Why do I feel like crying when I see other babies?
Why does everyone say I have 3 health children as if my 2 babies didn't matter?
Why does everyone have to worry about me?
Why do I have to celebrate birthdays at the cemetary?
Why do I have to clean headstones and not rooms?
Why did I come home from the hospital with boxes and not my babies?
Why does my heart hurt so bad?
Why was Tred taken at 21 weeks?
Why was Talya taken at 38 weeks?
Why do I feel alone?

Mother's Day

This was a particulary hard day. Not only am I missing 2 children but it was also 1 month from the day Talya passed.

Where do I go from here

I am not sure where to go from here. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. Everything was planned when I was pregnant with Tred. I was going to stay home and do daycare. I have since stopped doing daycare. Tred passed away and I was going to stay home until E was in school. We found out I was pregnant and things were going according to plan again. I would stay home and possibly start daycare again so I could raise the new baby. Then the horrific day came and Talya passed away. Again our plans were ripped from us and now I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel as though with the babies passing I lost myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. What do I stand for? I feel so empty that feel bad for my children having to see me so sad everyday.

I wish their were more support groups in MN. Yes I don't mind talking to my friends and families about my babies but I really want to talk to other people that have experienced what I have. I know it's a long shot, but it's something that I would like to have.

*SIGH*

Today was our due date for Talya. I am so sad and to top it off we got the results back today from her autopsy. How the hell does it happen again. They found Group B strep in her system. What is wrong with me? Am I defective? A baby passing away from a virus and the other from a bacteria. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to throw-up. My dr. is now wanting me to be seen by a Maternal-Fetal medicine dr. to review the records and see what is going on with me.

I am so sad today and hope my sleeping pill kicks in fast!!!

It just doesn't seem real

I guess I am still in shock that Talya passed away. It just doesn't seem real. I still cry for her but it just seems like a horrible nightmare. I just can't believe that she is gone. She was moving fine one night and the next morning she is gone. I can't help but feel I did something wrong to have lost 2 babies in a 10 month period. For now I can't emotionally handle being pregnant again. I never thought I would lose a baby and now I have lost 2. I am finding myself being more emotional at night and not sure why. I feel at peace in the day but once I have to go to sleep I just cry. I have a feeling it's because I just don't want to miss what B, P, and E do in their sleep. I have found myself check on them a few times before my sleeping pill kicks in, once that kicks in I am out until the morning (which may be a good thing for my healing).

We have started planting our garden adding a few beautiful flowers and family bought us some beautiful Statues to put in the garden. We may extend our garden a bit so the kids can plant the flowers themselves. So far Greg and B have planted the flowers, but I know that P and E want to plant some as well.

For now I am just feeling *blah*. I'm not happy, I'm not a blubbering mess, I'm just *blah*. Here is a picture of our precious angel Talya Rose.

Another loss

I am so sad to announce that we lost our little princess Talya Rose. She was stillborn on 4/10 at 38 weeks gestation. I am beyond words to explain how I feel. I was being superstitious and didn't post much about my pregnancy. I had fears that if I talked about being pregnant something would happen. Well something did happen she will now be in heaven with her brother. As sad as I am I am glad they will be with each other.

*SIGH*. I find myself having a hard time looking at Tred's pictures. It makes me so sad that he isn't here with us. I h ve his pictures up and when I see him I cry. I've even had a hard time talking about him of late becuase I tear up. I now am feeling extremely scared about this pregnancy. When I don't feel the baby move, I panic and fear the worst. I just want to get past this fear so I can deal with Tred's upcoming 1 year birthday. That was hard to say, I can't believe he's been gone almost a year. Oh, here come the tears.

Fear

Well my fear of losing Tred has left me scared of posting somethings. I know it's irrational thinking but when you loose a baby how are you supposed to think? I so very much wanted Tred and now that he is gone I feel empty. I am very scared as to what is going to happen when the anniversary of his date approaches. I had a complete break down on his due date, what is going to happen to me on his anniversary? I sometimes wonder if people ignore me becuase I talk about him. I've got in contact with some old friends and once I tell them about Tred, I never hear from them again! It hurts to kinow that just becuase my son died, that people don't want to talk about him or are afraid to acknowledge him. Then I've got some old friends that I've been in contact with that still talk to me as well as occaionally ask how I am. Those are the ones that I wish I would have been closer to in school. You really find out who your friends are when something like this happens.

I hope that some day I will be able to go to the cemetary and be happy to know that Tred isn't sick anymore but is in a peaceful and wonderful place but for now I just wish he was with me and am still trying to work through him not being with us.

The kids are trying to remain positive about this pregnancy but I can tell that it's not the first thing they talk about as it's not the first thing I talk about either. It scares me so much that I am afraid of something going wrong. I am beginning to think I may need extra help with B. I think he needs to see a therapist or psychiatrist. He just overreacts more than before and now has a horrible temper and gets mad at the littlest things. Besides that I would like to have him talk about Tred and not feel guilty. He sees someone at school, however he doesn't talk much he just listens to what she has to say. I really don't want him to be a person that keeps everything inside and then blows up at the final straw.

*SIGH*

I love, miss and wish you were here with us Tred!

Angry

I am so angry and upset that I just want to throw things. We didn't get a chance to visit Tred last week becuase of the kids sports. Well we visited him today and Then my anger struck. His marker had 2 inches of mud on it. Well thankfully we had a shovel to shovel it off and once we got the mud off we notices that their was a large spot on the marker that had been broken off. How could anyone be so rude and uncaring. The only think I have left of my baby is his marker and it look like that. Well it looks as though they snow was removed from the area because for 2 burials. This mud wasn't from any runoff or the snow melting. I just get so upset that Tred's marker was so yucky looking. I can understand if it was a thing from nature but this was clearly not a natural thing.

I have contacted the cemetary and hope to hear from them soon!

(I am currently 29 weeks and am very nervous. I ask Tred every day to watch over us after I say a special prayer for him)

I am not very good at blogging

I have been so bag at keeping up blogging. I have been going through many things these last few months and some have been very hard. The holidays have been a bit hard but thankfully my husband and kids are very understanding because they are feeling the same. As I said, I have been going through a lot these last few months. We found out that I am pregnant again. It's bitter sweet and hard to be excited. I am constantly scared something is going to happen and we are going to be hurt again. We waited a long time before we told the kids and even now I am more than 1/2 way through the pregnancy and it is still scary.

When I told the kids E asked if the baby was going to die. That was the hardest question becuase I asked myself that same question. I said we hope not and left it at that. How can I answer the question when I am thinking it myself.

Anyway, We still have Sundays as day to visit Tred and it helps so much knowing that the kids look forward to visiting. I find it helpful to visit and have my time with him but wish I could hold him. I miss him every day!