Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What a rough week.

On October 10th my little Talya would have been 6 months old. I can't believe I have had to take this milestone again with tears of sorry instead of tears of joy. I just keep thinking about what could have been. Payton would have her sister that she so desperately wants (she asked for a sister for her birthday this year). When I look at her pictures I just don't understand the reasoning in why she had to die. The Whys will never stop for me, I just hurt so badly in my heart. I want to hold her, kiss her pouty lips, stroke her hair on my cheek. The song "one more day" keeps going around and around in my head.

Today is also another hard day. A year ago today was supposed to be Tred's due date. Again the what could have beens keep swirling in my head. Why did he have to catch something that I was exposed to so many years ago and never caught. Instead I catch it while I'm pregnant and he gets sick and dies. It just makes me so angry that my poor child is gone and my other one had to deal with the stress of feeling as though it was his fault.

I look at all of my children and see such beautiful wonderful people that have had to deal with so much sadness in their short lives. I hear people complain that their children are horrible and yes mine have been not so nice at times as well and I just think of how wonderful it would feel to tell Tred or Talya, the dreaded words "NO" or tell someone they are driving me crazy. I never want to take my children for granted for they are my everyday miracles. I have time with all of them and as mad as they make me, I am so proud to be their mom and hope they feel the same about me.

I am so thankful that I was able to hold, touch, caress, and see every part of my beautiful babies but can only wish I could turn back time to have them with me. Not many people get to hold such beautiful angels but I got to hold 2 and I'm sure they are making a ruckus in heaven becuase that's what my children do and I love them for being that way.


Kristy said...

Angie, your babies on earth ARE special even if they aren't always perfect. My miracles on earth are amazing, I love them more then I could ever say but yes they do drive me bonkers at times. They are kids, its normal...or so I tell myself, ha. It doesn't mean I love them any less. I totally get what you mean about wanting your other babies to be here and causing trouble with the other kids. It would be perfect and awesome and make my heart melt. *hugs*

Just a Cloud Away "Love Talk" said...

Good Morning Angie,

This is a difficult time for you and it doesn't get easier, it just gets drier. The tears are not a measure of love, just an indication of the rawness of when angels left us.

My little Tanner turned 6 in Heaven this past September 28th.

Peace Love and Hugs from Above

Annie said...

Hi Angie -

Just came across your blog and I'm so sorry for you losses. I too am trying to live with the loss of 2 babies in a very short time, though mine died for a different reason than yours. Wish I could fix it for both of us. Best wishes -


Theresa said...

I am sorry, I haven't read your blog yet. I came across it and was struck by the name of it. I too lost 2 babies within a year...8 months to be exact. I am not ready to what you have written yet, but it is nice to know I am not the only one who has been through so much in such a short time. I look forward to reading what you have to say when I get the courage up!