Monday, May 18, 2009

F*&K You

Why is it everytime I go anywhere I see pregnant women and babies. Is this a joke? If it is I don't find if funny at all. I was at gymnastics today and I was sitting right by a woman that had a new baby boy. I went to Target and every isle I went down their were pregnant women and babies galore. UUUUGGGHHHHHH. This is why I hate going anywhere. I feel as though I'm being punished.

I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin lately that I don't know if I'm crying becuase of that or if I'm crying because of feeling sad for losing the babies. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I hate, hate hate shopping for clothes. I have a horrible hanging stomach and my boobs are a lot smaller than they were and I just hate how my clothes feel on me. I have nothing to show for looking the way I do and it just makes me feel even sadder and lonelier.

I am not taking my sleeping pills lately because I'm so afraid something is going to happen to the kids. I've had some pretty bad dreams (as though my life isn't a bad dream) about Greg and the kids while on the sleeping pills so I've stopped taking them. This just really sucks. Nights are horrible becuase it just leaves me to think about "what could have been", "what could I have done differently" "what will happen in the future".

The guilt of losing the kids is just eating at me. I know that everyone says it's not my fault but Fuck, that's my job as a mom. I am supposed to keep my babies safe and I didn't. I can't even keep the living kids safe. We've had stitches almost every other week, well yes I'm exaggerating but it sure feels like we've been to the ER every other week. I just keep going around in my head about things and it just makes me sick how this can happen. Was I that bad as a kid that God is paying me back? I just don't get it.

Can you die from a broken heart????? My heart hurts so bad on so many levels. Am I screwing up the lives of the kids becuase I'm so consumed with Tred and Talya being gone? UUUUGGGHHHH I just hate this second guessing myself constantly, I have totally lost who I was. Then their is that question, Who am I?


heidi said...

I will talk to you about this later, but you need to remember that your job as a mom is to do anything in your power to take care of and love your children, they will always have accidents and injuries, you need to remember you did everything you were suppose to do for Tred and Talya, what happened to them was unfortunately out of your control, because if it there was something you could have done, you would have done it, and they would both be here today, so you really need to stop blamming your self for this, it sucks and it is not fair, but again it is nothing you could have done to prevent this..

Tina said...

Angie, none of this is your fault. You are not being punished. Unfortunately no one knows the why part of it. Don't beat yourself up for what is going on with B, P, and E. They need to see you grieving so they know it's ok for them to do also. We will go out (or stay in) one of these days when life calms down and we can talk and cry. Love you.