Friday, December 11, 2009

Life

In the midst of losing our babies and feeling sad, anger and every feeling that goes along with losing children, my MIL passed away. She passed away of a brain aneurysm. I am so sad that she has left us but am selfishly happy that she is taking care of the babies. If we parents aren't able to care for our babies in heaven, who better than grandparents. I can just feel the comfort of knowing she is taking good care of them but, as usual, here on earth our family is sad. Sad that we don't have her with us and sad for me, since she was the one from that side that really helped me and talked to me about the babies, the one that cared how our family felt. It feels as though we are just sailing through life wondering what tragic thing will happen next. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have my children think like that.

I am thinking of changing churches in order get myself to go and speak with a spiritual person. I am so lost in my faith that I just don't know where to start. I am wiped out emotionally and have fallen off my course of daily living. I know need to make a daily list of what needs to be done and I have never had to do it to the point that I have to remind myself to dust or make lunch. I am so no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life and that scares me. I have no idea if anymore children will be in my future since everyone is not wanting to take a risk again for fear of failure to produce a living child. I so badly want to have another child, not to take the place of either Tred or Talya, but to be able to hold my baby and watch them grow to be adults. Isn't life full of chances? I am definitely not ready to have another child right now but would love to be able to make that decision.



6 comments:

Frustrated Fairy said...

It's so hard deciding the future isn't it, I was just pondering the same questions! I don't know which way I'm going or what I'm going to do next. It's a crazy world and I hope you find peace in it. xxx

Malory said...

So sorry for your families loss. Grief ontop of grief. I will keep you in my prayers.

Annie said...

Hi Angie -

So sorry for the losses your family has suffered. I stumbled across your blog and will be following it and hoping better days are ahead for you. It seems we have a lot in common - I also lost two babies close together (both five months along and six months apart) and life's been one hell of a ride ever since for me, too. I notice we also are the same age and live in the same state! You can reach me through my blog if you'd like to get in touch. Best wishes -

Sherrie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages and understand the ache you feel for what is missing in your life. I will pray that you find the strength to find happiness again in life and enjoy the time with your three children on earth, and remember that being happy in no way will diminish the loss you feel for those babies in heaven. God bless you!

Tears in November said...

I just found you blog today and I just wanted to tell you I so, so get it, the hurt, the anger, the WHY!?!?. I feel like the things that you wrote in your blog are everything I have swirling around in my head from losing my son Devyn.

WalkerBerk said...
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