I'm just sad

I ended up going to the dr. and they had to up my meds.  I hate that I need to depend on medication to feel happy.  I feel even worse that my poor kids have to deal with me.  I love all my kids so much and miss them when I don't see them.  I got a new job and have been sad at the fact that I am not able to be home when they get home.  I miss tht time I have with them before they have their sports.  I miss everything.  I had to leave work yesterday becuase I was sick and I am sick again today and have not stopped crying.  I hate being alone here at home and hate that my little guy is going to day care, I just hate it.   I miss them when they are at school, I miss them always.  I wish I had more friends, I wish I could spend more time with my husband.  I just am so sad.

Liar, Liar pants on fire.....

Yep that's me..........a liar. I didn't get to my appointment. I had to reschedule due to the wrong time. Was it on purpose or accident. I really don't know which it was. I had a certain time stuck in my head and it was in the afternoon. The actual appointment was in the morning and I completely missed it. Did I feel bad that I missed it no, I was just pissed that I had to go there again. WTF was/is my problem. Hey Angie, show up to a room full of pregos just to reschedule your appointment and show up to a room full of pregos again! Anyway so here I go again, I have an appointment set up for this week which should have been done 6 months ago.

On a different subject. Why does is the old saying, when it rains it pours always happen to us. Well in the last 3 months my dog has had to have surgery 2 times. He has had an abscess in 2 different areas on his body, this is not a cheap surgery and to have it happen 2 times is really putting everything in jeopardy.

I am looking for work but there is something different. Before the babies passed, I was able to land any job. Now its just not happening. It feels as though I have a sign on my head that says "you don't want to hire her, she had 2 babies die, she's an emotional wreck at times, and her memory is crap". My zest for fun in life is gone and it seems to show to everyone. I hope something happens soon, things need to turn around at some point doesn't it???

Back to the babies, I had a huge melt down the other day. I have no idea why, but just looking at Talya's picture just made me break down. I am still struggling with the WHY. How do you get over that question? I know their is no answer but the perfectionist in me wants one and I don't want be let go until I have one. Actually I refuse to let go of the WHY question. Since the babies have passed away, I feel the need to mother them. I need to protect them. I need to keep their memory alive. I need to continue to ask WHY so I am able to mother them. Excuse me, but FUCK. How do you fix that. I know it's not healthy but I feel I need to do it. I feel they deserve the right to know as well. Why did they pass away before their parents. The questions without answers are the hardest part.

Could the continued black cloud over our house be around because I haven't gone back to church in over 2 years. Yep that's right 2 years. I am still having a hard time with forgiving. This isn't how things are supposed to go with our family. Bad things just keep happening and it isn't fun. I just wonder if the bad things are happening to punish us for not going to church. Of course others will say no but then why? There I go again, wanting an answer. *SIGH* I better stop before my head explodes.

Blah..........

That is how I can say how I feel today. This is the first official day of going to my yearly appointment after losing Talya. Ya, it's been more than a year but I couldn't get myself to go. I have rescheduled a few times (3 to be exact) and now I have to go. I'm putting off, I just don't want to go. I hate GYN appointments more than words can express. I hate sitting in the waiting room with women with babies and women that are pregnant. It's just uncomfortable for me. I've had to meet with my GYN a few times but not for the dreaded yearly. They no longer bring you back to a room ASAP because, well it's been longer than 6 weeks. I remember going back to the Dr. 6 weeks after having Tred and Talya and I was whisked back so I didn't have to sit in the waiting room, not it's pretty much as I'm treated by many friends, it's been a year, you're fine. HA HA HA, what does fine mean, it sure isn't me. Yes I can, more than likely, make it through sitting in the waiting room, it's that notion that people think that I'm "FINE" now. If it were only true. BLAH!!!!!

Also tomorrow it would have been Tred's due date two years ago. Gosh the days that stick in my head. I know all of my children's due dates and none of them were born on them, some were close but none were born on them. October is especially a hard month. It would have been Tred's due date and P was very excited to share a birth month with her brother. It's also P's birthday that she was to share with her grandma. She even asked if she can have a birthday party at the cemetery. I told her that since she doesn't have school that day, we will go celebrate with cupcakes and Pepsi (Linda's favorite drink).

Anyway, off to get ready to go to the crappiest type of appointment, BLAH!

I miss you Tred and Talya

I miss you both so much. I'm sure you hear me talking about you all the time. I've been able to talk about you a few times and not cry. I'm getting there! I hope you are being good and playing with all the other babies in heaven. I also hope you having a wonderful time with Grandma.
Sleep tight babies and know Daddy, Mommy, B, P and E miss and love you!

It's been a while

Well I have been on a break from the blogger world and from my blogger friends.....really for no apparent reason. I was contacted by e-mail, (thanks Annie) checking to see if I am alright because I haven't been on-line in a while. To Annie and others wanting to know, I am fine. Just going through my ups and downs, that's all.

I have been busy and have been working on my disbelief in life. I have to say I still get angry and frustrated at the complaining about babies being awake or hearing people say they are tired because they are awake with a baby....I just decide to bite my tongue and not engage in reading, writing or listening. This seems to be the only thing that works so I don't get angry. Why is it so hard too see others joyous...because they have what I want. No I don't want their baby or their lives, I want my living babies, that's all.

I still have my dreams of giving birth to the babies but they aren't as gut wrenching as they have been. Now when I dream them they have a white cloud like frame around the dreams which, when I wake up, makes me think that the babies are softening the hurt.

I don't believe when people say it gets easier, I think excruciating pain lessens but then is rears it ugly head on those special days of what could have been. I think about both children at all times and think of what they would be doing at the ages they are at. It breaks my heart that we as a family won't be able to enjoy watching them grow and watch them fight with their brothers and sisters, yes that's right fight. Our kids do that and even though it's not right that they fight, it's a joy to see them alive and trying to fix their problems with each other.

On a lighter note, the kids are talking about Tred and Talya more often. They are missing them so much and saying such nice things about them. They have all asked if we are going to have another baby and that they want one but I don't know how to answer that. I have told a few people that I would like to have another baby but then I get it thrown in my face by saying, I thought you weren't going to do that again and Why would you do that again, haven't you been through enough. It pissed me off at first and then it just made me sad that these people don't know me as well as I thought. It's really not any one's place to judge me and my family as these people have never been through what we have been through. We have lost a lot of friends and family over their selfishness of not wanting to deal with our babies dying.

All of my love is for my husband and children. We are the ones that live with losing our baby boy and baby girl and my poor children have lost a brother and sister. If you don't want to support us then STFU and say out of our lives. We are fine without your judgements!!!!

I miss you!

I miss you Tred and Talya. Holidays are so hard to deal with. I miss you both so much and wish you were here with us. I Love you both and hope you are exicted to see the fireworks in the sky. I wish you were watching them with us.......I Love You Tred......I Love You Talya......Say HI to Grandma for us!!

Thank you!!!!!

A big Thank you to those that have made things with Tred and Talya's name. It means so much to see their name written pretty much on anything. It really means alot knowing things were made and done specifically for them! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I hope I didn't forget anyone's website. I am so very thankful for

Amanda ~ Ireland's mom
http://namesinthestars.blogspot.com/

Waterfall Angels
Lisa – Jasper’s mom
http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/2010/02/talya-and-tred.html

Wall of Angels
Cara & hubby – mom of Emma Grace
http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/2009/10/nearly-to-ceiling.html

Angel baby names:
Laura – Cara’s mom
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/2010/04/talya.html
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/2010/04/tred.html

Abiding Hope collages
Franchesca ~ mom of Jenna Belle
http://www.hopecollage.org/2010/04/tred.html
http://www.hopecollage.org/2010/04/tayla.html

Angel Wings
Lea - mom to Nicholas
http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/2010/05/tred-and-talya.html

My Baby Butterfly Ella
Bree ~ mom to Ella
http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com/2009/06/ellas-parade-of-butterflies.html

Names on the sidewalk
Tiffany ~ mom to Genesis
http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/2010/06/tred-talya.html

Treasure from my heart
Grandma to Alessa Rose
http://treasurefrommyheart.blogspot.com/2010/04/talya-and-tred.html

Sara ~ Callia’s mom and K Family for writing my babies names in the sand!

I wish some days I never woke up

Today is one of those days. I thought things were supposed to get easier. Nope that is wrong. I don't see any light at the end of any tunnel or being able to come out of a tunnel at all. I have been so unhappy with life and things for a while now and each day that passes it seems to be getting worse. My children are pretty much self sufficient and they really don't need me to much of anything with them or for them for that matter. My marriage, well that's falling apart as well. I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore.

2 years

I miss you so much Tred. It's been 2 years sine you went to heaven and I missed you every. You were such a fighter and I am so proud of youu for that. I am so happy you are my son and I am your mommy. I hope to see you again some day. Happy Birthday and I love you more than words!

Glad it was a sunny day.

I say that sarcastically. I am glad it was a sunny day because I was able to wear sunglasses to hide the puffiness in my eyes. Yes I had been crying. I went to a children's birthday party and their were 2 new moms that I know talking about their babies birthday and how the hospital put them right on their chest and the baby start to breast feed and on and on....I just broke down. This is the first in a long time that I have cried. I had to go to my van because I just couldn't stop. This was the gut wrenching, hard time breathing crying that I experienced the day I found out out Tred and Talya had died. I was amazed that my husband, bless him, came up to the van to see where I was. He asked me what I was doing and I said nothing (why bother him with my worries and bring him down when he was having fun). he then asked if I was OK and I said ya and he gave me a hug and I just lost it again. I was a complete mess. I could barely catch my breath I was crying so hard. It's so frustrating that family doesn't understand my pain. I am having a hard time talking with people that haven't experienced this. I am able to talk to family but they just don't understand. I'm sure they are thinking in the back of their head that I am really needing to get over their deaths but I just can't. Everything reminds me of the babies and I mean everything. It is so hard to live in the moment when my my moments were taken and robbed from me.

The thins that really keep me going are my husband and children. I am so thankful to have them but yet I am so sad that they have to deal with me. I am so sad, I am not looking my best, I feel yucky and I just give off a vibe I don't want. I have said before that I am just not doing my living children justice and it just feels that way most of the time. I just don't know what else to do with my heart aching as much as it does.

On a bright note, E made a song today at the cemetary and it really was a good song. He kept singing it while we were visiting the babies and it was just so fitting. My love for those babies is so strong that I just don't know what to do with it anymore. I am so glad my husband and kids and I are able to talk about the babies and be happy and sad all at the same time.

Meaningful things make me happy and excited.

I am excited that I now have 2 followers on my other blog and one person that has already given me their baby's birthday information. I don't get excited that often but it makes my heart wam to know that I can do something to brighten someone's day.

http://wingsonroses.blogspot.com/

Why do my feelings turn on me

I have been feeling good (good as in not crying every second of the day) and then you get those blows of emotions that literally knock you to your knees. Yes I had a good day overall but then I was thinking of some things and how some feel I should be over my grief of losing my children. I should not be uncomfortable or angry at being around pregnant people. I guess those are the same people that think I shouldn't celebrate any birthdays because they aren't here to enjoy them. Well I would like to say to them STFU!!!!! You have absolutely no idea what my husband, children and myself are going through. My children lost a brother and sister that they will never get to teach the fun things that brothers and sisters teach each other. My husband and I lost two children and had to bury them which is the most excruciating thing in the world to do. Why can't you just STFU and let me deal with my grief the way I want to deal with it. I don't judge you on how you handle tough issues, all I do is listen and I expect the same. If you think I should be over things than get out of my life because I will never be over losing my babies.....EVER!

As I was sitting and thinking about the babies, I sadly realized that I would have two 1 year olds playing with the older kids. It is so sad that they aren't here for us to listen to them giggle, scream when they are stuck, all of the fun stuff that 1 year olds do.

I need your heavenly babies special info.....

As I sit here and ponder the lack of support us parents that have had a child pass, I would like to get your babies special information. I would like to send you a card letting you know that I remember.

http://wingsonroses.blogspot.com/

Right now I don't have a badge (I don't know how to make one), but this site is up and running.

I said it before and I will say it again,

You really know who your friends and family are when you have lost a child. I am so ashamed to even know some people I call family and friends. Talya's birthday came and some family I believe only helped us celebrate because they were told about her celebration. If we didn't invite them they would never had known (this I know as tey all forgot Tred's birthday last year). Then their are people I considered friends back in the day that I lost contact with and then reconnected with and now after hearing what has happened to me and our family, they no longer talk to me or even leave messages on this blog or even one of those messaging sites. I just don't get it. If it were someone else that has gone through losing a child and I knew about it, I would be trying to find information for them and post to them on their special days and even send a card to their home.

I JUST DON'T GET IT. Yes I am a mom of 3 living children. Yes I am a mom of 2 children that died. GET OVER YOURSELF AND PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES ONCE. IT IS A LONELY, LONELY LIFE AND ALL I WANT ARE FRIENDS.

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Talya!!!

What a rough year this has been without you. I miss you so much baby girl. I wish you were here with us. The kids miss you every day and talk about you and Tred. I am so heart broken that you are gone. I wish I could turn back time and have you here. I love you more than anyone will ever know. I love you, love you, love you Princess Talya.

I wish people would understand

I wish more people would understand how I feel. I don't want them to go through what I have been through, I just wish they would understand. Yes it still hurts to see babies, yes it hurts to see pregnant women and yest I know it will take time but I will heal on my time not your time.

Can we just erase days.

I really wish I could erase some days. I am having a hard time with how things are going in my life. I was never a big person and I am now. I have tried to stay on a diet but I feel of a few weeks ago. I have gained 2lbs which isn't a lot but it's a lot to me. I wish their was a pill that would just make me thin, or a pill that would stop me from wanting to constantly eat. If I had a baby I wouldn't be eating all the time, I'd be chasing babies all over the house. Why are eating and emotions tied together. I have picked up a few things that I just haven't been able to do because I just can't get my damn mind organized. F&*( you food and the emotions that come with it.

Alright now that I got that out, I do really need to figure out how to set up an exercise routine. I have become a fat, lazy non-caring person that really just doesn't give a shit, but I know that won't get me very far. Where do I begin.........

And it happened again.

We went to the cemetary on our weekly visits and it happened again. Their is a chunk taken out of Tred's headstone. It happened last year and now this year. I am getting so pissed off. All I have left of Tred is his headstone and the cemetary has broken it twice. Why is it so hard for the grounds crew to realize that this is a baby location and it should be treated with care. The spot that was broken last year is now all scuffed up. Hopefully they will fix it fast and fix it right as well as fixing the scuff marks.

Blah

Yet another day of feeling just Blah. I am still on a diet and obviously feel off by having a few meals that I should not have had. I have had a somach ache since having that food. I know I shouldn't eat that food becuase it always gives me a stomach ache. I feel as though I am never hungry and am constantly eating. I eat more when I am emotional and boy am I ever emotional.

My lovely Auntie Cherly passed away over the weekend and my emotions are just out of wack. I am back to staying up late becuse I just hate dreaming and nothing has been taking those dreams away. I just want to have a peaceful sleep. I am so sad that my poor kids keep having to deal with death. Who thought is was fair for them to go through this kind of hurt again, or for that matter to see me hurt. I am just having a heck of a time lately and I know it's becuae Talya's one year is just around the corner.

WHY CAN'T LIFE BE EASY!!!!

*SIGH*

I am just feeling so sad today. I really shouldn't but some days my heart just hurts so bad I become sad. I am so angry, sad and jealous when I hear someone say or see that someone is pregnant. I just want that to be me, I want that announcement. Actually, I just want to turn back time and change the past. On top of my feelings, I didn't complete a school assignment because I just wasn't giving myself enough time, now I feel like yet again a failure. I wish I could have things back to where they were. I want my babies back, I want my memory back, I want my everything back.

Tred and Talya, please give me strength to function day-to-day. I am struggling.

Took some time off

I have taken some time off from blogging becuase I made some changes in my life. I am going back to school becuase the silence of sitting at home doing the same thing day after day, has just been too much. The time I have while E is at school just makes me sad. He may very well be our last child to enter school and it just hurts. I so badly want a baby, not to replace Tred or Talya, but because that is what I was supposed to be doing right now.

I really hate being in that bad feeling place. I am not a fun person to be around. My emotions turn at the drop of a hat. I have a horrible memory and just feel as though I am doing my living children no justice. My children are more responsible than their mother, that's just not right. I can't sleep at night, and when I get to sleep I have nighmares and when it's time to wake up I can't get myself up. I am afraid of those damn sleeping pills so I just don't take them.

Again, back to the school thing. I started school again to keep my self overly busy. For the most part I am doing well. I've gotten a few good responses on my papers but it still doesn't seem like I've done good enough. I've also started dieting and have lost 5lbs to-date and it's not even exiciting. I have lost myself as a person in losing my children. I was hoping that at some point I would get my happiness back but I just haven't. I put on a front for people becuase I have to. I don't like to seem weak or that I can't handle things but in actuality, I can't. I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to do in life.

*SIGH* No need to come to my pity party. This is just my life now.