Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Liar, Liar pants on fire.....

Yep that's me..........a liar. I didn't get to my appointment. I had to reschedule due to the wrong time. Was it on purpose or accident. I really don't know which it was. I had a certain time stuck in my head and it was in the afternoon. The actual appointment was in the morning and I completely missed it. Did I feel bad that I missed it no, I was just pissed that I had to go there again. WTF was/is my problem. Hey Angie, show up to a room full of pregos just to reschedule your appointment and show up to a room full of pregos again! Anyway so here I go again, I have an appointment set up for this week which should have been done 6 months ago.

On a different subject. Why does is the old saying, when it rains it pours always happen to us. Well in the last 3 months my dog has had to have surgery 2 times. He has had an abscess in 2 different areas on his body, this is not a cheap surgery and to have it happen 2 times is really putting everything in jeopardy.

I am looking for work but there is something different. Before the babies passed, I was able to land any job. Now its just not happening. It feels as though I have a sign on my head that says "you don't want to hire her, she had 2 babies die, she's an emotional wreck at times, and her memory is crap". My zest for fun in life is gone and it seems to show to everyone. I hope something happens soon, things need to turn around at some point doesn't it???

Back to the babies, I had a huge melt down the other day. I have no idea why, but just looking at Talya's picture just made me break down. I am still struggling with the WHY. How do you get over that question? I know their is no answer but the perfectionist in me wants one and I don't want be let go until I have one. Actually I refuse to let go of the WHY question. Since the babies have passed away, I feel the need to mother them. I need to protect them. I need to keep their memory alive. I need to continue to ask WHY so I am able to mother them. Excuse me, but FUCK. How do you fix that. I know it's not healthy but I feel I need to do it. I feel they deserve the right to know as well. Why did they pass away before their parents. The questions without answers are the hardest part.

Could the continued black cloud over our house be around because I haven't gone back to church in over 2 years. Yep that's right 2 years. I am still having a hard time with forgiving. This isn't how things are supposed to go with our family. Bad things just keep happening and it isn't fun. I just wonder if the bad things are happening to punish us for not going to church. Of course others will say no but then why? There I go again, wanting an answer. *SIGH* I better stop before my head explodes.

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