Monday, May 17, 2010

Glad it was a sunny day.

I say that sarcastically. I am glad it was a sunny day because I was able to wear sunglasses to hide the puffiness in my eyes. Yes I had been crying. I went to a children's birthday party and their were 2 new moms that I know talking about their babies birthday and how the hospital put them right on their chest and the baby start to breast feed and on and on....I just broke down. This is the first in a long time that I have cried. I had to go to my van because I just couldn't stop. This was the gut wrenching, hard time breathing crying that I experienced the day I found out out Tred and Talya had died. I was amazed that my husband, bless him, came up to the van to see where I was. He asked me what I was doing and I said nothing (why bother him with my worries and bring him down when he was having fun). he then asked if I was OK and I said ya and he gave me a hug and I just lost it again. I was a complete mess. I could barely catch my breath I was crying so hard. It's so frustrating that family doesn't understand my pain. I am having a hard time talking with people that haven't experienced this. I am able to talk to family but they just don't understand. I'm sure they are thinking in the back of their head that I am really needing to get over their deaths but I just can't. Everything reminds me of the babies and I mean everything. It is so hard to live in the moment when my my moments were taken and robbed from me.

The thins that really keep me going are my husband and children. I am so thankful to have them but yet I am so sad that they have to deal with me. I am so sad, I am not looking my best, I feel yucky and I just give off a vibe I don't want. I have said before that I am just not doing my living children justice and it just feels that way most of the time. I just don't know what else to do with my heart aching as much as it does.

On a bright note, E made a song today at the cemetary and it really was a good song. He kept singing it while we were visiting the babies and it was just so fitting. My love for those babies is so strong that I just don't know what to do with it anymore. I am so glad my husband and kids and I are able to talk about the babies and be happy and sad all at the same time.


With Out My Punkin said...

((hugs)) I understand... Here for you if you need/want it! I wish our babies were here with us.

Annie said...

This part really resonates with me: "The thing that really keep me going are my husband and children. I am so thankful to have them but yet I am so sad that they have to deal with me". I've said this SO many times to my hubby! I feel that I would drown in my tears and die if I didn't have my husband and kids to cling to, but I'm so afraid I'll drown after all and take them down with me. What a horrible place to be: Feeling like a failure for not being able to keep my babies alive and also failing my living children and being unable to just ENJOY them because I'm so down.

I'd still like to meet up sometime - sorry I dropped the ball on that thanks to our current crisis. For now I'm in day-to-day survival mode! Again! Or more accurately - STILL!

Supposed to be... "Mama G"... said...

I am so sorry that you family doesn't seem to understand your pain. Unless they are you, they don't understand how YOU feel. You are allowed to feel the way you need to feel, without guilt. Know that your hubby and children LOVE you, and will be there on the down days, and the good days. I find that sometimes, when the topic of my daughter comes up in conversation with family (and it does everytime I see them)..I talk about her. The last thing I want is my daughter to be the elephant in the room..and my counsellor has managed to bring me to the point where I have accepted that if other's don't like it when I talk about my daughter...that is their problem, not mine.
Big Hugs to you, a birthday party is my worst nightmare right now. Thankfully, I don't think I would even be invited to any. You will handle these things the way you need to handle them. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband, and awesome kids that will always be there. <3

The Porter's said...

I wish I had the right words to say to you. Or tell you something you really wanted to hear. But I don't, and I'm sorry for that. I have no idea what amount of pain you are going through. I want you to no that I DO pray for you. That you make it through another day! I no it's not alot but i hope you find comfort it that. Hope your days get better.