Well I have been on a break from the blogger world and from my blogger friends.....really for no apparent reason. I was contacted by e-mail, (thanks Annie) checking to see if I am alright because I haven't been on-line in a while. To Annie and others wanting to know, I am fine. Just going through my ups and downs, that's all.
I have been busy and have been working on my disbelief in life. I have to say I still get angry and frustrated at the complaining about babies being awake or hearing people say they are tired because they are awake with a baby....I just decide to bite my tongue and not engage in reading, writing or listening. This seems to be the only thing that works so I don't get angry. Why is it so hard too see others joyous...because they have what I want. No I don't want their baby or their lives, I want my living babies, that's all.
I still have my dreams of giving birth to the babies but they aren't as gut wrenching as they have been. Now when I dream them they have a white cloud like frame around the dreams which, when I wake up, makes me think that the babies are softening the hurt.
I don't believe when people say it gets easier, I think excruciating pain lessens but then is rears it ugly head on those special days of what could have been. I think about both children at all times and think of what they would be doing at the ages they are at. It breaks my heart that we as a family won't be able to enjoy watching them grow and watch them fight with their brothers and sisters, yes that's right fight. Our kids do that and even though it's not right that they fight, it's a joy to see them alive and trying to fix their problems with each other.
On a lighter note, the kids are talking about Tred and Talya more often. They are missing them so much and saying such nice things about them. They have all asked if we are going to have another baby and that they want one but I don't know how to answer that. I have told a few people that I would like to have another baby but then I get it thrown in my face by saying, I thought you weren't going to do that again and Why would you do that again, haven't you been through enough. It pissed me off at first and then it just made me sad that these people don't know me as well as I thought. It's really not any one's place to judge me and my family as these people have never been through what we have been through. We have lost a lot of friends and family over their selfishness of not wanting to deal with our babies dying.
All of my love is for my husband and children. We are the ones that live with losing our baby boy and baby girl and my poor children have lost a brother and sister. If you don't want to support us then STFU and say out of our lives. We are fine without your judgements!!!!