Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Took some time off

I have taken some time off from blogging becuase I made some changes in my life. I am going back to school becuase the silence of sitting at home doing the same thing day after day, has just been too much. The time I have while E is at school just makes me sad. He may very well be our last child to enter school and it just hurts. I so badly want a baby, not to replace Tred or Talya, but because that is what I was supposed to be doing right now.

I really hate being in that bad feeling place. I am not a fun person to be around. My emotions turn at the drop of a hat. I have a horrible memory and just feel as though I am doing my living children no justice. My children are more responsible than their mother, that's just not right. I can't sleep at night, and when I get to sleep I have nighmares and when it's time to wake up I can't get myself up. I am afraid of those damn sleeping pills so I just don't take them.

Again, back to the school thing. I started school again to keep my self overly busy. For the most part I am doing well. I've gotten a few good responses on my papers but it still doesn't seem like I've done good enough. I've also started dieting and have lost 5lbs to-date and it's not even exiciting. I have lost myself as a person in losing my children. I was hoping that at some point I would get my happiness back but I just haven't. I put on a front for people becuase I have to. I don't like to seem weak or that I can't handle things but in actuality, I can't. I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to do in life.

*SIGH* No need to come to my pity party. This is just my life now.


Annie said...

Can I come to your pity party? What a sad post, and especially so because I'm with you in the very same place...not fun to be around, emotions turn at the drop of a hat, horrible memory, not doing the living children justice, putting up a front but not really handling it all, etc. It's a horrible place to be.

Marie said...

Hi Angie, I discovered your blog about a week ago and found myself going back to read your whole story. I can't get my head around what happened to you, how could such a thing happened. I'm so sorry. I admire your honesty and thankyou for sharing your story and putting things in perspective for the rest of us. I wish you the best.

Kelly said...

Hi Angie,
i haven't looked at your blog in a while. I am so glad I thought I would face some tears and look at blogs today! I know how you feel. I think though, that if you asked your kids and husband, they would report that you are better than you think you are. I think because you feel the pain and misery, it seems like it's on your sleeve. Luckily, only a drop of it's there, and our kids are at the self-centered part of development, so they don't notice all our shortcomings!
For me your blog is strengthening, because every day is hard for me too. I don't like it when blogs show how faithful and happy the moms are! this is the ugly part about loss- it's what makes the "grieving" part of grief. It's why this is a harder trial to bear than a lot of people's. thank you for your honesty. I hope I will get more honet with my own blog. Family members tend to get mad at me for my thoughts. I am slowly turning to a recluse with them because there just isn't understanding there. I'm so thankful the Lord didn't put me here alone, that you are here too. We are in a mission, and we will get through it and see our babies again and be so proud of all of us when it's over!
Oh - also wanted to tell you that my mother in law died too - weird. She died on October 26, about 3 1/2 months after my second baby. I too am glad she's with them. But I wonder when this season of death will pass our family. It's so weird that we share that.

Kristy said...

Welcome back, I took a break too as the holidays were just too hard on me. I am glad you are able to focus more on you with going back to school. Taking care of your mind and your body are both wonderful things, and I hope in time you start to feel better about yourself. You'll get there, but lean on me/us when you need to. *hugs*

Tears in November said...

Can I come to the pity party, too? It's like you are speaking for me. I so get it, I so, so get it. I'm there. Thank you for voicing this.

Just Breathe said...

Angie, thank you for your kind words on my blog For Your Tears.
I would love to send you a handkerchief. I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to read more about your babies if you could direct me to the posts. I will pray for your comfort and strength. My heart is heavy with your sorrow. Please send me your full name and address so I can put that in the mail to you.

Take care and God Bless. Debby

Kerry Elizabeth Willberg said...

Hi Angie,

I've been thinking of you wondering how you are doing.
I can relate and appreciate your honesty. It's so good that you are able to write about it and get it off your chest. I think that you must be a fantastic Mom, I can feel your heart from your writing and the love that it has. I am sure your kids and husband can feel that and appreciate it too.

Alicia said...

Hi Angie, I understand the pity party. My sweet Jeremiah died 5 years ago and there are some days where something will make me cry for him. I have a shelf in my bedroom dedicated to him. I have 4 living children and there are a lot of times they ask me why I am sad. There are times they ask about him. My son so desperately wants a brother. He does not understand why his only brother is up in heaven. It is very sad. (He may have others, but the miscarrages were before I found out what the sex was). Anyway, I am trying to figure out how to put my thoughts to my blog, so there will be pictures up soon of him and his birth story.

Just Breathe said...

Got your email. You are very welcome. Take care & God Bless.

Lisa said...

Hello, It is Lisa from Jasper, Forever our first born. I wanted to let
you know that I wrote your angels name and took some pictures and wanted
to give them to you. I am doing this for all the angels on the blogs that
I follow. Here is the link. I hope you like them.