Sunday

We have designated Sundays our cemetary visitation day. The kids look forward to this day and actually got mad when Greg was working. They thought we weren't going to be going. I assured them that Dad had to work and we will visit Tred later in the day. It was so nice to go see him today. This week has been a rought one, I don't know why, it just has been. My sister has been so good to me. She calls to see how I'm doing and has been able to listen to me whenever I need to talk to someone.

I also have a wonderful internet support group. I have internet friends that I have talked on-line with for 7 years (since I was pregnant with P). I also have a wonderful set of internet friends that I am able to see in real life. I have gotten so much support from both groups of woman and am so greatful that I found them. I am so greatful for the wonderful women I have in my life. You are all definitly my sisters.

Thank you all that have supported us through this rough time. I am sure I will have more rought days ahead of me and am so glad I am able to discuss it with all of you!

On a different note, I am finding it harder and harder as time goes on to smile. I noticed this when we were driving to visit Tred. I find it hard to smile at anything and just want it to change. I hate being unhappy and sad. I have wonderful friends and a great family and I still can't fine it in myself to smile. I want to be happy again. I e-mailed a wonderful person "C" about how I hate GOD right now and I don't want to feel that way either. Sometimes I feel so lost and lonely that it makes me even more sad and unhappy. *SIGH*

I have decided to seek out professional help. I don't want the other children to feel as thought I don't care about them. I have noticed that I have changed and want to be happier for them. I hope I can find it in myself to follow-through with getting myself happier.

Why can't I do this.

I was invited to a friends house a week ago but it was for today. I got things to go there and I had P and E with. I had them all packed to go and I had to grab a few things at the store. I was on my way there and I just couldn't do it. This wave of fear and sadness just swept over me. My day started out with sleeping too late (sleep issues are not a new thing for me but have gotten worse). I had to get Greg a pair of swim trunks for a swimming party he was taking B to so I could go to my friends house. I had a hell of a time finding swim trunks and then I ended up with the wrong size. I am just so embarrassed that I wasn't able to do this. I had to text my friend and tell him I was having a bad day. I ended up at my moms house and cried a bit. UUUGGGHHH. I just want this feeling to go away. Sadness, Anger and Fear are just no fun.

Lets try this again

I lost my other post so this may be rambling. I went to a support group last night and it was nice. I feel as though I was able to cry and I didn't need to hide my feelings to protect Greg and the kids from being sad. I received our baby pictures today. They were beautiful. I also received my bracelet that I had ordered for myself and the kids. I am going to order a keychain for Greg.

Another day

Yesterday I got a visitor in the afternoon. My pictures of Tred arrived. They were just beyond beautiful. I enjoy looking at his pictures but then again it's so hard that I have pictures and not him. I also received my charm for my bracelet that I ordered for myself and the kids. I am still trying to find a decent priced keychain for Greg to have. I went to a support group last night and it was nice to be able to cry and not feel as thought I need to kep it together for the kids. I am trying to look at things in a lighter note but it's very hard to do when a piece of my heart is missing. I am trying to get out more but it's hard. I want to be happy but it's hard. I feel if I go and do fun things, I am not remembering my little boy. I know it sounds silly but I just don't want to forget him. I don't want my happiness to overshadow him being a person. Someone told me a great quote from the Dr. Seuss movie - Horton hears a Who "A person's a person no matter how small". Thank you for that quote!!!

*SIGH*

I made an agreement with a magazine company about purchasing magazines. Well apparently I can't cancel it becuaes it's alike a pre-pay magazine subscription. This middle man company pays for the magazines ahead of time. SO now I am stuck with this useless payment of magazines that noone reads. I don't want to make the payment becuase in order for funeral expenses to be paid, we need to cut costs as soon as possible. *SIGH* This is so hard.

Does it ever get easier?

The last few days have been hard. I can't seem to contain my sadness and cry at the drop of a hat. I see a baby I cry, I see a pregnant woman I cry, I see baby clothes I cry. I see my children and I cry because they won't get to lay with their brother. *SIGH* Life is so hard and then you add the loss of your child and it's even harder. My sister explains things to be like she would a child, I need hearing the child analogies because it's easier to comprehend. She said that you found out your baby has passed, you have to give birth to him, you have his funeral and you also have postpartum depression. She said hello, you will cry and get angry. Right now I feel as though I'm in a black hole that I just can't get out of. My happiness has been drained. I don't laugh, I don't smile I don't joke around. It's so hard to feel this way knowing how I was before Tred passed away.

My sister and I went to a tatoo parlor. I have been wanting a tatto of the kids for years I've just never set anything up. I was so impressed with the free hand drawing and am so excited about the tatoo. It was more than I was wanting. I wanted rose buds with the childrens names spelled in the stem. The tatoo artist said that it would look messy so he drew rosebuds and a banner with their names. It was beautiful. I wanted Tred's name and birth/death date on wings. He drew a full bloom rose with wings and Tred's name and birth/death date as the top of the tatoo. I just about started to cry. It was beautiful. It will take 4 hours and of course it's expensive. but well worth it. Greg wasn't even shocked by the money once he saw how amazing the tatoo was. We are all lookig forward to September when the tatoo gets done. One highlight is I get all of my children's names on me forever!!!

Tred's Funeral

Tred's funeral was on June 9th at 3:00. We got to the cemetary at 2:30 our families were already their. We pulled into the one of many driveways and met with the funeral home. He was talk and all I heard was Tred's in the backseat. As soon as I heard that I broke down. He will never be in my backseat but he's in their backseat. After a few hugs and crying and waiting for the preist, we all started our line of cars to the gravesite. Greg had given our camera to our Sister-in-law to take pictures. We of course wanted as many pictures as possible to remember Tred and his service. Greg the kids and I got out of the van and the priest immediatly came up to us and offered his sorrow for our loss. I again broke down. After a few minutes to catch ourelves, Greg picked Tred's casket out of the funeral homes truck. It was so small but beautiful. I again broke down. I could't contain myself at that point watching Greg walk Tred's casket to his resting spot. The service began and Greg and I just cried the whole time. Neither of us were really watching the children becuase we thought they would talk to family members. The priest has finished his prayers came to us to again offer his condolences. I was fixed on Tred's casket and really didn't pay attention to our surroundings. Greg looked at the kids and P was in tears. He told me and I grabbed her and we huged for about 10 minutes but it felt like forever. I wanted to badly to take away her sadness but we were all feeling sad. We all went back to the van and P was still crying. E has said in a sad voice "I want my brother back". Again we all broke down and started crying. B, P, E, Greg and myself were just heartbroken. We all wanted our little boy back. My sister came over to me and hugged me and we cried together. She has had a few early losses as well and with Tred passing, I'm sure brought her feelings of loss back to the forefront. I am so greatful that I have my sister to lean on. She has been my rock. She calls daily to check up on us and she's their when I just need someone to vent to. She doesn't add her two-cents, she just listens. She is just wonderful and I will be forever greatful that I have her in my life. We came home after the funeral and have a nice lunchon that my sister put togther. All family members brought something, which is great since Greg and I haven't had any energy to cook. The engergy we have is spent mourning our loss of Tred and making it as easy as we can for the children. Greg and kids and I talked about something to do to keep Tred's spirit alive. We all decided to make a garden. No tree's just flowers. This gives the kids a chance to be a part of his life and make him as important as they are. We will plant flowers every year. We decided on flowers so if we ever plan to move, our garden can come with us. We are in the process of designing and making the garden look beautiful.

From the beginning

I will start from the beginning. Greg and I have 3 children and had only planned on having 2. While we were dating in Highschool we had always talked about having a boy and then a girl and then we would be done having children. We had our boy and then we had our girl. Greg and I didn't want to make any medical decision about not having anymore children. A few years went by and low and behold, I was pregnant. I was on the pill and got pregnant. We were in complete shock. I had been on the pill and it always worked. We were so happy to be adding to the family even if it wasn't planned. Another few years went by and Holy Crap, we are pregnant again. Another unplanned pregnancy but we were again excited to add another person to our family.

As the months went on we had to wait to go to the dr. because we were between insurances. I found out I was pregant after both Greg and I thought it had been a while since I had my AF. I am a very moody person and had been diagnosed as having PMDD so that moodiness wasn't their. I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. I called DH at work and said "Are you sitting down". I told him "We're pregnant". He couldn't belive it. We again weren't trying and it happened. He was excited and scared as I was. I went to a local no pay pregnancy place and they confirmed I was pregnant. I started prenatal vitamins and went online to see what foods I wasn't able to eat.

As time went on we slowly started to tell friends and family that we were having a 4th. Holy buckets, I was going to have another baby. I went on ebay and craigslist to find maternity clothes, baby clothes and then of course I was determined to breastfeed. I went online and was looking at cover-ups. I found a beautiful green one that was for both boys and girls. DH and I decided this would be our last baby, 4 children was a great number. I got rid of everything after we had E.

I had my first appointment with a Nurse practitioner. I switched OBGYN's because of the drive time. It choose an OBGYN that was closer to our home. My appt. was on Tuesday April 8th at 9:30am. Our new insurance was in effect and by my LMP I was already 3 months pregnant. Everything was going great. On Wednesday April 23rd I found out I was exposed to Fifths disease (parvovirus). I was in a panic, but my sister and husband thought things were fine. I was exposed to it before and once you've caught it, you can't get it again. I called my OB and they wanted me to come in and have labwork done. I wasn't able to do it during the day becuase of my work. Well that night I went to my general practitioner's office to have lab work done becuase of my time issues. I had to wait a few days for the results but on Saturday I already knew what they were. I had developed the rash that is consistant with Fifths disease. I got my lab results back on Monday and my OB decided it would be beneficial to see a high risk OB to have ultrasounds done to make sure our baby didn't catch the virus.

My next OB visit was on Tuesday May 6th and I saw a dr. this time. She was so nice and very informative. She said that when I go to the highrisk dr. that they would keep her uptodate as to what the ultrasound results are. My First Ultrasound was on May 18. I took a shower around 11:30 becuase I couldn't sleep. I got out of the shower and I was bleeding. I was admitted to L&D and they did an ultrasound and everything was fine. They had no idea why I was bleeding and since it stopped they send me home. We also found out we were having a boy. DH was so excited that he already had a named picked out. He told me the name and I was all for it. It was an unusual name but not too far off the wall. All of our children have unique names. Also we thought our srteak was pretty funny. All of the boys were unplanned pregnancies. We were pretty sure that we were having a boy for that reason and the ultrasound confirmed it. I also bought tons of clothing online for a boy. I have newborn to 24 month clothes. Roughly 2 bags for each age group. I was set for clothing.

I had my first highrisk ultrasound on Tuesday May 20th. Everything was fine but they wanted me to come in every week to keep an eye on the baby. The dr.s main concern was to keep an eye on anemia developing in our baby boy. I was scheduled to have another ultrasound on Tuesday April 27th but it my oldest sons field trip and I wanted to go along with him. We reschedule the ultrasound for Wednesday May 28th. The ultrasound revealed our worst fear, he was anemic. He had fluid in his abdomen (ascities) as well as small amounts of fluid around his heart. They rescheduled me for an ultrasound on Thursday April 29th to see if things were getting worse. The next day came by pretty fast and we had the ultrasound and it was for certain, it was worse. The fluid in the abdomen had gotten worse. It was also getting worse around his heart and now their were signs in his head and neck. We were scheduled for a blood transfusion. It wasn't me having the transfusion, it was our little boy. He was so small and his gestational age was 20 weeks and 4 days. The dr.s were very certain that he would be fine after the transfusion with a and we would have a follow-up ultrasound on Monday June 2nd if things looked better. If they didn't look better we would have another trnasfusion on Tuesday June 3rd.

We went into the office on Friday May 30th at 2:00 to have the transfusion. I was crying out of fear for our baby. The dr.s had to use the ultrasound machine to see where the baby was. He was so small they decided to fill the abdomen with the transfusion and then on Tuesday if he needed another transfusion they would go through the umbilical cord. His umbilical cord was so small that they wanted to wait a week to see if the umbilical cord got a bit bigger. The dr stuck the needle in my belly, through my uterus and into the amniotic fluid. Our baby boy moved so they had to take the needle out and try again. The second attempt was great. They did it all and the needle was in our baby's belly and filling the ascites (fluid filled abdomen) with blood. It worked, we were one day closer to saving our baby. I was told to take it easy all weekend and not lift anything over 5 lbs. I rested as much as I could being we have 3 active children.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound on Monday June 2nd at 3:45 to check and see if the ascites had gotten worse of if the transfusion worked. This day will be in my memory forever. Greg was working so we thought it was fine for me to go to the ultrasound because our baby would be fine. I walked in, layed down and got ready for the ultrasound. She started and I knew immediatly, their was no heartbeat. She swept around my belly and then delivered the devestating news. I'm sorry your baby has passed. I need to get the dr. and do a few more scans. She handed me some tissue and then left to tell the dr. She came back in to me in tears. She said she was sorry and rubbed my arm before she had to continue the ulrasound. They had to have in their paperwork that their was no heartbeat. She said she was goig to have the dr. and nurse come in to talk to me. She left the room and I just broke down staring at the tv screen. HOW COUD THIS HAPPEN TO US. I was a wreck. I sat in the chair thinking I was in a dream. I just heard his heartbeat on Friday, how could this be happening to us.

The dr. that did the transfusion, the nurse, the ultrasound tech and another dr. came in to offer their condolenses and help me through the news that I just received. They asked if I wanted to stay or to leave. I wanted to call Greg before I did anything. I called him hysterical. He asked what was wrong and I told him, "he died". We were both silent and then he said "WHAT", and I broke down. I said that he had died and that their wasn't a heartbeat. We talked for a bit and we decided that is was best for Greg to go on with the night becuase B had baseball. I left the office with some pregnancy loss paper work and when I got to my van, I called my sister and just cried. She was so great and said she was sorry and asked if we needed help with getting the kids to their sports. I told her that I would, but not today. I called my mom and we both cried on the phone. Greg's mom was watching the children and I just didn't want to see her or anyone for that matter. I got home and right away Greg ran out to me and we stood their and hugged and cried. We told the kids and it didn't really set in for them right away. They weren't sure what to say or do but I really didn't expect them to know. This is not something a child or anyone should have to go through.

I called the dr. the next day to see what to do next. I was given the option to let my body go into labor on it's own or to be induced. I choose to be induced. I couldn't even imagine going into labor and have physical pain on top of the emotional pain I was feeling. The dr.'s office scheduled me to come in to their office on Wednesday to start the process of delivering our baby boy.

I went to the dr. on Wednesday June 4th at 2:oo to have Dilateria, a laminaria by product, put into my cervix to help soften it to get it ready for labor. It was painful. One thing I didn't want is pain. I already had enough pain that started when we found out our baby boy was gone. I had some slight cramping so I pretty much stayed in bed the rest of the night. We were scheduled for our induction at the hospital at 8:00 Thursday morning.

I went to the hospital the next day to be induced. We were told to be at the labor and delivery department at 8:00. We got their at 7:30 because traffic was lighter than we had planned. The nurse came and got us at about 8:45 and nothing was started until 10. We had to walk past the nursery which was so hard knowing I wasn't going to have our baby in that area. at 10:00 they put some pills near my cervix to help it dialiate. Every 4 hours they had to repeat this. I wasn't sure what time it was but the contractions and back pain started and I asked for an epidural. I wanted this to go as painlesss as possible. After 8 failed attempts at sticking that damn needle in my back, the 9th time was a charm. It was working, the pain was gone. I could still feel a bit of feeling in my feet and I could move my legs but the back pain was gone.

At about 11:00 I could feel some pressure. The dr. came in and said the pressure was my bag of water. She broke my water and said we could either push him out or let my body do the pushing. I looked at Greg and said "what do I do". I really didn't know what to do. I wasn't ready for this to happen. I wasn't ready. Greg really wasn't ready to make the decision either so I said I would push him out. It took 2 pushes and Tred Paul was born still at 11:11 pm. He was 12 oz. and 9 1/2 inches long. The nurse asked if I wanted to see Tred and I said yes. They didn't have to clean him up as he looked wonderful. The dr. said she would come back later and check on the placenta and the nurse left as well. Greg was very emotional and had a hard time talking. He was crying like I have never seen before and that just made me hurt. I felt a of peace for Tred but was very angry that he was gone. He was just beautiful. He had so many features that we saw in the other children. We had the Hospital Chaplain come in and bless him and the Chaplain talked with us for a while and she prayed for us to get our faith back becuase of my anger towards God. The next day we had pictures taken from Now I Lay me Down to Sleep. The photographer was wonderful. She was so respectful of us and our little boy.

We didn't sleep at all. We took catnaps but not a good sleep. I was afraid that if I didn't look at him constantly, I would forget what he looks like. If I wasn't holding him I was looking at him. The next day at 3:30 we were as ready as we could have been to leave. I had such a hard time leaving without out baby. We were leaving the room and I kissed Tred on the forehead and said I love you as we walked out of the room. The nurse, that had taken care of me while I was in labor and when I delivered Tred, was starting her shift for the day and asked if she could give me a hug on our way out. She is a wonderful lady and was so good to us knowing what was going to happen.

We came home and my sister was watching the other children. She was just great. We walked in and she had done everything. She stayed for about 10 minutes looking at Tred's pictures and then left so we could have some time with the children. I explained what happened and showed them pictures. They thought he was so cute and talked about stuff to do for him. I pretty much spent the next few days in bed trying to figure out what to do with myself. I eventually got out of bed and stayed around home. I just wanted to hide.

We are all still trying to heal and I still am angry with God for what happened. How could such a simple virus end our baby's life. I may in time forgive God but for now I am just angry that he would want our family to be so sad.

I'm just exhausted

P wanted to go for a walk today so we took the big dogs and she E and I went for a walk. It was nice to get out but still felt as though everyone was looking at me. We got home and the neighbors asked how I was. I couldn't lie, I said I feel like shit. I do. I don't do anything for myself, I have to almost leave myself notes to brush my teeth and take a shower. I've given up on my happiness and have not put more effort into the kids and them being happy. A person that I know is pregnant and is due 2 weeks after I was. We talked and I asked her if she found out the sex of her baby. She said she was having a boy. I had a feeling she was going to have a boy and it just cut through my heart. I envisioned the future and my little guy wasn't a part of it. I held it together until I went in the house and I just broke down. I am very happy for her I'm just more sad for us. I still question WHY. I just want an answer as to why Tred won't be able to grow-up and play with us or is brothers and sisters. I worry about the impact his death is on the children. P doesn't want to talk about him, E talks about him all the time and B somehow feels he's the reason he passed away. I am now trying to deal with my sadness and on top of it I have to figure out a way to make the kids feel just as important as our little Tred.

Today will be a week

Today is a week since we had our little angel. Greg and I are trying to cope with being parents and grieving the lost of our little Tred. Greg is taking this hard but is trying to hide it from me but I know him too well. He is hurting that his friends have not reached out to him. He wants the world to know how beautiful our little boy was but has nobody to talk with about it. I hope he can join a support group. We both need outlets.

It's so hard

I've been trying hard not to be so sad but it just won't go away. I find I am robbing my children of their happiness. Today was hard. I find that when I am not doing anything that I tend to think of our little boy and get mad and angry at the fact that he isn't going to be with us. It hurts to know that we won't be able to see him crawl, walk, babble. It's just so hard to not be so sad. I saw a wonderful announcement in a yard "IT'S A BOY". What a wonderful event for that family but it is so hard to see. Our little boy doesn't get that. I just keep asking myself WHY?? I just don't understand.

Not a good day

Today we came home from the hospital from having our baby. We had a boy on June 5th and named him Tred Paul. We were able to spend time with him from 11:11pm to 3:45pm. It was very hard leaving him and I'm sure much harder when we have his funeral service. I hope both Greg and I can make it through this.

My First Post

I am starting this post to help deal with our family's loss. We lost a baby and I need to help myself heal by getting it out. This will be the first of many to elp our family in the healing process. We found out Monday June 2, 2008 that we lost our little boy who was supposed to be born October 13, 2008. He was 20 weeks and 4 days gestation when he had a transfusion. We found out my ultrasound that he had passed away on 21 weeks gestation.