Today

I don't know what happened but I have been in pain all day. My back hurts so bad that am on the verge of tears. I can hardly stand up from a sitting or lying position. If I'm standing I'm fine I just can't put any pressure on my right leg or it will hurt horribly.

I am having issues with forgetfulness. I forgot again to take my meds and all hell broke loose. I was yelling at everyone for everything. Am I going to have to be dependant on these meds always to get through a day. My gosh, I had no idea how hard this was going to be.

Yesterday we went to a b-day party for my niece and she listened to me bitch about how only a few family members are their for us. I am so confused at how family members can completely ignore us and how we are hurting. Am I being selfish to expcet Greg's brothers to be their for them since DH was their for one brother when he was having problems? My sister hasn't talked to me in ages becuase she thinks I'm sad (per my mom), well DUH!!!!. So acknoweldge me. Greg doesn't wants to just write them off but for me it's easier to not deal with them then expect them to come around.

On another note, time is getting closer for my tatto. I am getting nervous becuase I know it's going to hurt but then I know If I am still alive to deal with the pain of losing Tred, I can handle the pain of a tattoo.

Feeling sad today.

Today was one of those tough days. I just felt sad from the moment I woke up until now. I wish I could turn off that sad switch. Better yet, I'd like to just erase the pain from my body and mind. I went to my support group today and my gosh, it was so hard. I cried so much my body aches. Just remembering everything that happened and the things the kids have said just make me overwhelmed. I am hoping DH comes with me next time, it's very exhausting.

Missing you baby Tred.

Week full of updates

Well my emotions were getting the best of me and I found yet another friend that has gone through the loss of their baby. It makes me so sad that so many people I know have had a loss that is just, in my opinion, is the hardest loss someone can have. This friend, "H", and I were e-mailing back and forth and she gave me such wonderful information. She really put so many things in perspective that I knew were true, I just couln't get myself to understand them. I am so thankful to "H" for helping me understand my feelings that I ventured out in public. That's right, after 2 months of only grocery shopping at night and not going out with friends, I took the plunge and went out 2 times in 1 week and 1 time this week.

"H" has been everything to me. She has helped me get out of this slump that I'm in by giving me wonderful advice on how to start to heal. Her exact quote to me " step OUTSIDE the pain. Its easier to live in the pain than it is to step outside it and learn to live life again. It's something so simple to say and yet so hard to do." And she is so right. It's easier to live sad, unhappy and in pain becuase it hurts so bad but yes I know that I have to try and live again.

A wonderful friend (my soul sister), "K", and I had dinner and we talked and it was wonderful. It's nice to have someone to talk with that understands, but it's also sad to have someone to talk with because they understand. We talked about our losses and laughed, which I haven't done in a long time, and just were their for each other. "K" was their for me more than I was for her. right now I hope to get back on the ball and be their for her when she needs to talk as well.

"C" and I went to dinner the next night and she was wonderful. We talked about Tred and things that are going on in her life. I am very thankful to have such a good friend that hasn't had a loss that will listen to me talk about my feelings and the feelings of my family. I am very thankful for her friendship. Not many people will sit and listen when they've never been in this place.

I have an elementary school friend"R", best friend. We both went through a loss when our friend died when she was 12. We had a very hard time, but we had each other. As time went on we both had our lives go in different directions and we lost contact with each other. We then found each other on another site and have been talking on the phone ever since. She came to visit and listen and stayed for 1/2 the day. She has been wonderful.

I'm slowly getting back into life again and it's been pretty hard. I still have my days but for the most art the medication is heling with that. I am trying to not see the futuer as blek becuase Tred isn't with us but as a blessing that he was with us for the short time he was.

I had a weird thing happen the other night. I went to bed at my ususal 3:00am, I have many reasons for this that I am going to try and get fixed, who knows if that will happen. but I woke up out of a sleep and could smell baby powder. We don't have powder in or near our room and immediatly I thought is was Tred. Is that weird to think? I am hanging on to anything that is different that could possibly be a sign from Tred. I can only hope he is happy and being taken care of by my grandfathers and Greg's grandparents.

Thank you to my wonderful friends that have been their for us.

I think I spoke too soon

UUUGGGHHHH. OK I am now just an angry and mad person. Everything just pisses me off lately. I just don't want to make anyone mad but I'm sure I will. I just can't stand to hear when someone is pregnant. I get so angry and I know I shouldn't but I do. I just can't deal with my feelings today. I started crying when I told Greg I was going to go out. WHY am I crying. Well I haven't seen many people and the idea of going out in public just scares me. It may sound dumb, but it does scare me. What if I have to explain what happened to our little Tred and then their is that ackward silence or I have a melt down. I don't want to do that in public. It's a lot easier to do it at home becuase my family has seen it so many times.

I have been emotional and angry all day. I don't know if it started from something E said or if I just woke up to it. I had gotten the kids breakfast and E asked B if he was sad that Tred died. B said ya I'm sad. Then E said I'm not sad my heart is sad. I just didn't know what to say and started to tear up. How does a 3 year old know about a heart being sad. UGH. Why does my family have to deal with this or with me for that matter. Some days I just don't want to wake up and others I think I will wake up from this dream. Everything just seems so uncertain. I just want to be happy, how do I do that?

I think the meds are working

I think I had said this but just in case I didn't(I am horrible at remembering) the dr.s upped my antidepressant medication. They felt as though I needed at higher dose. Well it seems to be helping a bit. I still cry, just not as much and it's mostly at night when I'm lying in bed unable to sleep. I just have too many thoughts on "what could have been". Greg and I had a talk last night about a lot of things from his family to our family. MIL has come back into our life and we've just decided to let things be water under the bridge. Greg has opened up more than he ever has. I enjoy being able to talk to him and get the truth of how he is feeling instead of the usual "nothing is wrong" or "I'm fine".

MIL has been a huge help through all of our struggles and I am grateful that she is stepping up to be the mother we've always wanted her to be.