What a rough week.

On October 10th my little Talya would have been 6 months old. I can't believe I have had to take this milestone again with tears of sorry instead of tears of joy. I just keep thinking about what could have been. Payton would have her sister that she so desperately wants (she asked for a sister for her birthday this year). When I look at her pictures I just don't understand the reasoning in why she had to die. The Whys will never stop for me, I just hurt so badly in my heart. I want to hold her, kiss her pouty lips, stroke her hair on my cheek. The song "one more day" keeps going around and around in my head.

Today is also another hard day. A year ago today was supposed to be Tred's due date. Again the what could have beens keep swirling in my head. Why did he have to catch something that I was exposed to so many years ago and never caught. Instead I catch it while I'm pregnant and he gets sick and dies. It just makes me so angry that my poor child is gone and my other one had to deal with the stress of feeling as though it was his fault.

I look at all of my children and see such beautiful wonderful people that have had to deal with so much sadness in their short lives. I hear people complain that their children are horrible and yes mine have been not so nice at times as well and I just think of how wonderful it would feel to tell Tred or Talya, the dreaded words "NO" or tell someone they are driving me crazy. I never want to take my children for granted for they are my everyday miracles. I have time with all of them and as mad as they make me, I am so proud to be their mom and hope they feel the same about me.

I am so thankful that I was able to hold, touch, caress, and see every part of my beautiful babies but can only wish I could turn back time to have them with me. Not many people get to hold such beautiful angels but I got to hold 2 and I'm sure they are making a ruckus in heaven becuase that's what my children do and I love them for being that way.

I lied

I lied. I had all intentions of working on the announcements but didn't. I decided to start something that couldn't be interrupted - Laundry. Yes it could be interrupted but it was just another excuse. UUUGGGHHHH. Why do I make it so hard. I am doing myself no justice just sitting on them and stopping the inevitable. I sit here looking at her picture and she is just beautiful and the thank-you cards have both Tred and Talya on them. We didn't do announcements for Tred because it was so new and we didn't know what to do and now I feel like we are pros at it, which doesn't feel good at all. Anyway, I have everything on the counter looking at me so I am going to dig in and get it done. I need to do this for her and for myself.

Still haven't finished announcements

OK. I made Talya's birth announcements and I still haven't sent them out or thank-you's. I am so afraid to finish these as these will be the last thing I need to do to tie me to doing something for her. I sit and look at the announcements and invitations and I just can't get myself to do them. I don't want anyone else to do them either. This is my job, it's just a hard job. I am hoping I can do a few of them this week, but of course their are no guarantees.

Up Late

Up late again. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to sleep normal.

Just babbling

Well I had gotten my results back from the dr. and I am a "colonized" meaning I am a GBS carrier. The bacteria will come and go and if (a big if) I get pregnant I will need to be on antibiotics the entire pregnancy, this can raise other issues as well. I also test positive for high levels of homocysteine which can cause clotting problems so again if I get pregnant I will have to be on baby asprin and Lovenox, which is a shot. So "if" I get pregnant again I will need to be monitored (per my dr) monitored like a hawk. I don't know if I could ever do this again. My gosh, I would love to have another baby but I don't know if I could do it to this extent and my fear, depression and anxiety would be through the roof.

On another note, I sent the kids off to Camp Erin over the weekend and they loved it. B was not looking forward to it until we pulled in and he saw everything that he would be able to do. P was excited but anxious. She felt sick a few times but thankfully she never got sick. They had a meeting to tell the parents that the kids would be crabby from lack of sleep and talking about their grief. They were not kidding. I have never seen my daughter so angry in my life. She threw so many tempertantrums and said a few things that made me cry. I was so sad at some of the things she said that it hurt to even talk to her. I know she has a bad temper but to say what she said was just so upsetting. We were in the car and she was fighting with her brothers (totally normal). When Greg and I told them to stop fighting and to keep their hands to themselves, she went crazy. She was screaming, yelling and said she doesn't care about anyone, even Tred and Talya. I just burst out in tears, I was (and still am) sad that she would say this.

Anyway, I am having one of those weekends, missing the kids when they went to cam and have them coming back in a bad mood just makes things sad.

WTF is wrong with me.

I am so angry at myself. I was goig through some papers to send to my new GYN and I was getting the others ready to put in the kids baby books, which by the way sucks. I went downstairs to get the books and 1 is missing. I can't find Tred's book. I know it was there, where else could it be. Why where their 4 books and 1 missing. I have no idea where it is and now can't sleep becuase I can't find it. I've been crying for a hour and just have no idea where it is. I wrote things in their that I knew I would forget and all of his paperwork from the cemetary and funeral home and now I have nothing. Please pray that I find it.

****UPDATE****
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I found Tred's baby book. It was put into one of the containers that was holding pictures. Thank you Again!!!

Long Night

I don't know why I started but I did. I got things together to give back to their original owners. It was so hard because I had things I purchased and made for Talya and wasn't going to use any of them. I cried and cried and DH said you don't have to do this and I said it's got to get done at some point so I might as well finish. We both sad hugging each other and cried. I opened a bag of things that we had from the hospital and I could still smell her in the hat she had on, but put the things back in the bag to seal in her smell. UUUGGGHHH. Why can't this just be easy. I don't understand and never will why we have to go through this.

I also got some results back from my dr. office. I changed OB/GYN's after Talya passed away because I didn't feel comfortable at my dr. anymore. Well my new (she wasn't totally new, I had her when I delivered E) GYN decided to do some blood work and check for the bacteria infection again. Well becuase of the clots that I had 2 days before I delivered Talya as well as the day she passed away, she wanted to check on some blood clotting disorders. Well needless to say, I have a bacterial infection AGAIN!!!!. I am on antibiotics now and am hoping this may explain my being tired. I also got the results back on my homocysteine levels and they are high. This is one of the genetic blood test result so I will be going back in for some genetic testing and I'm sure some diet changes and more medication to make sure things go back to normal.

UGH, what a week I feel physically and mentally drained.