Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Took some time off

I have taken some time off from blogging becuase I made some changes in my life. I am going back to school becuase the silence of sitting at home doing the same thing day after day, has just been too much. The time I have while E is at school just makes me sad. He may very well be our last child to enter school and it just hurts. I so badly want a baby, not to replace Tred or Talya, but because that is what I was supposed to be doing right now.

I really hate being in that bad feeling place. I am not a fun person to be around. My emotions turn at the drop of a hat. I have a horrible memory and just feel as though I am doing my living children no justice. My children are more responsible than their mother, that's just not right. I can't sleep at night, and when I get to sleep I have nighmares and when it's time to wake up I can't get myself up. I am afraid of those damn sleeping pills so I just don't take them.

Again, back to the school thing. I started school again to keep my self overly busy. For the most part I am doing well. I've gotten a few good responses on my papers but it still doesn't seem like I've done good enough. I've also started dieting and have lost 5lbs to-date and it's not even exiciting. I have lost myself as a person in losing my children. I was hoping that at some point I would get my happiness back but I just haven't. I put on a front for people becuase I have to. I don't like to seem weak or that I can't handle things but in actuality, I can't. I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to do in life.

*SIGH* No need to come to my pity party. This is just my life now.


10 comments:

Annie said...

Can I come to your pity party? What a sad post, and especially so because I'm with you in the very same place...not fun to be around, emotions turn at the drop of a hat, horrible memory, not doing the living children justice, putting up a front but not really handling it all, etc. It's a horrible place to be.

Marie said...

Hi Angie, I discovered your blog about a week ago and found myself going back to read your whole story. I can't get my head around what happened to you, how could such a thing happened. I'm so sorry. I admire your honesty and thankyou for sharing your story and putting things in perspective for the rest of us. I wish you the best.

Kelly said...

Hi Angie,
i haven't looked at your blog in a while. I am so glad I thought I would face some tears and look at blogs today! I know how you feel. I think though, that if you asked your kids and husband, they would report that you are better than you think you are. I think because you feel the pain and misery, it seems like it's on your sleeve. Luckily, only a drop of it's there, and our kids are at the self-centered part of development, so they don't notice all our shortcomings!
For me your blog is strengthening, because every day is hard for me too. I don't like it when blogs show how faithful and happy the moms are! this is the ugly part about loss- it's what makes the "grieving" part of grief. It's why this is a harder trial to bear than a lot of people's. thank you for your honesty. I hope I will get more honet with my own blog. Family members tend to get mad at me for my thoughts. I am slowly turning to a recluse with them because there just isn't understanding there. I'm so thankful the Lord didn't put me here alone, that you are here too. We are in a mission, and we will get through it and see our babies again and be so proud of all of us when it's over!
Oh - also wanted to tell you that my mother in law died too - weird. She died on October 26, about 3 1/2 months after my second baby. I too am glad she's with them. But I wonder when this season of death will pass our family. It's so weird that we share that.

Kristy said...

Welcome back, I took a break too as the holidays were just too hard on me. I am glad you are able to focus more on you with going back to school. Taking care of your mind and your body are both wonderful things, and I hope in time you start to feel better about yourself. You'll get there, but lean on me/us when you need to. *hugs*

Tears in November said...

Can I come to the pity party, too? It's like you are speaking for me. I so get it, I so, so get it. I'm there. Thank you for voicing this.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Angie, thank you for your kind words on my blog For Your Tears.
I would love to send you a handkerchief. I am so sorry for your loss. I would like to read more about your babies if you could direct me to the posts. I will pray for your comfort and strength. My heart is heavy with your sorrow. Please send me your full name and address so I can put that in the mail to you.
dpucci9972@gmail.com

Take care and God Bless. Debby

Kerry Elizabeth Willberg said...

Hi Angie,

I've been thinking of you wondering how you are doing.
I can relate and appreciate your honesty. It's so good that you are able to write about it and get it off your chest. I think that you must be a fantastic Mom, I can feel your heart from your writing and the love that it has. I am sure your kids and husband can feel that and appreciate it too.

Alicia said...

Hi Angie, I understand the pity party. My sweet Jeremiah died 5 years ago and there are some days where something will make me cry for him. I have a shelf in my bedroom dedicated to him. I have 4 living children and there are a lot of times they ask me why I am sad. There are times they ask about him. My son so desperately wants a brother. He does not understand why his only brother is up in heaven. It is very sad. (He may have others, but the miscarrages were before I found out what the sex was). Anyway, I am trying to figure out how to put my thoughts to my blog, so there will be pictures up soon of him and his birth story.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Got your email. You are very welcome. Take care & God Bless.

Lisa and Jonathan said...

Hello, It is Lisa from Jasper, Forever our first born. I wanted to let
you know that I wrote your angels name and took some pictures and wanted
to give them to you. I am doing this for all the angels on the blogs that
I follow. Here is the link. I hope you like them.
http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/2010/02/talya-and-tred.html