It's been a long time.......too long, shame on me!

Long time no speak. I have been very busy with work and I decided to take take on more to keep myself busy. A busy Angie means that I am not crying and thinking what could have been. I still do both, but not as long or as often. I still miss both Tred and Talya every day and get sad knowing I am not having more. My living children are getting older and they keep Tred and Talya's memory alive. I am so proud of my living children for being such wonderful people and thinking of their brother and sister as they too hurt that they are not here with us on earth. We do a memorial walk every year for the babies. B's football schedule has him playing games at the same time as the walk. He made a hard decision and choose to play in the football game but wore his memorial walk shirt and a blue sock on one foot and a pink sock on the other foot in memory of his siblings. I am beyond proud of him!!!!! I had a huge accomplishment this weekend. I held a baby for the first time, not a newborn but she was under a year and yes a girl. I have not held a baby since Talya passed away. This has been horrifically hard and thankfully I managed. I also went to church for a wedding, the church is the same church that officiated at Tred and Talya's funeral. This was hard!!!!!!!!! I have never felt so out of place at a place I shouldn't feel out of place. I did survive, but cried a bit thankfully it was a wedding and my tears were camouflaged as tears of joy!!! I am at a place that I am OK talking about the babies but it is still something that doesn't come up until I've talked with someone for a while. My babies are precious and I am very protective of their stories. A close friend that I can sincerely say is a best friend made the most amazingly beautiful pendant of Talya's foot. This friend was with me after I had Talya. She stayed at the hospital with us for my sanity as well as Greg's. I will forever be indebted to her for giving me the gift of sharing Talya's short life with me. I love her to pieces!!!! I am still looking for things to to in memory of the babies but am having a hard time. I really need to set time aside and sew and croquet blankets to give to hospitals in memory of the babies, however it's till hard to do this all at one time. I have been doing things piece by pieces and I am still going to make a run at it so hopefully this will happen!

Happy Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby girl. I miss you beyond measure. My heart hurts for you and my eyes cry for you everyday! I LOVE you and miss you terribly!

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It's been a while since I've been here. I have been busy, which has been a good thing in some ways. I've popped on to see other blogs and of course I'm sad. So many people are having babies and ending their blogging because they have reached their wonderful goal........a baby. I on the other hand have not reached my goal and probably never will. DH is still not wanting another child so my fate is sealed and I am resting it. I am so hurt that it seems like it's his way or no way. I so badly want another baby but because he doesn't I don't get to have another one. It's not fair.

I know we have been through a lot and I don't know if my need or want to have a baby is a real need or want or if it's me wanting to show my body I can still have a baby no matter what it thinks. The last idea makes me think of my face sticking its tongue out at my body. BLAH. Why is life so hard. I just don't get things and right now am living day-by-day.

My sadness has gotten less but my resentment at other people has gotten worse. I am constantly thinking its not fair for others to keep having babies while mine were taken away. I still have thought that I was a bad mom, that's why the babies were taken from me and I have many irrational thoughts about their death. I am still having the same dream of having them so to alleviate the sadness I stay wake until I can't keep my eyes open and then I go to bed with no dreams. I then wake up to being groggy and feel terrible because I am so tired. UUUGGGHHHH. I thought this was supposed to get better

Again I have to say the sadness has gotten better but not the lost and empty feeling. I am the life of the party, always laughing and making others laugh. I am always smiling and making other smile. I am always "normal" around other people. This is definitely not how I feel inside. I am so broken that I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing I can say is that I am a mom to 5 children. My memory has ran away. I have to leave myself notes in order to remember things. I block out so much that I forget pretty much everything. I don't know how to get past that. It's pretty bad, I keep forgetting appointments and even punching in at work. I will have to call the dr. soon to see if their is something I can do about it.

Anyway, sob, sob for me, I just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive and kicking and struggling with life. I am still constantly thinking of all my baby loss mommies and the struggles they must be having.

Lots of love,

Apologies

I want to say sorry to everyone. I haven't been able to get on-line becuase my computer hasn't been working. Well we got it working, not the best, but we have internet access. I hope I will be able to get on-line now and use this blog to get my feelings out instead of letting them fester with my fake happiness so people won't know I'm hurting.

Sorry......no wait, I'm not sorry.

I have been trying hard to get on-line to post but it is just too hard lately.  I am working and trying to keep my mind occupied.  It's been working for the most part but I am now back to staying up late.  I have been having dreams again horrible nightmares and when they aren't nightmares they are dreams of giving birth to T & T again.  I find myself lucky to have given birth to them and having them a part of my life, it just hurts to keep reliving the births.  It's such a draining feeling waking up again to no babies.  The dream starts out wonderful and then my babies dye again!  It's so hard to explain the feelings I feel.  It feels great to be pregnant with them but so hard because they die.........again.

I am sorry that I haven't been on-line much but it's been hard.  Wait I don't need to apologize, I have the right to feel how I feel.  It's been hard.  I keep seeing and hearing so many people that are pregnant and it just puts me back to that place when I was happy being pregnant with the babies.  I loved being pregnant.  I just loved being pregnant, it was such a wonderful feeling.  I no longer feel that way.  Being pregnant is just scary to me.  I would love to have another baby but I just don't think that is going to happen.  I just don't know if I could ever do that again.

So many things have been happening of late it has just stirred up so many feelings that I just feel alone again. Greg and I have a very odd sense of humor since the babies have died.  We really need to make ourselves laugh somehow but not everyone sees it the same.  Some people think we are shoving the babies death in their faces as well as others and all I have to say is.....SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I live with the physical and emotional feelings of my babies death.  You have never had to give birth to a baby that has died, you have never had to bury your child or for that matter children.  I feel I am able to do what I want and say what I want with regard to my T & T.  If you don't like it, too bad.  This is my way of being able to parent them and if that's how I want to parent them that's how it's going to happen.

AAAAHHHHH, I feel a bit better now that I have gotten that out.

Many Hugs and Kisses Tred and Talya!!!!!!
I love your beautiful faces every day!

I'm just sad

I ended up going to the dr. and they had to up my meds.  I hate that I need to depend on medication to feel happy.  I feel even worse that my poor kids have to deal with me.  I love all my kids so much and miss them when I don't see them.  I got a new job and have been sad at the fact that I am not able to be home when they get home.  I miss tht time I have with them before they have their sports.  I miss everything.  I had to leave work yesterday becuase I was sick and I am sick again today and have not stopped crying.  I hate being alone here at home and hate that my little guy is going to day care, I just hate it.   I miss them when they are at school, I miss them always.  I wish I had more friends, I wish I could spend more time with my husband.  I just am so sad.

Liar, Liar pants on fire.....

Yep that's me..........a liar. I didn't get to my appointment. I had to reschedule due to the wrong time. Was it on purpose or accident. I really don't know which it was. I had a certain time stuck in my head and it was in the afternoon. The actual appointment was in the morning and I completely missed it. Did I feel bad that I missed it no, I was just pissed that I had to go there again. WTF was/is my problem. Hey Angie, show up to a room full of pregos just to reschedule your appointment and show up to a room full of pregos again! Anyway so here I go again, I have an appointment set up for this week which should have been done 6 months ago.

On a different subject. Why does is the old saying, when it rains it pours always happen to us. Well in the last 3 months my dog has had to have surgery 2 times. He has had an abscess in 2 different areas on his body, this is not a cheap surgery and to have it happen 2 times is really putting everything in jeopardy.

I am looking for work but there is something different. Before the babies passed, I was able to land any job. Now its just not happening. It feels as though I have a sign on my head that says "you don't want to hire her, she had 2 babies die, she's an emotional wreck at times, and her memory is crap". My zest for fun in life is gone and it seems to show to everyone. I hope something happens soon, things need to turn around at some point doesn't it???

Back to the babies, I had a huge melt down the other day. I have no idea why, but just looking at Talya's picture just made me break down. I am still struggling with the WHY. How do you get over that question? I know their is no answer but the perfectionist in me wants one and I don't want be let go until I have one. Actually I refuse to let go of the WHY question. Since the babies have passed away, I feel the need to mother them. I need to protect them. I need to keep their memory alive. I need to continue to ask WHY so I am able to mother them. Excuse me, but FUCK. How do you fix that. I know it's not healthy but I feel I need to do it. I feel they deserve the right to know as well. Why did they pass away before their parents. The questions without answers are the hardest part.

Could the continued black cloud over our house be around because I haven't gone back to church in over 2 years. Yep that's right 2 years. I am still having a hard time with forgiving. This isn't how things are supposed to go with our family. Bad things just keep happening and it isn't fun. I just wonder if the bad things are happening to punish us for not going to church. Of course others will say no but then why? There I go again, wanting an answer. *SIGH* I better stop before my head explodes.