Thursday, February 9, 2012

It's been a while since I've been here. I have been busy, which has been a good thing in some ways. I've popped on to see other blogs and of course I'm sad. So many people are having babies and ending their blogging because they have reached their wonderful goal........a baby. I on the other hand have not reached my goal and probably never will. DH is still not wanting another child so my fate is sealed and I am resting it. I am so hurt that it seems like it's his way or no way. I so badly want another baby but because he doesn't I don't get to have another one. It's not fair.

I know we have been through a lot and I don't know if my need or want to have a baby is a real need or want or if it's me wanting to show my body I can still have a baby no matter what it thinks. The last idea makes me think of my face sticking its tongue out at my body. BLAH. Why is life so hard. I just don't get things and right now am living day-by-day.

My sadness has gotten less but my resentment at other people has gotten worse. I am constantly thinking its not fair for others to keep having babies while mine were taken away. I still have thought that I was a bad mom, that's why the babies were taken from me and I have many irrational thoughts about their death. I am still having the same dream of having them so to alleviate the sadness I stay wake until I can't keep my eyes open and then I go to bed with no dreams. I then wake up to being groggy and feel terrible because I am so tired. UUUGGGHHHH. I thought this was supposed to get better

Again I have to say the sadness has gotten better but not the lost and empty feeling. I am the life of the party, always laughing and making others laugh. I am always smiling and making other smile. I am always "normal" around other people. This is definitely not how I feel inside. I am so broken that I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing I can say is that I am a mom to 5 children. My memory has ran away. I have to leave myself notes in order to remember things. I block out so much that I forget pretty much everything. I don't know how to get past that. It's pretty bad, I keep forgetting appointments and even punching in at work. I will have to call the dr. soon to see if their is something I can do about it.

Anyway, sob, sob for me, I just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive and kicking and struggling with life. I am still constantly thinking of all my baby loss mommies and the struggles they must be having.

Lots of love,


Sarita Boyette said...

I'm so sorry for your losses & the fact that your husband doesn't want a rainbow baby. I know how important those rainbows are to the healing process. I don't know what I would have done without mine. Thinking of you and grieving along with you. It is such a long road....

Annie said...

I'm sorry you;re in such a bad place. Whoever said time heals was dead wrong in a situation such as this - time wasn't what got me out of the dark place I was in. As for your husband, is it that he doesn't want another child at all or just that he doesn't dare risk losing another? Logically, it would seem the odds are on your side, but after falling on the wrong side of the odds twice in s row, that is little comfort. For me the decision came down to this: not trying = 0% chance of getting out of hell (cuz we know time won't fix this) and trying again = ?% chance of getting out of hell. It's higher than 0 - probably a lot higher! Trying again is like jumping off a cliff knowing you could hit bottom hard, but also knowing there's a good chance you'll fly higher than you ever dreamed. I hope you can convince him. It is worth it! Wishing you anastasis (a rising up).

With Out My Punkin said...

I'm sorry :( (((((hugs))))))
I hope he changes his mind <3

Katie Hodrien said...

Jeez that really really sucks. It seems so selfish of him, even though I'm sure he's trying to protect you in a way. If it were me though I'd be trading him in for a new one!