Just when we start to feel ok.

My husbands family forgets his birthday. I mean really, how the hell do you forget a family members birthday. That is 2 birthdays in 2 months that his family has forgotten. WTF is wrong with them. I feel so sad for him, I could see it in his face that he was hoping one of them would call and say something. I have to say yes his mom and dad remembered but the others didn't. He is closer with the other than he is with his parents so I know it hurt. He even talked to the others today and not one of them said anything. Honestly what a bunch of fucking idiots.

I am so disappointed in his family. When he really needs them, they aren't their for him. Too bad you can't pick your family. I bought him an extra card just to let him know I love him. How sad to be forgotten when this past year has been a living hell for him and myself.

I am just crying and can't believe how shitty this is for him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREG!!!!

Happy birthday to my husband Greg. What a great guy he is. Through all that we have been through he is still in it for the long run with me. He's means more to me than he knows. Today I am getting Talya's name added to my tattoo. What a great husband to share his day with me and be ok with me doing something so big on his day.

I love you Greg, I hope you have a wonderful day!

*sigh* - just getting things out.

I hate these kind of nights. I see pictures of babies and families with their babies and they are so happy. I wish it was me being happy with my babies. It really brings up a new meaning of they grow up fast. I am remembering back when B, P and E were babies and I wish I would have savored the time more. I miss every little thing they did from waking up at night (that never bothered me waking up feeding and holding them) to crawling, walking and their little giggles. I wish I could have that again.

We also visited the cemetary and Talya's headstone came in. It's so nice to go to the cemetary and visit both children and have both of their names visable. I never thought visiting my babies in a cemetary would be part of our life, and whomever thought and said "life sucks" is right.

Do you find it weird to give your child a title of sort. I like to think that Tred would be a loving, caring and compassionate little boy. I think he would have been a book worm and not into sports like the other boys. I like to think that Talya would be an outspoken little girl that is a tom boy but she likes to look pretty as well. I can't help but think how similar they would be to their siblings.

*sigh* That's all for tonight, I just am having one of those nights.

Do things ever survive.

With losing 2 babies so close together I wonder if things will survive, like my marriage. Greg and I don't talk much at all. He is very distant with me and I just wonder if our marriage will survive. I've told him how I feel, I've told him that I need him to talk to me, I've pretty much told him many things and I get nothing back.

I wonder if things will work out between us.

UGH, I just hate that.

I just hate getting my "monthly friend". Just a sad reminder of what I don't have. I wish I could just have it come and not have that lingering effect of feeling sad. I know it's not a thing to throw a party about but it's something that would just come and go and it's part of life but now it's just something I hate and dread getting. BLAH.

Dream or Nighmare?

Do you ever have one of those days where it seems as though you are living a dream or a horrible nighmare. I am so glad to have met my angel babies but I am so angry that they are not with us. My living children were robbed of growing up with their sister and brother and it makes me so sad they have had to deal with the death of their brother and sister at such a young age.

I have a hard time getting to sleep becuase when I do I dream that the kids and Greg die and I'm left alone or I re live giving birth to Tred and Talya. Someday it will be a wonderful dream to relive their births but right now it just hurts more than words can say.

Somedays I just feel their is no light at the end of the tunnel, I just want to be happy again.

My records

I decided today was the day to go back to the clinics and order my files. I've decided to seek a different OBGYN. Although I feel my treatment could have been different, I just want to return to have my "stuff" looked at by my old clinic. Why did I leave them? It was more convienent for me to have someone not far away. Boy was that a stupid decision. New clinc 2 babies passed away. Well, I am going to my old clinic but at a different location which is further away. I may end up changing that one as well depending on the results of my appt. I want to make sure I get the care I want, not what they want. I am going to see my old dr. and have a consult with her about everything that I have went through and how things will go in the future. If I like what I hear I will stay, if I don't like what I hear, I will be seeking a different dr.

Which brings me to my records. I had to order them to bring with me to my appt. I went to every dr. I had appts with from MFM drs to my breast ultrasounds and mammograms and my obgyn. Well seeing these records just brings back information that I just didn't want to hear when I was face to face with the dr.s. I had to see a MFM dr. to see what a future pregnancy would contain (that is if I ever have another child). Well seeing the words "Given the maternal sepsis as well as infection of the fetal compartment and fetal organs it is unlikely that the baby would have done well even if there were no nuchal cord." Yes, they are saying if Talya was born alive, she may not have survived. That's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that a virus made baby Tred pass away and then pretty much knowing that GBS was what took Talya's life.

I will be getting the remainder of my records in the weeks to come. I don't know what I will find or what they will say but I will always cherish these papers because they are the only things I left from Tred and Talya's life.

Just Thinking

When will the why's stop. I keep running over them in my mind. WHY, WHY, WHY. Why do I feel so alone. Nomatter who I am around I just feel so alone. My poor children. Will they always remember their mom as being sad. I try I really do but it's so sad to see them questioning things that I just don't have answers for. What if in the future they choose not to have children because of their brother and sister dying. I don't want that to deter them from having children if that is something they want.

On another note, I have decided to stop talking and being around people that are selfish in my sorrow. I do have the right to be mad that someone is pregant, I do have the right to be upset that someone has a baby, I have the right to be angry and sad, but its MY RIGHT. It is nothing agaist anyone, IT'S ME. I need to work past these issues and I would greatly appreciate not being condemed or made to feel guility for losing my babies.

Noone will ever know the pain I feel unless you have been a mom that has lost her baby.

LOVING YOU TRED AND TALYA!