I am so sad and hurt that I am unable to tell people my feelings without feeling guilty. I am trying to heal this horrible aching in my heart. I've decided it may be better to just keep my feelings to myself because now all i've done is upset people with telling them how I feel. I guess the saying is true. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.
Missing you every day Tred and Talya!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Could my babies be telling me something
I love roses, yellow ones with a bit of orange or just plain yellow ones are my favorite. Well all of my rose bushes are blooming, even the ones that we thought we'd have to replace. I can only think that my babies are making the roses grow.
Large dark pink rose bush.
This pink rose bush bloomed before the dark pink above.
This is my dark pink rose that was going to get pulled out this year, low and behold it's got roses.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
UUUGGGHHHHH
This morning I was feeling fine, now I am just feeling like crap. I've been crying off and on all evening and ovbiously can't sellp. I just want to rewind time.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Talya's birth story
As I am looking back and reading posts from when I started my blog I realized that I had Tred's birth story but I never posted Talya's story. Here is her story:
Talya's brith came as a big surprise to us. We found out we were pregnant in August. We had just lost our precious Tred to stillbirth and we weren't trying to get pregnant but someone else has other plans. I conceived Talya in June, one month after Tred passed away. My pregnancy was fine and full of fear. We waited to tell people as long as we could and finally told everyone and they were probably as fearful as we were but we made it past the 21 week mark (when Tred passed away) and things were going fine.
As Talya's due date approached fear kicked in. In the last week of March I started losing my mucus plug and this was a new thing so I got nervous. I called the dr. and they said it was normal. I had weekly exams and after I had an exam the first week of April I had some spotting, the dr.s again said this was normal.
The following week was the most devestating week of our lives. I had a dr. appt. on April 8th becuase I woke up to some blood clots. I went in to the dr. and the bleeding stopped. They check my cervix and their was old blood not new. They said it again was normal. I was dialated to a 3 and 70% effaced and they said things may happen on their own (my other pregnancies were induced). The next morning on the 9th I woke again with blood clots. I called the dr. and they sent me to L & D and Talya and I were monitored for 3 hours. Her heart rate was lower than normal but it was within the normal range. She moved when I ate and the bleeding again had stopped and it was checked and it looked as though it was old blood again. I went home and no more clots or bleeding.
The next day on the 10th was the worst day of our lives (as well as Tred's passing). I awoke to more clots and a bit bigger and with that I also didn't feel Talya moving. I ate, I poked I did everything I could think of to make her move and their was nothing. My sister called and I told her I had to go to the dr. becuase I was bleeding again, I didn't want to alarm anyone so I rushed off the phone and I quick called the dr. and they called about 5 minutes later but if felt like hours and had me go to L & D again.
We got to the hospial and they looked for her hearbeat and they couldn't find it. The nurse was so nice she said that sometimes they don't find it right away becuase of the movement. I knew something was wrong. They called in another nurse and still couldn't find it so they said they would do an ultrasound, by then I new our little girl was gone. They brought in an ultrasound machine and it confirmed our worst nightmare, Our precious little girl had passed away at 38 weeks. I looked at Greg and said I couldn't do this again. We both hugged eachother and cried. Everyone left the room and left us to cry. The dr. and nurse came back in after a while and told us we were not leaving, that we were going to have her today.
We were left with the daunting task of calling our family and friends again. I called my sister Heidi first becuase I new she could do the task of calling everyone else. All I could get out is that I was at the hospital and that we didn't have a heartbeat. All she could get out was "WHAT" and then I repeated myself. She asked if I wanted her up at the hospital and I said I don't care. I was in no way able to make any decisions but she did. She came up to the hospital in what felt like 2 seconds. I am so glad that she is my bestfriend and was able to be their for me when I really needed her. Greg then called his mom (she was watching the kids) and we asked her not to tell them becuase we wanted to do that. Greg then called his brothers and told them the devestating news. Greg then called the kids and told them what happened and that we wanted them to come up to the hospital after Talya was born to say goodbye to her. My parents were also at the hospital but were in another room. When the induction started it really started.
The next few hours went by quick. I was induced and was in full labor within an hour. The contractions hurt like hell and it felt like I was going to die. At the time I really hoped for that, not only did I have to endure the pain of losing another child but I was feeling the horrible labor pains and knowing what was going to happen. I was hurting so bad and asked several times for an epidural but things went so fast that by the time I got one it was already too late. I gave birth to our baby girl without any pain meds.
I gave birth to our little girl Talya Rose on April 10th at 1:58pm. She weighted 6lbs. 11oz and was 18 3/4 inches long. She was just beautiful. She looked just like her brothers and sister expect she had dark hair. We had many visitors but I wasn't able to see many of them come in. Immediatly after having Talya I got sick. I had a horrible fever, shakes and a headache. Again at that time I was just hoping I would fall asleep and never wake up. Emotional pain and physical pain just suck but having them at the same time is just unbearable.
I was lucky enought to have Heidi call some friends to let everyone know what happened and was very greatful for Heidi doing this. I was way too sick to make any calls and I don't even know if I could call anyone. After family and friends came to visit it was time to sleep, or dose off. I really didn't sleep I wanted to spend as much time with my girl as I could. Greg wen't home so he could get some sleep, but I found out later that he didn't sleep much either. The kids spent the night at Heidi's and Greg was alone. I was scared that he was alone becuase he had such a hard time with Tred passing that I was afraid he my drink himself to nothing. He did have a few drinks and was able to dose off through the night. My friend LeaAnna and Renee came to visit me at night and LeaAnna stayed the night with me. I am so thakful for those friends that are able to comfort me (I like to act tough and put up walls).
Our nurse had come in at night and did Talya's feet and hand prints and I was able to wash the ink off. What a great and horrible feeling that that I was able to give her, her first and last cleaning. The nurse had asked if I wanted a bassinet to put her in so I could sleep and I never answered her. I didn't want to put her in a bassinet, I wanted to hold her and rock her and just have her near me. I held her all night and was able to do so until the next day.
The next day I was going to be going home and we had to say goodby to our baby. I was dreading this time as I knew it would be hard. I took a shower as Greg sat on the bed and said his goodbyes. I got out of the shower and heard voices so I just finished getting dressed. I came out and Greg said I couldn't leave because I had a blood infection. So again I was at the hospital for another day. We said our goodbyes to Talya and they took her away. It was so hard to say goodbye again.
The only thing that was keeping us together was B, P and E and knowing that Talya would be in heaven with her big brother Tred. This has been a horrible year for our family and we can only hope that their is a reason to have 2 babies pass away in 10 months.
Talya's brith came as a big surprise to us. We found out we were pregnant in August. We had just lost our precious Tred to stillbirth and we weren't trying to get pregnant but someone else has other plans. I conceived Talya in June, one month after Tred passed away. My pregnancy was fine and full of fear. We waited to tell people as long as we could and finally told everyone and they were probably as fearful as we were but we made it past the 21 week mark (when Tred passed away) and things were going fine.
As Talya's due date approached fear kicked in. In the last week of March I started losing my mucus plug and this was a new thing so I got nervous. I called the dr. and they said it was normal. I had weekly exams and after I had an exam the first week of April I had some spotting, the dr.s again said this was normal.
The following week was the most devestating week of our lives. I had a dr. appt. on April 8th becuase I woke up to some blood clots. I went in to the dr. and the bleeding stopped. They check my cervix and their was old blood not new. They said it again was normal. I was dialated to a 3 and 70% effaced and they said things may happen on their own (my other pregnancies were induced). The next morning on the 9th I woke again with blood clots. I called the dr. and they sent me to L & D and Talya and I were monitored for 3 hours. Her heart rate was lower than normal but it was within the normal range. She moved when I ate and the bleeding again had stopped and it was checked and it looked as though it was old blood again. I went home and no more clots or bleeding.
The next day on the 10th was the worst day of our lives (as well as Tred's passing). I awoke to more clots and a bit bigger and with that I also didn't feel Talya moving. I ate, I poked I did everything I could think of to make her move and their was nothing. My sister called and I told her I had to go to the dr. becuase I was bleeding again, I didn't want to alarm anyone so I rushed off the phone and I quick called the dr. and they called about 5 minutes later but if felt like hours and had me go to L & D again.
We got to the hospial and they looked for her hearbeat and they couldn't find it. The nurse was so nice she said that sometimes they don't find it right away becuase of the movement. I knew something was wrong. They called in another nurse and still couldn't find it so they said they would do an ultrasound, by then I new our little girl was gone. They brought in an ultrasound machine and it confirmed our worst nightmare, Our precious little girl had passed away at 38 weeks. I looked at Greg and said I couldn't do this again. We both hugged eachother and cried. Everyone left the room and left us to cry. The dr. and nurse came back in after a while and told us we were not leaving, that we were going to have her today.
We were left with the daunting task of calling our family and friends again. I called my sister Heidi first becuase I new she could do the task of calling everyone else. All I could get out is that I was at the hospital and that we didn't have a heartbeat. All she could get out was "WHAT" and then I repeated myself. She asked if I wanted her up at the hospital and I said I don't care. I was in no way able to make any decisions but she did. She came up to the hospital in what felt like 2 seconds. I am so glad that she is my bestfriend and was able to be their for me when I really needed her. Greg then called his mom (she was watching the kids) and we asked her not to tell them becuase we wanted to do that. Greg then called his brothers and told them the devestating news. Greg then called the kids and told them what happened and that we wanted them to come up to the hospital after Talya was born to say goodbye to her. My parents were also at the hospital but were in another room. When the induction started it really started.
The next few hours went by quick. I was induced and was in full labor within an hour. The contractions hurt like hell and it felt like I was going to die. At the time I really hoped for that, not only did I have to endure the pain of losing another child but I was feeling the horrible labor pains and knowing what was going to happen. I was hurting so bad and asked several times for an epidural but things went so fast that by the time I got one it was already too late. I gave birth to our baby girl without any pain meds.
I gave birth to our little girl Talya Rose on April 10th at 1:58pm. She weighted 6lbs. 11oz and was 18 3/4 inches long. She was just beautiful. She looked just like her brothers and sister expect she had dark hair. We had many visitors but I wasn't able to see many of them come in. Immediatly after having Talya I got sick. I had a horrible fever, shakes and a headache. Again at that time I was just hoping I would fall asleep and never wake up. Emotional pain and physical pain just suck but having them at the same time is just unbearable.
I was lucky enought to have Heidi call some friends to let everyone know what happened and was very greatful for Heidi doing this. I was way too sick to make any calls and I don't even know if I could call anyone. After family and friends came to visit it was time to sleep, or dose off. I really didn't sleep I wanted to spend as much time with my girl as I could. Greg wen't home so he could get some sleep, but I found out later that he didn't sleep much either. The kids spent the night at Heidi's and Greg was alone. I was scared that he was alone becuase he had such a hard time with Tred passing that I was afraid he my drink himself to nothing. He did have a few drinks and was able to dose off through the night. My friend LeaAnna and Renee came to visit me at night and LeaAnna stayed the night with me. I am so thakful for those friends that are able to comfort me (I like to act tough and put up walls).
Our nurse had come in at night and did Talya's feet and hand prints and I was able to wash the ink off. What a great and horrible feeling that that I was able to give her, her first and last cleaning. The nurse had asked if I wanted a bassinet to put her in so I could sleep and I never answered her. I didn't want to put her in a bassinet, I wanted to hold her and rock her and just have her near me. I held her all night and was able to do so until the next day.
The next day I was going to be going home and we had to say goodby to our baby. I was dreading this time as I knew it would be hard. I took a shower as Greg sat on the bed and said his goodbyes. I got out of the shower and heard voices so I just finished getting dressed. I came out and Greg said I couldn't leave because I had a blood infection. So again I was at the hospital for another day. We said our goodbyes to Talya and they took her away. It was so hard to say goodbye again.
The only thing that was keeping us together was B, P and E and knowing that Talya would be in heaven with her big brother Tred. This has been a horrible year for our family and we can only hope that their is a reason to have 2 babies pass away in 10 months.
Sad week
It was a sad week. It was so hard to belive that it's been a year since Tred passed away. I felt so alone this week. It seems that no-one really remembered Tred unless I reminded them of his birthday. It hurt so bad that some family members even forgot. Is it really that hard to acknowledge him. Just becuase Tred died doesn't mean he didnt exist.
I would love to have saw his name on one of the message boards and it not be me typing it. Do people that have never experienced a loss want to see the name of a baby that passed away on a message board. LIFE IS SO HARD, DEATH IS SO HARD.
*SIGH*
I would love to have saw his name on one of the message boards and it not be me typing it. Do people that have never experienced a loss want to see the name of a baby that passed away on a message board. LIFE IS SO HARD, DEATH IS SO HARD.
*SIGH*
Friday, June 5, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
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