I'm just sad and angry

I'm sad and angry today.

I thought I could handle it

I had to excuse myself from a board I frequent because I just can't handle all of the posts of people having babies and how tired they are and how they want their babies to sleep. I just can't handle seeing everyone so happy. I mean isn't the world supposed to stop because we are sad!!!

I feel like telling the tired and sleepy complainers to SHUT THE F-UP!!! I would trade you in a heart beat to be in your position. I mean are you kidding, your complaining about being tired and wanting your baby to sleep when their is me that would just die for that.

OK, now that I got that out I can resume my day!

Today

Well I had to get yet another ultrasound and mammogram for a lump under my armpit. I was told to be their 1/2 before my appt and I did. Unfortunatley they were running late so it took 20 minutes to get in after my appt time. While waiting, of course, a woman and her newborn came in from the hospital. It just doesn't end. I felt so uncomfortable and I think the staff could see it. They called me in and I had to wait in the "other" waiting room after getting into a hospital gown. Then they asked me questions about when I first felt the lump. I had to think of how to answer that question. I pretty much just told her I felt it April 20th. I really didn't want to go into more so I just picked a date. It felt nice to not have to explain what happened to a complete stranger.

I laughed pretty hard tonight at something DH and I were talking about. It felt good to laugh but the sadness still overshadows that one good laugh. Things are going a bit better but when they seem to start to go and feel better, something always happens.

I hate thinking in such a negative way but I don't know anything different. I don't think I am being too negative around the kids but I really don't know. The older kids are at school and I hate it but I also go crazy when they are home. I have E here with me all day but he really is so independant but has his moments. He really is a mama's boy and I am so glad becuase it makes me feel so good at the things he says even though he may not know what it means.

I am feeling so lost. I thought I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up and now I don't know. I know I would like to work again, but just don't know what field of work to go into. The economy sucks so what field of work do you choose? I don't even know what I am good at anymore. I would love to work from home but what would I do. Ya I can sew, but what do I sew that I can sell. I can make some jewelry but who wants homemade jewelry when they can buy top notch jewelry at home shows or from stores. I really would love to feel as though I am accomplishing something.

I am tomorrow may be the day that I order Talya's headstone. *SIGH* It makes me nervous and scared.

Sunday was nice

Our Sunday visiting Tred and Talya was nice. It was emotional, as always, but nice. The kids were happy to see the balloons I put out, they said "I love you". We went to my sisters house to have dinner and it was nice hanging out with her and the kids. It's easier to not be sad when your around people.

I am not looking forward to this week. I have to go to the monument place and order Talya's headstone. I am so sad to have to do this.

I hate to be a broken record, but why did this happen to our family and to our babies?

F*&K You

Why is it everytime I go anywhere I see pregnant women and babies. Is this a joke? If it is I don't find if funny at all. I was at gymnastics today and I was sitting right by a woman that had a new baby boy. I went to Target and every isle I went down their were pregnant women and babies galore. UUUUGGGHHHHHH. This is why I hate going anywhere. I feel as though I'm being punished.

I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin lately that I don't know if I'm crying becuase of that or if I'm crying because of feeling sad for losing the babies. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I hate, hate hate shopping for clothes. I have a horrible hanging stomach and my boobs are a lot smaller than they were and I just hate how my clothes feel on me. I have nothing to show for looking the way I do and it just makes me feel even sadder and lonelier.

I am not taking my sleeping pills lately because I'm so afraid something is going to happen to the kids. I've had some pretty bad dreams (as though my life isn't a bad dream) about Greg and the kids while on the sleeping pills so I've stopped taking them. This just really sucks. Nights are horrible becuase it just leaves me to think about "what could have been", "what could I have done differently" "what will happen in the future".

The guilt of losing the kids is just eating at me. I know that everyone says it's not my fault but Fuck, that's my job as a mom. I am supposed to keep my babies safe and I didn't. I can't even keep the living kids safe. We've had stitches almost every other week, well yes I'm exaggerating but it sure feels like we've been to the ER every other week. I just keep going around in my head about things and it just makes me sick how this can happen. Was I that bad as a kid that God is paying me back? I just don't get it.

Can you die from a broken heart????? My heart hurts so bad on so many levels. Am I screwing up the lives of the kids becuase I'm so consumed with Tred and Talya being gone? UUUUGGGHHHH I just hate this second guessing myself constantly, I have totally lost who I was. Then their is that question, Who am I?

Why?????

Why did this happen to Tred and Talya?
Why did this happen to us?
Why were we choosen?
Why did God do this to us?
Why is this a part of God's plan?
Why do we have to listen to people say stupid things?
Why am I being tortured?
Why do we have to be left suffering when we are good people?
Why do we have to endure this pain for the rest of our lives?
Why are OUR babies burried?
Why couldn't I have watched them grow?
Why is this considered life?
Why do I have to be the angry one?
Why do I have to be the resentful one?
Why do I have to be the bitter one?
Why do I have to be the sorrowful one?
Why do I have to wake up every morning just hoping to make it through the day?
Why do I have to go to bed at night dreading the next day?
Why do I have to spend so much time crying everyday?
Why are they in heaven and not with us?
Why are we being punished?
Why do I have to worry about having more children?
Why do I have to keep myself busy so I don't go crazy?
Why do people not know what to say or do in regards to this?
Why did this have to happen?
Why do I feel responsible for their deaths?
Why do I have to be the mom that lost 2 babies?
Why do I feel like crying when I see other babies?
Why does everyone say I have 3 health children as if my 2 babies didn't matter?
Why does everyone have to worry about me?
Why do I have to celebrate birthdays at the cemetary?
Why do I have to clean headstones and not rooms?
Why did I come home from the hospital with boxes and not my babies?
Why does my heart hurt so bad?
Why was Tred taken at 21 weeks?
Why was Talya taken at 38 weeks?
Why do I feel alone?

Mother's Day

This was a particulary hard day. Not only am I missing 2 children but it was also 1 month from the day Talya passed.