Where do I go from here

I am not sure where to go from here. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. Everything was planned when I was pregnant with Tred. I was going to stay home and do daycare. I have since stopped doing daycare. Tred passed away and I was going to stay home until E was in school. We found out I was pregnant and things were going according to plan again. I would stay home and possibly start daycare again so I could raise the new baby. Then the horrific day came and Talya passed away. Again our plans were ripped from us and now I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel as though with the babies passing I lost myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. What do I stand for? I feel so empty that feel bad for my children having to see me so sad everyday.

I wish their were more support groups in MN. Yes I don't mind talking to my friends and families about my babies but I really want to talk to other people that have experienced what I have. I know it's a long shot, but it's something that I would like to have.

*SIGH*

Today was our due date for Talya. I am so sad and to top it off we got the results back today from her autopsy. How the hell does it happen again. They found Group B strep in her system. What is wrong with me? Am I defective? A baby passing away from a virus and the other from a bacteria. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to throw-up. My dr. is now wanting me to be seen by a Maternal-Fetal medicine dr. to review the records and see what is going on with me.

I am so sad today and hope my sleeping pill kicks in fast!!!

It just doesn't seem real

I guess I am still in shock that Talya passed away. It just doesn't seem real. I still cry for her but it just seems like a horrible nightmare. I just can't believe that she is gone. She was moving fine one night and the next morning she is gone. I can't help but feel I did something wrong to have lost 2 babies in a 10 month period. For now I can't emotionally handle being pregnant again. I never thought I would lose a baby and now I have lost 2. I am finding myself being more emotional at night and not sure why. I feel at peace in the day but once I have to go to sleep I just cry. I have a feeling it's because I just don't want to miss what B, P, and E do in their sleep. I have found myself check on them a few times before my sleeping pill kicks in, once that kicks in I am out until the morning (which may be a good thing for my healing).

We have started planting our garden adding a few beautiful flowers and family bought us some beautiful Statues to put in the garden. We may extend our garden a bit so the kids can plant the flowers themselves. So far Greg and B have planted the flowers, but I know that P and E want to plant some as well.

For now I am just feeling *blah*. I'm not happy, I'm not a blubbering mess, I'm just *blah*. Here is a picture of our precious angel Talya Rose.

Another loss

I am so sad to announce that we lost our little princess Talya Rose. She was stillborn on 4/10 at 38 weeks gestation. I am beyond words to explain how I feel. I was being superstitious and didn't post much about my pregnancy. I had fears that if I talked about being pregnant something would happen. Well something did happen she will now be in heaven with her brother. As sad as I am I am glad they will be with each other.