It's been a long time.......too long, shame on me!

Long time no speak. I have been very busy with work and I decided to take take on more to keep myself busy. A busy Angie means that I am not crying and thinking what could have been. I still do both, but not as long or as often. I still miss both Tred and Talya every day and get sad knowing I am not having more. My living children are getting older and they keep Tred and Talya's memory alive. I am so proud of my living children for being such wonderful people and thinking of their brother and sister as they too hurt that they are not here with us on earth. We do a memorial walk every year for the babies. B's football schedule has him playing games at the same time as the walk. He made a hard decision and choose to play in the football game but wore his memorial walk shirt and a blue sock on one foot and a pink sock on the other foot in memory of his siblings. I am beyond proud of him!!!!! I had a huge accomplishment this weekend. I held a baby for the first time, not a newborn but she was under a year and yes a girl. I have not held a baby since Talya passed away. This has been horrifically hard and thankfully I managed. I also went to church for a wedding, the church is the same church that officiated at Tred and Talya's funeral. This was hard!!!!!!!!! I have never felt so out of place at a place I shouldn't feel out of place. I did survive, but cried a bit thankfully it was a wedding and my tears were camouflaged as tears of joy!!! I am at a place that I am OK talking about the babies but it is still something that doesn't come up until I've talked with someone for a while. My babies are precious and I am very protective of their stories. A close friend that I can sincerely say is a best friend made the most amazingly beautiful pendant of Talya's foot. This friend was with me after I had Talya. She stayed at the hospital with us for my sanity as well as Greg's. I will forever be indebted to her for giving me the gift of sharing Talya's short life with me. I love her to pieces!!!! I am still looking for things to to in memory of the babies but am having a hard time. I really need to set time aside and sew and croquet blankets to give to hospitals in memory of the babies, however it's till hard to do this all at one time. I have been doing things piece by pieces and I am still going to make a run at it so hopefully this will happen!

Happy Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby girl. I miss you beyond measure. My heart hurts for you and my eyes cry for you everyday! I LOVE you and miss you terribly!

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It's been a while since I've been here. I have been busy, which has been a good thing in some ways. I've popped on to see other blogs and of course I'm sad. So many people are having babies and ending their blogging because they have reached their wonderful goal........a baby. I on the other hand have not reached my goal and probably never will. DH is still not wanting another child so my fate is sealed and I am resting it. I am so hurt that it seems like it's his way or no way. I so badly want another baby but because he doesn't I don't get to have another one. It's not fair.

I know we have been through a lot and I don't know if my need or want to have a baby is a real need or want or if it's me wanting to show my body I can still have a baby no matter what it thinks. The last idea makes me think of my face sticking its tongue out at my body. BLAH. Why is life so hard. I just don't get things and right now am living day-by-day.

My sadness has gotten less but my resentment at other people has gotten worse. I am constantly thinking its not fair for others to keep having babies while mine were taken away. I still have thought that I was a bad mom, that's why the babies were taken from me and I have many irrational thoughts about their death. I am still having the same dream of having them so to alleviate the sadness I stay wake until I can't keep my eyes open and then I go to bed with no dreams. I then wake up to being groggy and feel terrible because I am so tired. UUUGGGHHHH. I thought this was supposed to get better

Again I have to say the sadness has gotten better but not the lost and empty feeling. I am the life of the party, always laughing and making others laugh. I am always smiling and making other smile. I am always "normal" around other people. This is definitely not how I feel inside. I am so broken that I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing I can say is that I am a mom to 5 children. My memory has ran away. I have to leave myself notes in order to remember things. I block out so much that I forget pretty much everything. I don't know how to get past that. It's pretty bad, I keep forgetting appointments and even punching in at work. I will have to call the dr. soon to see if their is something I can do about it.

Anyway, sob, sob for me, I just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive and kicking and struggling with life. I am still constantly thinking of all my baby loss mommies and the struggles they must be having.

Lots of love,