*SIGH*. I find myself having a hard time looking at Tred's pictures. It makes me so sad that he isn't here with us. I h ve his pictures up and when I see him I cry. I've even had a hard time talking about him of late becuase I tear up. I now am feeling extremely scared about this pregnancy. When I don't feel the baby move, I panic and fear the worst. I just want to get past this fear so I can deal with Tred's upcoming 1 year birthday. That was hard to say, I can't believe he's been gone almost a year. Oh, here come the tears.

Fear

Well my fear of losing Tred has left me scared of posting somethings. I know it's irrational thinking but when you loose a baby how are you supposed to think? I so very much wanted Tred and now that he is gone I feel empty. I am very scared as to what is going to happen when the anniversary of his date approaches. I had a complete break down on his due date, what is going to happen to me on his anniversary? I sometimes wonder if people ignore me becuase I talk about him. I've got in contact with some old friends and once I tell them about Tred, I never hear from them again! It hurts to kinow that just becuase my son died, that people don't want to talk about him or are afraid to acknowledge him. Then I've got some old friends that I've been in contact with that still talk to me as well as occaionally ask how I am. Those are the ones that I wish I would have been closer to in school. You really find out who your friends are when something like this happens.

I hope that some day I will be able to go to the cemetary and be happy to know that Tred isn't sick anymore but is in a peaceful and wonderful place but for now I just wish he was with me and am still trying to work through him not being with us.

The kids are trying to remain positive about this pregnancy but I can tell that it's not the first thing they talk about as it's not the first thing I talk about either. It scares me so much that I am afraid of something going wrong. I am beginning to think I may need extra help with B. I think he needs to see a therapist or psychiatrist. He just overreacts more than before and now has a horrible temper and gets mad at the littlest things. Besides that I would like to have him talk about Tred and not feel guilty. He sees someone at school, however he doesn't talk much he just listens to what she has to say. I really don't want him to be a person that keeps everything inside and then blows up at the final straw.

*SIGH*

I love, miss and wish you were here with us Tred!