Can we just erase days.

I really wish I could erase some days. I am having a hard time with how things are going in my life. I was never a big person and I am now. I have tried to stay on a diet but I feel of a few weeks ago. I have gained 2lbs which isn't a lot but it's a lot to me. I wish their was a pill that would just make me thin, or a pill that would stop me from wanting to constantly eat. If I had a baby I wouldn't be eating all the time, I'd be chasing babies all over the house. Why are eating and emotions tied together. I have picked up a few things that I just haven't been able to do because I just can't get my damn mind organized. F&*( you food and the emotions that come with it.

Alright now that I got that out, I do really need to figure out how to set up an exercise routine. I have become a fat, lazy non-caring person that really just doesn't give a shit, but I know that won't get me very far. Where do I begin.........

And it happened again.

We went to the cemetary on our weekly visits and it happened again. Their is a chunk taken out of Tred's headstone. It happened last year and now this year. I am getting so pissed off. All I have left of Tred is his headstone and the cemetary has broken it twice. Why is it so hard for the grounds crew to realize that this is a baby location and it should be treated with care. The spot that was broken last year is now all scuffed up. Hopefully they will fix it fast and fix it right as well as fixing the scuff marks.

Blah

Yet another day of feeling just Blah. I am still on a diet and obviously feel off by having a few meals that I should not have had. I have had a somach ache since having that food. I know I shouldn't eat that food becuase it always gives me a stomach ache. I feel as though I am never hungry and am constantly eating. I eat more when I am emotional and boy am I ever emotional.

My lovely Auntie Cherly passed away over the weekend and my emotions are just out of wack. I am back to staying up late becuse I just hate dreaming and nothing has been taking those dreams away. I just want to have a peaceful sleep. I am so sad that my poor kids keep having to deal with death. Who thought is was fair for them to go through this kind of hurt again, or for that matter to see me hurt. I am just having a heck of a time lately and I know it's becuae Talya's one year is just around the corner.

WHY CAN'T LIFE BE EASY!!!!

*SIGH*

I am just feeling so sad today. I really shouldn't but some days my heart just hurts so bad I become sad. I am so angry, sad and jealous when I hear someone say or see that someone is pregnant. I just want that to be me, I want that announcement. Actually, I just want to turn back time and change the past. On top of my feelings, I didn't complete a school assignment because I just wasn't giving myself enough time, now I feel like yet again a failure. I wish I could have things back to where they were. I want my babies back, I want my memory back, I want my everything back.

Tred and Talya, please give me strength to function day-to-day. I am struggling.

Took some time off

I have taken some time off from blogging becuase I made some changes in my life. I am going back to school becuase the silence of sitting at home doing the same thing day after day, has just been too much. The time I have while E is at school just makes me sad. He may very well be our last child to enter school and it just hurts. I so badly want a baby, not to replace Tred or Talya, but because that is what I was supposed to be doing right now.

I really hate being in that bad feeling place. I am not a fun person to be around. My emotions turn at the drop of a hat. I have a horrible memory and just feel as though I am doing my living children no justice. My children are more responsible than their mother, that's just not right. I can't sleep at night, and when I get to sleep I have nighmares and when it's time to wake up I can't get myself up. I am afraid of those damn sleeping pills so I just don't take them.

Again, back to the school thing. I started school again to keep my self overly busy. For the most part I am doing well. I've gotten a few good responses on my papers but it still doesn't seem like I've done good enough. I've also started dieting and have lost 5lbs to-date and it's not even exiciting. I have lost myself as a person in losing my children. I was hoping that at some point I would get my happiness back but I just haven't. I put on a front for people becuase I have to. I don't like to seem weak or that I can't handle things but in actuality, I can't. I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to do in life.

*SIGH* No need to come to my pity party. This is just my life now.

Life

In the midst of losing our babies and feeling sad, anger and every feeling that goes along with losing children, my MIL passed away. She passed away of a brain aneurysm. I am so sad that she has left us but am selfishly happy that she is taking care of the babies. If we parents aren't able to care for our babies in heaven, who better than grandparents. I can just feel the comfort of knowing she is taking good care of them but, as usual, here on earth our family is sad. Sad that we don't have her with us and sad for me, since she was the one from that side that really helped me and talked to me about the babies, the one that cared how our family felt. It feels as though we are just sailing through life wondering what tragic thing will happen next. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have my children think like that.

I am thinking of changing churches in order get myself to go and speak with a spiritual person. I am so lost in my faith that I just don't know where to start. I am wiped out emotionally and have fallen off my course of daily living. I know need to make a daily list of what needs to be done and I have never had to do it to the point that I have to remind myself to dust or make lunch. I am so no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life and that scares me. I have no idea if anymore children will be in my future since everyone is not wanting to take a risk again for fear of failure to produce a living child. I so badly want to have another child, not to take the place of either Tred or Talya, but to be able to hold my baby and watch them grow to be adults. Isn't life full of chances? I am definitely not ready to have another child right now but would love to be able to make that decision.

ANGER

I have been busy with sad things going on but had to come here to vent. I am so angry at people right now I just feel horrible. I have been asking family and friends to remember our babies by helping do things like our memorial walk and volunteer work making things in memory of our babies for a non-profit foundation. Some family just isn't their for us or our babies. Really, one little thing is all I ask and I can't even get that. WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO. I have never hated those people more than I do today.