Took some time off

I have taken some time off from blogging becuase I made some changes in my life. I am going back to school becuase the silence of sitting at home doing the same thing day after day, has just been too much. The time I have while E is at school just makes me sad. He may very well be our last child to enter school and it just hurts. I so badly want a baby, not to replace Tred or Talya, but because that is what I was supposed to be doing right now.

I really hate being in that bad feeling place. I am not a fun person to be around. My emotions turn at the drop of a hat. I have a horrible memory and just feel as though I am doing my living children no justice. My children are more responsible than their mother, that's just not right. I can't sleep at night, and when I get to sleep I have nighmares and when it's time to wake up I can't get myself up. I am afraid of those damn sleeping pills so I just don't take them.

Again, back to the school thing. I started school again to keep my self overly busy. For the most part I am doing well. I've gotten a few good responses on my papers but it still doesn't seem like I've done good enough. I've also started dieting and have lost 5lbs to-date and it's not even exiciting. I have lost myself as a person in losing my children. I was hoping that at some point I would get my happiness back but I just haven't. I put on a front for people becuase I have to. I don't like to seem weak or that I can't handle things but in actuality, I can't. I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to do in life.

*SIGH* No need to come to my pity party. This is just my life now.

Life

In the midst of losing our babies and feeling sad, anger and every feeling that goes along with losing children, my MIL passed away. She passed away of a brain aneurysm. I am so sad that she has left us but am selfishly happy that she is taking care of the babies. If we parents aren't able to care for our babies in heaven, who better than grandparents. I can just feel the comfort of knowing she is taking good care of them but, as usual, here on earth our family is sad. Sad that we don't have her with us and sad for me, since she was the one from that side that really helped me and talked to me about the babies, the one that cared how our family felt. It feels as though we are just sailing through life wondering what tragic thing will happen next. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have my children think like that.

I am thinking of changing churches in order get myself to go and speak with a spiritual person. I am so lost in my faith that I just don't know where to start. I am wiped out emotionally and have fallen off my course of daily living. I know need to make a daily list of what needs to be done and I have never had to do it to the point that I have to remind myself to dust or make lunch. I am so no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life and that scares me. I have no idea if anymore children will be in my future since everyone is not wanting to take a risk again for fear of failure to produce a living child. I so badly want to have another child, not to take the place of either Tred or Talya, but to be able to hold my baby and watch them grow to be adults. Isn't life full of chances? I am definitely not ready to have another child right now but would love to be able to make that decision.

ANGER

I have been busy with sad things going on but had to come here to vent. I am so angry at people right now I just feel horrible. I have been asking family and friends to remember our babies by helping do things like our memorial walk and volunteer work making things in memory of our babies for a non-profit foundation. Some family just isn't their for us or our babies. Really, one little thing is all I ask and I can't even get that. WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO. I have never hated those people more than I do today.

What a rough week.

On October 10th my little Talya would have been 6 months old. I can't believe I have had to take this milestone again with tears of sorry instead of tears of joy. I just keep thinking about what could have been. Payton would have her sister that she so desperately wants (she asked for a sister for her birthday this year). When I look at her pictures I just don't understand the reasoning in why she had to die. The Whys will never stop for me, I just hurt so badly in my heart. I want to hold her, kiss her pouty lips, stroke her hair on my cheek. The song "one more day" keeps going around and around in my head.

Today is also another hard day. A year ago today was supposed to be Tred's due date. Again the what could have beens keep swirling in my head. Why did he have to catch something that I was exposed to so many years ago and never caught. Instead I catch it while I'm pregnant and he gets sick and dies. It just makes me so angry that my poor child is gone and my other one had to deal with the stress of feeling as though it was his fault.

I look at all of my children and see such beautiful wonderful people that have had to deal with so much sadness in their short lives. I hear people complain that their children are horrible and yes mine have been not so nice at times as well and I just think of how wonderful it would feel to tell Tred or Talya, the dreaded words "NO" or tell someone they are driving me crazy. I never want to take my children for granted for they are my everyday miracles. I have time with all of them and as mad as they make me, I am so proud to be their mom and hope they feel the same about me.

I am so thankful that I was able to hold, touch, caress, and see every part of my beautiful babies but can only wish I could turn back time to have them with me. Not many people get to hold such beautiful angels but I got to hold 2 and I'm sure they are making a ruckus in heaven becuase that's what my children do and I love them for being that way.

I lied

I lied. I had all intentions of working on the announcements but didn't. I decided to start something that couldn't be interrupted - Laundry. Yes it could be interrupted but it was just another excuse. UUUGGGHHHH. Why do I make it so hard. I am doing myself no justice just sitting on them and stopping the inevitable. I sit here looking at her picture and she is just beautiful and the thank-you cards have both Tred and Talya on them. We didn't do announcements for Tred because it was so new and we didn't know what to do and now I feel like we are pros at it, which doesn't feel good at all. Anyway, I have everything on the counter looking at me so I am going to dig in and get it done. I need to do this for her and for myself.

Still haven't finished announcements

OK. I made Talya's birth announcements and I still haven't sent them out or thank-you's. I am so afraid to finish these as these will be the last thing I need to do to tie me to doing something for her. I sit and look at the announcements and invitations and I just can't get myself to do them. I don't want anyone else to do them either. This is my job, it's just a hard job. I am hoping I can do a few of them this week, but of course their are no guarantees.

Up Late

Up late again. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to sleep normal.