I miss you Tred and Talya

I miss you both so much. I'm sure you hear me talking about you all the time. I've been able to talk about you a few times and not cry. I'm getting there! I hope you are being good and playing with all the other babies in heaven. I also hope you having a wonderful time with Grandma.
Sleep tight babies and know Daddy, Mommy, B, P and E miss and love you!

It's been a while

Well I have been on a break from the blogger world and from my blogger friends.....really for no apparent reason. I was contacted by e-mail, (thanks Annie) checking to see if I am alright because I haven't been on-line in a while. To Annie and others wanting to know, I am fine. Just going through my ups and downs, that's all.

I have been busy and have been working on my disbelief in life. I have to say I still get angry and frustrated at the complaining about babies being awake or hearing people say they are tired because they are awake with a baby....I just decide to bite my tongue and not engage in reading, writing or listening. This seems to be the only thing that works so I don't get angry. Why is it so hard too see others joyous...because they have what I want. No I don't want their baby or their lives, I want my living babies, that's all.

I still have my dreams of giving birth to the babies but they aren't as gut wrenching as they have been. Now when I dream them they have a white cloud like frame around the dreams which, when I wake up, makes me think that the babies are softening the hurt.

I don't believe when people say it gets easier, I think excruciating pain lessens but then is rears it ugly head on those special days of what could have been. I think about both children at all times and think of what they would be doing at the ages they are at. It breaks my heart that we as a family won't be able to enjoy watching them grow and watch them fight with their brothers and sisters, yes that's right fight. Our kids do that and even though it's not right that they fight, it's a joy to see them alive and trying to fix their problems with each other.

On a lighter note, the kids are talking about Tred and Talya more often. They are missing them so much and saying such nice things about them. They have all asked if we are going to have another baby and that they want one but I don't know how to answer that. I have told a few people that I would like to have another baby but then I get it thrown in my face by saying, I thought you weren't going to do that again and Why would you do that again, haven't you been through enough. It pissed me off at first and then it just made me sad that these people don't know me as well as I thought. It's really not any one's place to judge me and my family as these people have never been through what we have been through. We have lost a lot of friends and family over their selfishness of not wanting to deal with our babies dying.

All of my love is for my husband and children. We are the ones that live with losing our baby boy and baby girl and my poor children have lost a brother and sister. If you don't want to support us then STFU and say out of our lives. We are fine without your judgements!!!!

I miss you!

I miss you Tred and Talya. Holidays are so hard to deal with. I miss you both so much and wish you were here with us. I Love you both and hope you are exicted to see the fireworks in the sky. I wish you were watching them with us.......I Love You Tred......I Love You Talya......Say HI to Grandma for us!!

Thank you!!!!!

A big Thank you to those that have made things with Tred and Talya's name. It means so much to see their name written pretty much on anything. It really means alot knowing things were made and done specifically for them! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I hope I didn't forget anyone's website. I am so very thankful for

Amanda ~ Ireland's mom
http://namesinthestars.blogspot.com/

Waterfall Angels
Lisa – Jasper’s mom
http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/2010/02/talya-and-tred.html

Wall of Angels
Cara & hubby – mom of Emma Grace
http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/2009/10/nearly-to-ceiling.html

Angel baby names:
Laura – Cara’s mom
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/2010/04/talya.html
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/2010/04/tred.html

Abiding Hope collages
Franchesca ~ mom of Jenna Belle
http://www.hopecollage.org/2010/04/tred.html
http://www.hopecollage.org/2010/04/tayla.html

Angel Wings
Lea - mom to Nicholas
http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/2010/05/tred-and-talya.html

My Baby Butterfly Ella
Bree ~ mom to Ella
http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com/2009/06/ellas-parade-of-butterflies.html

Names on the sidewalk
Tiffany ~ mom to Genesis
http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/2010/06/tred-talya.html

Treasure from my heart
Grandma to Alessa Rose
http://treasurefrommyheart.blogspot.com/2010/04/talya-and-tred.html

Sara ~ Callia’s mom and K Family for writing my babies names in the sand!

I wish some days I never woke up

Today is one of those days. I thought things were supposed to get easier. Nope that is wrong. I don't see any light at the end of any tunnel or being able to come out of a tunnel at all. I have been so unhappy with life and things for a while now and each day that passes it seems to be getting worse. My children are pretty much self sufficient and they really don't need me to much of anything with them or for them for that matter. My marriage, well that's falling apart as well. I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore.

2 years

I miss you so much Tred. It's been 2 years sine you went to heaven and I missed you every. You were such a fighter and I am so proud of youu for that. I am so happy you are my son and I am your mommy. I hope to see you again some day. Happy Birthday and I love you more than words!

Glad it was a sunny day.

I say that sarcastically. I am glad it was a sunny day because I was able to wear sunglasses to hide the puffiness in my eyes. Yes I had been crying. I went to a children's birthday party and their were 2 new moms that I know talking about their babies birthday and how the hospital put them right on their chest and the baby start to breast feed and on and on....I just broke down. This is the first in a long time that I have cried. I had to go to my van because I just couldn't stop. This was the gut wrenching, hard time breathing crying that I experienced the day I found out out Tred and Talya had died. I was amazed that my husband, bless him, came up to the van to see where I was. He asked me what I was doing and I said nothing (why bother him with my worries and bring him down when he was having fun). he then asked if I was OK and I said ya and he gave me a hug and I just lost it again. I was a complete mess. I could barely catch my breath I was crying so hard. It's so frustrating that family doesn't understand my pain. I am having a hard time talking with people that haven't experienced this. I am able to talk to family but they just don't understand. I'm sure they are thinking in the back of their head that I am really needing to get over their deaths but I just can't. Everything reminds me of the babies and I mean everything. It is so hard to live in the moment when my my moments were taken and robbed from me.

The thins that really keep me going are my husband and children. I am so thankful to have them but yet I am so sad that they have to deal with me. I am so sad, I am not looking my best, I feel yucky and I just give off a vibe I don't want. I have said before that I am just not doing my living children justice and it just feels that way most of the time. I just don't know what else to do with my heart aching as much as it does.

On a bright note, E made a song today at the cemetary and it really was a good song. He kept singing it while we were visiting the babies and it was just so fitting. My love for those babies is so strong that I just don't know what to do with it anymore. I am so glad my husband and kids and I are able to talk about the babies and be happy and sad all at the same time.