I said it before and I will say it again,

You really know who your friends and family are when you have lost a child. I am so ashamed to even know some people I call family and friends. Talya's birthday came and some family I believe only helped us celebrate because they were told about her celebration. If we didn't invite them they would never had known (this I know as tey all forgot Tred's birthday last year). Then their are people I considered friends back in the day that I lost contact with and then reconnected with and now after hearing what has happened to me and our family, they no longer talk to me or even leave messages on this blog or even one of those messaging sites. I just don't get it. If it were someone else that has gone through losing a child and I knew about it, I would be trying to find information for them and post to them on their special days and even send a card to their home.

I JUST DON'T GET IT. Yes I am a mom of 3 living children. Yes I am a mom of 2 children that died. GET OVER YOURSELF AND PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES ONCE. IT IS A LONELY, LONELY LIFE AND ALL I WANT ARE FRIENDS.

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Talya!!!

What a rough year this has been without you. I miss you so much baby girl. I wish you were here with us. The kids miss you every day and talk about you and Tred. I am so heart broken that you are gone. I wish I could turn back time and have you here. I love you more than anyone will ever know. I love you, love you, love you Princess Talya.

I wish people would understand

I wish more people would understand how I feel. I don't want them to go through what I have been through, I just wish they would understand. Yes it still hurts to see babies, yes it hurts to see pregnant women and yest I know it will take time but I will heal on my time not your time.

Can we just erase days.

I really wish I could erase some days. I am having a hard time with how things are going in my life. I was never a big person and I am now. I have tried to stay on a diet but I feel of a few weeks ago. I have gained 2lbs which isn't a lot but it's a lot to me. I wish their was a pill that would just make me thin, or a pill that would stop me from wanting to constantly eat. If I had a baby I wouldn't be eating all the time, I'd be chasing babies all over the house. Why are eating and emotions tied together. I have picked up a few things that I just haven't been able to do because I just can't get my damn mind organized. F&*( you food and the emotions that come with it.

Alright now that I got that out, I do really need to figure out how to set up an exercise routine. I have become a fat, lazy non-caring person that really just doesn't give a shit, but I know that won't get me very far. Where do I begin.........

And it happened again.

We went to the cemetary on our weekly visits and it happened again. Their is a chunk taken out of Tred's headstone. It happened last year and now this year. I am getting so pissed off. All I have left of Tred is his headstone and the cemetary has broken it twice. Why is it so hard for the grounds crew to realize that this is a baby location and it should be treated with care. The spot that was broken last year is now all scuffed up. Hopefully they will fix it fast and fix it right as well as fixing the scuff marks.

Blah

Yet another day of feeling just Blah. I am still on a diet and obviously feel off by having a few meals that I should not have had. I have had a somach ache since having that food. I know I shouldn't eat that food becuase it always gives me a stomach ache. I feel as though I am never hungry and am constantly eating. I eat more when I am emotional and boy am I ever emotional.

My lovely Auntie Cherly passed away over the weekend and my emotions are just out of wack. I am back to staying up late becuse I just hate dreaming and nothing has been taking those dreams away. I just want to have a peaceful sleep. I am so sad that my poor kids keep having to deal with death. Who thought is was fair for them to go through this kind of hurt again, or for that matter to see me hurt. I am just having a heck of a time lately and I know it's becuae Talya's one year is just around the corner.

WHY CAN'T LIFE BE EASY!!!!

*SIGH*

I am just feeling so sad today. I really shouldn't but some days my heart just hurts so bad I become sad. I am so angry, sad and jealous when I hear someone say or see that someone is pregnant. I just want that to be me, I want that announcement. Actually, I just want to turn back time and change the past. On top of my feelings, I didn't complete a school assignment because I just wasn't giving myself enough time, now I feel like yet again a failure. I wish I could have things back to where they were. I want my babies back, I want my memory back, I want my everything back.

Tred and Talya, please give me strength to function day-to-day. I am struggling.