Sad week

It was a sad week. It was so hard to belive that it's been a year since Tred passed away. I felt so alone this week. It seems that no-one really remembered Tred unless I reminded them of his birthday. It hurt so bad that some family members even forgot. Is it really that hard to acknowledge him. Just becuase Tred died doesn't mean he didnt exist.

I would love to have saw his name on one of the message boards and it not be me typing it. Do people that have never experienced a loss want to see the name of a baby that passed away on a message board. LIFE IS SO HARD, DEATH IS SO HARD.

*SIGH*

I love you!!!!! Happy Heavenly Birthday!

:(

I'm just sad and angry

I'm sad and angry today.

I thought I could handle it

I had to excuse myself from a board I frequent because I just can't handle all of the posts of people having babies and how tired they are and how they want their babies to sleep. I just can't handle seeing everyone so happy. I mean isn't the world supposed to stop because we are sad!!!

I feel like telling the tired and sleepy complainers to SHUT THE F-UP!!! I would trade you in a heart beat to be in your position. I mean are you kidding, your complaining about being tired and wanting your baby to sleep when their is me that would just die for that.

OK, now that I got that out I can resume my day!

Today

Well I had to get yet another ultrasound and mammogram for a lump under my armpit. I was told to be their 1/2 before my appt and I did. Unfortunatley they were running late so it took 20 minutes to get in after my appt time. While waiting, of course, a woman and her newborn came in from the hospital. It just doesn't end. I felt so uncomfortable and I think the staff could see it. They called me in and I had to wait in the "other" waiting room after getting into a hospital gown. Then they asked me questions about when I first felt the lump. I had to think of how to answer that question. I pretty much just told her I felt it April 20th. I really didn't want to go into more so I just picked a date. It felt nice to not have to explain what happened to a complete stranger.

I laughed pretty hard tonight at something DH and I were talking about. It felt good to laugh but the sadness still overshadows that one good laugh. Things are going a bit better but when they seem to start to go and feel better, something always happens.

I hate thinking in such a negative way but I don't know anything different. I don't think I am being too negative around the kids but I really don't know. The older kids are at school and I hate it but I also go crazy when they are home. I have E here with me all day but he really is so independant but has his moments. He really is a mama's boy and I am so glad becuase it makes me feel so good at the things he says even though he may not know what it means.

I am feeling so lost. I thought I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up and now I don't know. I know I would like to work again, but just don't know what field of work to go into. The economy sucks so what field of work do you choose? I don't even know what I am good at anymore. I would love to work from home but what would I do. Ya I can sew, but what do I sew that I can sell. I can make some jewelry but who wants homemade jewelry when they can buy top notch jewelry at home shows or from stores. I really would love to feel as though I am accomplishing something.

I am tomorrow may be the day that I order Talya's headstone. *SIGH* It makes me nervous and scared.

Sunday was nice

Our Sunday visiting Tred and Talya was nice. It was emotional, as always, but nice. The kids were happy to see the balloons I put out, they said "I love you". We went to my sisters house to have dinner and it was nice hanging out with her and the kids. It's easier to not be sad when your around people.

I am not looking forward to this week. I have to go to the monument place and order Talya's headstone. I am so sad to have to do this.

I hate to be a broken record, but why did this happen to our family and to our babies?