F*&K You

Why is it everytime I go anywhere I see pregnant women and babies. Is this a joke? If it is I don't find if funny at all. I was at gymnastics today and I was sitting right by a woman that had a new baby boy. I went to Target and every isle I went down their were pregnant women and babies galore. UUUUGGGHHHHHH. This is why I hate going anywhere. I feel as though I'm being punished.

I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin lately that I don't know if I'm crying becuase of that or if I'm crying because of feeling sad for losing the babies. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I hate, hate hate shopping for clothes. I have a horrible hanging stomach and my boobs are a lot smaller than they were and I just hate how my clothes feel on me. I have nothing to show for looking the way I do and it just makes me feel even sadder and lonelier.

I am not taking my sleeping pills lately because I'm so afraid something is going to happen to the kids. I've had some pretty bad dreams (as though my life isn't a bad dream) about Greg and the kids while on the sleeping pills so I've stopped taking them. This just really sucks. Nights are horrible becuase it just leaves me to think about "what could have been", "what could I have done differently" "what will happen in the future".

The guilt of losing the kids is just eating at me. I know that everyone says it's not my fault but Fuck, that's my job as a mom. I am supposed to keep my babies safe and I didn't. I can't even keep the living kids safe. We've had stitches almost every other week, well yes I'm exaggerating but it sure feels like we've been to the ER every other week. I just keep going around in my head about things and it just makes me sick how this can happen. Was I that bad as a kid that God is paying me back? I just don't get it.

Can you die from a broken heart????? My heart hurts so bad on so many levels. Am I screwing up the lives of the kids becuase I'm so consumed with Tred and Talya being gone? UUUUGGGHHHH I just hate this second guessing myself constantly, I have totally lost who I was. Then their is that question, Who am I?

Why?????

Why did this happen to Tred and Talya?
Why did this happen to us?
Why were we choosen?
Why did God do this to us?
Why is this a part of God's plan?
Why do we have to listen to people say stupid things?
Why am I being tortured?
Why do we have to be left suffering when we are good people?
Why do we have to endure this pain for the rest of our lives?
Why are OUR babies burried?
Why couldn't I have watched them grow?
Why is this considered life?
Why do I have to be the angry one?
Why do I have to be the resentful one?
Why do I have to be the bitter one?
Why do I have to be the sorrowful one?
Why do I have to wake up every morning just hoping to make it through the day?
Why do I have to go to bed at night dreading the next day?
Why do I have to spend so much time crying everyday?
Why are they in heaven and not with us?
Why are we being punished?
Why do I have to worry about having more children?
Why do I have to keep myself busy so I don't go crazy?
Why do people not know what to say or do in regards to this?
Why did this have to happen?
Why do I feel responsible for their deaths?
Why do I have to be the mom that lost 2 babies?
Why do I feel like crying when I see other babies?
Why does everyone say I have 3 health children as if my 2 babies didn't matter?
Why does everyone have to worry about me?
Why do I have to celebrate birthdays at the cemetary?
Why do I have to clean headstones and not rooms?
Why did I come home from the hospital with boxes and not my babies?
Why does my heart hurt so bad?
Why was Tred taken at 21 weeks?
Why was Talya taken at 38 weeks?
Why do I feel alone?

Mother's Day

This was a particulary hard day. Not only am I missing 2 children but it was also 1 month from the day Talya passed.

Where do I go from here

I am not sure where to go from here. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. Everything was planned when I was pregnant with Tred. I was going to stay home and do daycare. I have since stopped doing daycare. Tred passed away and I was going to stay home until E was in school. We found out I was pregnant and things were going according to plan again. I would stay home and possibly start daycare again so I could raise the new baby. Then the horrific day came and Talya passed away. Again our plans were ripped from us and now I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel as though with the babies passing I lost myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. What do I stand for? I feel so empty that feel bad for my children having to see me so sad everyday.

I wish their were more support groups in MN. Yes I don't mind talking to my friends and families about my babies but I really want to talk to other people that have experienced what I have. I know it's a long shot, but it's something that I would like to have.

*SIGH*

Today was our due date for Talya. I am so sad and to top it off we got the results back today from her autopsy. How the hell does it happen again. They found Group B strep in her system. What is wrong with me? Am I defective? A baby passing away from a virus and the other from a bacteria. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to throw-up. My dr. is now wanting me to be seen by a Maternal-Fetal medicine dr. to review the records and see what is going on with me.

I am so sad today and hope my sleeping pill kicks in fast!!!

It just doesn't seem real

I guess I am still in shock that Talya passed away. It just doesn't seem real. I still cry for her but it just seems like a horrible nightmare. I just can't believe that she is gone. She was moving fine one night and the next morning she is gone. I can't help but feel I did something wrong to have lost 2 babies in a 10 month period. For now I can't emotionally handle being pregnant again. I never thought I would lose a baby and now I have lost 2. I am finding myself being more emotional at night and not sure why. I feel at peace in the day but once I have to go to sleep I just cry. I have a feeling it's because I just don't want to miss what B, P, and E do in their sleep. I have found myself check on them a few times before my sleeping pill kicks in, once that kicks in I am out until the morning (which may be a good thing for my healing).

We have started planting our garden adding a few beautiful flowers and family bought us some beautiful Statues to put in the garden. We may extend our garden a bit so the kids can plant the flowers themselves. So far Greg and B have planted the flowers, but I know that P and E want to plant some as well.

For now I am just feeling *blah*. I'm not happy, I'm not a blubbering mess, I'm just *blah*. Here is a picture of our precious angel Talya Rose.

Another loss

I am so sad to announce that we lost our little princess Talya Rose. She was stillborn on 4/10 at 38 weeks gestation. I am beyond words to explain how I feel. I was being superstitious and didn't post much about my pregnancy. I had fears that if I talked about being pregnant something would happen. Well something did happen she will now be in heaven with her brother. As sad as I am I am glad they will be with each other.