Where do I go from here

I am not sure where to go from here. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. Everything was planned when I was pregnant with Tred. I was going to stay home and do daycare. I have since stopped doing daycare. Tred passed away and I was going to stay home until E was in school. We found out I was pregnant and things were going according to plan again. I would stay home and possibly start daycare again so I could raise the new baby. Then the horrific day came and Talya passed away. Again our plans were ripped from us and now I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel as though with the babies passing I lost myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. What do I stand for? I feel so empty that feel bad for my children having to see me so sad everyday.

I wish their were more support groups in MN. Yes I don't mind talking to my friends and families about my babies but I really want to talk to other people that have experienced what I have. I know it's a long shot, but it's something that I would like to have.

*SIGH*

Today was our due date for Talya. I am so sad and to top it off we got the results back today from her autopsy. How the hell does it happen again. They found Group B strep in her system. What is wrong with me? Am I defective? A baby passing away from a virus and the other from a bacteria. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to throw-up. My dr. is now wanting me to be seen by a Maternal-Fetal medicine dr. to review the records and see what is going on with me.

I am so sad today and hope my sleeping pill kicks in fast!!!

It just doesn't seem real

I guess I am still in shock that Talya passed away. It just doesn't seem real. I still cry for her but it just seems like a horrible nightmare. I just can't believe that she is gone. She was moving fine one night and the next morning she is gone. I can't help but feel I did something wrong to have lost 2 babies in a 10 month period. For now I can't emotionally handle being pregnant again. I never thought I would lose a baby and now I have lost 2. I am finding myself being more emotional at night and not sure why. I feel at peace in the day but once I have to go to sleep I just cry. I have a feeling it's because I just don't want to miss what B, P, and E do in their sleep. I have found myself check on them a few times before my sleeping pill kicks in, once that kicks in I am out until the morning (which may be a good thing for my healing).

We have started planting our garden adding a few beautiful flowers and family bought us some beautiful Statues to put in the garden. We may extend our garden a bit so the kids can plant the flowers themselves. So far Greg and B have planted the flowers, but I know that P and E want to plant some as well.

For now I am just feeling *blah*. I'm not happy, I'm not a blubbering mess, I'm just *blah*. Here is a picture of our precious angel Talya Rose.

Another loss

I am so sad to announce that we lost our little princess Talya Rose. She was stillborn on 4/10 at 38 weeks gestation. I am beyond words to explain how I feel. I was being superstitious and didn't post much about my pregnancy. I had fears that if I talked about being pregnant something would happen. Well something did happen she will now be in heaven with her brother. As sad as I am I am glad they will be with each other.

*SIGH*. I find myself having a hard time looking at Tred's pictures. It makes me so sad that he isn't here with us. I h ve his pictures up and when I see him I cry. I've even had a hard time talking about him of late becuase I tear up. I now am feeling extremely scared about this pregnancy. When I don't feel the baby move, I panic and fear the worst. I just want to get past this fear so I can deal with Tred's upcoming 1 year birthday. That was hard to say, I can't believe he's been gone almost a year. Oh, here come the tears.

Fear

Well my fear of losing Tred has left me scared of posting somethings. I know it's irrational thinking but when you loose a baby how are you supposed to think? I so very much wanted Tred and now that he is gone I feel empty. I am very scared as to what is going to happen when the anniversary of his date approaches. I had a complete break down on his due date, what is going to happen to me on his anniversary? I sometimes wonder if people ignore me becuase I talk about him. I've got in contact with some old friends and once I tell them about Tred, I never hear from them again! It hurts to kinow that just becuase my son died, that people don't want to talk about him or are afraid to acknowledge him. Then I've got some old friends that I've been in contact with that still talk to me as well as occaionally ask how I am. Those are the ones that I wish I would have been closer to in school. You really find out who your friends are when something like this happens.

I hope that some day I will be able to go to the cemetary and be happy to know that Tred isn't sick anymore but is in a peaceful and wonderful place but for now I just wish he was with me and am still trying to work through him not being with us.

The kids are trying to remain positive about this pregnancy but I can tell that it's not the first thing they talk about as it's not the first thing I talk about either. It scares me so much that I am afraid of something going wrong. I am beginning to think I may need extra help with B. I think he needs to see a therapist or psychiatrist. He just overreacts more than before and now has a horrible temper and gets mad at the littlest things. Besides that I would like to have him talk about Tred and not feel guilty. He sees someone at school, however he doesn't talk much he just listens to what she has to say. I really don't want him to be a person that keeps everything inside and then blows up at the final straw.

*SIGH*

I love, miss and wish you were here with us Tred!

Angry

I am so angry and upset that I just want to throw things. We didn't get a chance to visit Tred last week becuase of the kids sports. Well we visited him today and Then my anger struck. His marker had 2 inches of mud on it. Well thankfully we had a shovel to shovel it off and once we got the mud off we notices that their was a large spot on the marker that had been broken off. How could anyone be so rude and uncaring. The only think I have left of my baby is his marker and it look like that. Well it looks as though they snow was removed from the area because for 2 burials. This mud wasn't from any runoff or the snow melting. I just get so upset that Tred's marker was so yucky looking. I can understand if it was a thing from nature but this was clearly not a natural thing.

I have contacted the cemetary and hope to hear from them soon!

(I am currently 29 weeks and am very nervous. I ask Tred every day to watch over us after I say a special prayer for him)