In true Angie fashion, I'm behind...... on everything.  I'm slowly crawling back out of my hole of sadness, guilt and death and enjoying the world again.  It's a new, very awkward feeling.  Its hard to be happy.  I've been good at hiding my sadness from everyone for several years, even my family. I started to become angry to everyone all the time.  I was happier by myself than when I was around people.  My youngest has a baseball team and there are several new parents that didn't know about Tred and Talya.  When they found out they asked.........they asked about them.  The most amazing feeling ever was being asked what happened to Tred and Talya by someone that wasn't around for the 7 years of me being in my cocoon .  I hadn't told the story in a long time.  I told their story with a few tears but I told their story.  These ladies were very sympathetic and never said the word I hate the most, sorry.  They were wonderful and said "Oh Angie" or just a hug but NO SORRY was used.  It was such a wonderful feeling to not hear the word I hate the most in the the world.  It was such a weird feeling, kind of like the sun shining down on me beaming with pride, this is how I feel every time I talk about my babies.


Till I have more to say,









Mom of 5 wonderful children

P.S.  I've changed my blog from my son's email to my email so I will have to update lots of stuff!

Memorial walk for Tred and Talya

Well today has been a day of realization.  I have realized that I really need to start to care about me.  As time gets closer, well 2 days, to Tred and Talya's walk I realized that I am not where I want to be.  I really wanted to run this year but have failed in my attempt to learn how to run.  Yes I do not know how to run.  I can run but I know there is a way to do it correctly.  I don't know who to breathe correctly when running and quickly want to stop.  I want to be able to run the 5k next year so I will be starting a couch to 5k program after the weekend.

The walk/run will be in a new location this year and it pushed my anxiety with the fact that I need to be there early to help set-up.  I am not the best driver in the dark and this makes me a bit nervous as the coffee stores are not open at 4am.   I think I may purchase one the night before and just heat it up and have a spare while driving.  P may actually join me again this Sat. to volunteer.  I couldn't ask for a better daughter!!!!  When she is this wonderful it makes me cry knowing she will never be able to share theses things with her sister!

B will be able to join in the walk this year as he is now a Freshman and they don't have football games on a Sat.  E will have to miss his football game this year.  He was feeling so torn as he doesn't want to let his team down but he also doesn't want to miss Tred and Talya's walk.  It's a double edge sword for the boys with sports and siblings.

I love you T & T!!!!

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/AngieFormaneck/minnesota-hope-hearts-5k-run-memorial-walk2013

Till I have more to say,

 
Mom of 5 wonderful children

2 days in a row

It was a very weird day today.  I've come to the realization that I will never have kids again and it well, sucks, sucks shit.  I still want another one but hubby isn't on board.  It feels like to many years have gone by and my age and husband are against me.  I still see pregnant women and it still hurts.  I look away and act as if they aren't there.  Since Tred and Talya have died I have only held 1 baby girls not a new born but under a year old.  I don't think I can ever hold a newborn ever again.  To many feelings of failure and fear and hurt.

I am currently working on finishing Talya's blanket and putting together a book of friends that let balloons go in Tred's memory.  The kids are so excited to see the finished video/book.

Love always to you Tred and Talya.  I miss and love you!

Till I have more to say,
  Mom of 5 wonderful children

I think I'm a chronic liar

Yet again I have taken my sweet time posting.  I keep saying that I will post often and it never happens.  Things around here have been so crazy with B, P and E and their sports.  Life is never dull.  With that it would be a lot more active having Tred and Talya with it and it makes me a bit sad that we are not busier.  Did I just say that, sad that we aren't busier.  The small things that get taken for granted are things that we want.  We want to be so frustrated with having 5 different schedules for our five babies, but that's not what we have.   I sit tonight and think of how my life has been since having Tred and Talya and how my children's live has been.  It makes me sad to know Tred won't be able to pick on P with the boys, he won't be wrestling, playing baseball or football.  Talya won't be able to get her hair done by P and P won't be able to do her hair or help her with makeup and teach her gymnastics.

My living babies are becoming more and more independent and it really scares me.  What will I do when they go to school.  I have been loving working at home and having the kids around all the time.  I sometimes think I may need a new dog or cat to take care of just because I need to nurture someone or something.  I want that feeling of joy in taking care of a baby, which I will never get again. I need something.

Tred and Talya I think of you everyday.  I went shopping and found some cute little things for you when we come visit.  We are very excited to walk in your memory this year.  Many hugs and kisses to you both!!!!  I love you Tred and Talya!

Till I have more to say,
  Mom of 5 wonderful children

Happy Birthday Tred

It was Tred's Golden Birthday yesterday (6/5)and what an emotional day it was.  I had friends release a balloon in his memory and a few people made videos releasing his memorial balloons and it was so touching.  I can remember the day like it was yesterday as its burned in my mind and I see it often.   I miss him so much, his skin, his toes, his fingers.  Everything, I miss everything about him.

Happy Birthday Tred, you are an amazing accomplishment in my life!!!!

I LOVE YOU TRED!!!!




Till I have more to say,



  Mom of 5 wonderful children

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TALYA!

Today Talya would have been 4.  Such a sad day for me.  I have been very busy and not allowing myself to really sit and think about the details of her birth.  I found myself reading a card that I received from a mom of  one of E's friends.  I read it to myself just fine, when I read it out loud, I lost it.  Small things like this have been creeping up on me.  I have been having a hard time sleeping of late as well.  I have a beautiful video I made pictures from Talya's birth and I still 4 years after it was made, can not watch it.  It's too much for me.

We hope to make a nice balloon release today but can you believe that it's snowing........in April!  We will go to visit but the balloon release may be postponed due to the weather!  I'm hoping that the snow on the ground doesn't stick so I can decorate her gravestone.  This is something we do every year for Tred and Talya's birthday.  They will never get a party, a cake, ice cream or presents, so we make sure we celebrate their birthdays with decorations at the cemetery.

Happy Birthday Princess Talya!!!!!

WE LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!!



Till I have more to say,
 
Mom of 7 wonderful children

Always behind

It's quite funny how things I want to keep on top of, get put at the bottom of the list. Well this blog is one of those. I have updated the look of this blog to give it a little color. 

I know Tred and Talya would love those colors as their brothers and sisters like this design as well. Lots of colors and a lot of fun is what we are trying to do. Things are going well and the kids are doing fine. 

So far the winter has been good and no destruction of the headstones have happened. This year Talya will be 4 and Tred will be 5. It's hard to believe how far time has passed and what a very hard five years this has been. 

 I will love you Forever Tred and Talya!

Till I have more to say, 

 Angie

It's been a long time.......too long, shame on me!

Long time no speak. I have been very busy with work and I decided to take take on more to keep myself busy. A busy Angie means that I am not crying and thinking what could have been. I still do both, but not as long or as often. I still miss both Tred and Talya every day and get sad knowing I am not having more. My living children are getting older and they keep Tred and Talya's memory alive. I am so proud of my living children for being such wonderful people and thinking of their brother and sister as they too hurt that they are not here with us on earth. We do a memorial walk every year for the babies. B's football schedule has him playing games at the same time as the walk. He made a hard decision and choose to play in the football game but wore his memorial walk shirt and a blue sock on one foot and a pink sock on the other foot in memory of his siblings. I am beyond proud of him!!!!! I had a huge accomplishment this weekend. I held a baby for the first time, not a newborn but she was under a year and yes a girl. I have not held a baby since Talya passed away. This has been horrifically hard and thankfully I managed. I also went to church for a wedding, the church is the same church that officiated at Tred and Talya's funeral. This was hard!!!!!!!!! I have never felt so out of place at a place I shouldn't feel out of place. I did survive, but cried a bit thankfully it was a wedding and my tears were camouflaged as tears of joy!!! I am at a place that I am OK talking about the babies but it is still something that doesn't come up until I've talked with someone for a while. My babies are precious and I am very protective of their stories. A close friend that I can sincerely say is a best friend made the most amazingly beautiful pendant of Talya's foot. This friend was with me after I had Talya. She stayed at the hospital with us for my sanity as well as Greg's. I will forever be indebted to her for giving me the gift of sharing Talya's short life with me. I love her to pieces!!!! I am still looking for things to to in memory of the babies but am having a hard time. I really need to set time aside and sew and croquet blankets to give to hospitals in memory of the babies, however it's till hard to do this all at one time. I have been doing things piece by pieces and I am still going to make a run at it so hopefully this will happen!

Happy Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday Baby girl. I miss you beyond measure. My heart hurts for you and my eyes cry for you everyday! I LOVE you and miss you terribly!

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=88d83036d30a0370598c98&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=email

It's been a while since I've been here. I have been busy, which has been a good thing in some ways. I've popped on to see other blogs and of course I'm sad. So many people are having babies and ending their blogging because they have reached their wonderful goal........a baby. I on the other hand have not reached my goal and probably never will. DH is still not wanting another child so my fate is sealed and I am resting it. I am so hurt that it seems like it's his way or no way. I so badly want another baby but because he doesn't I don't get to have another one. It's not fair.

I know we have been through a lot and I don't know if my need or want to have a baby is a real need or want or if it's me wanting to show my body I can still have a baby no matter what it thinks. The last idea makes me think of my face sticking its tongue out at my body. BLAH. Why is life so hard. I just don't get things and right now am living day-by-day.

My sadness has gotten less but my resentment at other people has gotten worse. I am constantly thinking its not fair for others to keep having babies while mine were taken away. I still have thought that I was a bad mom, that's why the babies were taken from me and I have many irrational thoughts about their death. I am still having the same dream of having them so to alleviate the sadness I stay wake until I can't keep my eyes open and then I go to bed with no dreams. I then wake up to being groggy and feel terrible because I am so tired. UUUGGGHHHH. I thought this was supposed to get better

Again I have to say the sadness has gotten better but not the lost and empty feeling. I am the life of the party, always laughing and making others laugh. I am always smiling and making other smile. I am always "normal" around other people. This is definitely not how I feel inside. I am so broken that I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing I can say is that I am a mom to 5 children. My memory has ran away. I have to leave myself notes in order to remember things. I block out so much that I forget pretty much everything. I don't know how to get past that. It's pretty bad, I keep forgetting appointments and even punching in at work. I will have to call the dr. soon to see if their is something I can do about it.

Anyway, sob, sob for me, I just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive and kicking and struggling with life. I am still constantly thinking of all my baby loss mommies and the struggles they must be having.

Lots of love,

Apologies

I want to say sorry to everyone. I haven't been able to get on-line becuase my computer hasn't been working. Well we got it working, not the best, but we have internet access. I hope I will be able to get on-line now and use this blog to get my feelings out instead of letting them fester with my fake happiness so people won't know I'm hurting.

Sorry......no wait, I'm not sorry.

I have been trying hard to get on-line to post but it is just too hard lately.  I am working and trying to keep my mind occupied.  It's been working for the most part but I am now back to staying up late.  I have been having dreams again horrible nightmares and when they aren't nightmares they are dreams of giving birth to T & T again.  I find myself lucky to have given birth to them and having them a part of my life, it just hurts to keep reliving the births.  It's such a draining feeling waking up again to no babies.  The dream starts out wonderful and then my babies dye again!  It's so hard to explain the feelings I feel.  It feels great to be pregnant with them but so hard because they die.........again.

I am sorry that I haven't been on-line much but it's been hard.  Wait I don't need to apologize, I have the right to feel how I feel.  It's been hard.  I keep seeing and hearing so many people that are pregnant and it just puts me back to that place when I was happy being pregnant with the babies.  I loved being pregnant.  I just loved being pregnant, it was such a wonderful feeling.  I no longer feel that way.  Being pregnant is just scary to me.  I would love to have another baby but I just don't think that is going to happen.  I just don't know if I could ever do that again.

So many things have been happening of late it has just stirred up so many feelings that I just feel alone again. Greg and I have a very odd sense of humor since the babies have died.  We really need to make ourselves laugh somehow but not everyone sees it the same.  Some people think we are shoving the babies death in their faces as well as others and all I have to say is.....SHUT THE FUCK UP.  I live with the physical and emotional feelings of my babies death.  You have never had to give birth to a baby that has died, you have never had to bury your child or for that matter children.  I feel I am able to do what I want and say what I want with regard to my T & T.  If you don't like it, too bad.  This is my way of being able to parent them and if that's how I want to parent them that's how it's going to happen.

AAAAHHHHH, I feel a bit better now that I have gotten that out.

Many Hugs and Kisses Tred and Talya!!!!!!
I love your beautiful faces every day!

I'm just sad

I ended up going to the dr. and they had to up my meds.  I hate that I need to depend on medication to feel happy.  I feel even worse that my poor kids have to deal with me.  I love all my kids so much and miss them when I don't see them.  I got a new job and have been sad at the fact that I am not able to be home when they get home.  I miss tht time I have with them before they have their sports.  I miss everything.  I had to leave work yesterday becuase I was sick and I am sick again today and have not stopped crying.  I hate being alone here at home and hate that my little guy is going to day care, I just hate it.   I miss them when they are at school, I miss them always.  I wish I had more friends, I wish I could spend more time with my husband.  I just am so sad.

Liar, Liar pants on fire.....

Yep that's me..........a liar. I didn't get to my appointment. I had to reschedule due to the wrong time. Was it on purpose or accident. I really don't know which it was. I had a certain time stuck in my head and it was in the afternoon. The actual appointment was in the morning and I completely missed it. Did I feel bad that I missed it no, I was just pissed that I had to go there again. WTF was/is my problem. Hey Angie, show up to a room full of pregos just to reschedule your appointment and show up to a room full of pregos again! Anyway so here I go again, I have an appointment set up for this week which should have been done 6 months ago.

On a different subject. Why does is the old saying, when it rains it pours always happen to us. Well in the last 3 months my dog has had to have surgery 2 times. He has had an abscess in 2 different areas on his body, this is not a cheap surgery and to have it happen 2 times is really putting everything in jeopardy.

I am looking for work but there is something different. Before the babies passed, I was able to land any job. Now its just not happening. It feels as though I have a sign on my head that says "you don't want to hire her, she had 2 babies die, she's an emotional wreck at times, and her memory is crap". My zest for fun in life is gone and it seems to show to everyone. I hope something happens soon, things need to turn around at some point doesn't it???

Back to the babies, I had a huge melt down the other day. I have no idea why, but just looking at Talya's picture just made me break down. I am still struggling with the WHY. How do you get over that question? I know their is no answer but the perfectionist in me wants one and I don't want be let go until I have one. Actually I refuse to let go of the WHY question. Since the babies have passed away, I feel the need to mother them. I need to protect them. I need to keep their memory alive. I need to continue to ask WHY so I am able to mother them. Excuse me, but FUCK. How do you fix that. I know it's not healthy but I feel I need to do it. I feel they deserve the right to know as well. Why did they pass away before their parents. The questions without answers are the hardest part.

Could the continued black cloud over our house be around because I haven't gone back to church in over 2 years. Yep that's right 2 years. I am still having a hard time with forgiving. This isn't how things are supposed to go with our family. Bad things just keep happening and it isn't fun. I just wonder if the bad things are happening to punish us for not going to church. Of course others will say no but then why? There I go again, wanting an answer. *SIGH* I better stop before my head explodes.

Blah..........

That is how I can say how I feel today. This is the first official day of going to my yearly appointment after losing Talya. Ya, it's been more than a year but I couldn't get myself to go. I have rescheduled a few times (3 to be exact) and now I have to go. I'm putting off, I just don't want to go. I hate GYN appointments more than words can express. I hate sitting in the waiting room with women with babies and women that are pregnant. It's just uncomfortable for me. I've had to meet with my GYN a few times but not for the dreaded yearly. They no longer bring you back to a room ASAP because, well it's been longer than 6 weeks. I remember going back to the Dr. 6 weeks after having Tred and Talya and I was whisked back so I didn't have to sit in the waiting room, not it's pretty much as I'm treated by many friends, it's been a year, you're fine. HA HA HA, what does fine mean, it sure isn't me. Yes I can, more than likely, make it through sitting in the waiting room, it's that notion that people think that I'm "FINE" now. If it were only true. BLAH!!!!!

Also tomorrow it would have been Tred's due date two years ago. Gosh the days that stick in my head. I know all of my children's due dates and none of them were born on them, some were close but none were born on them. October is especially a hard month. It would have been Tred's due date and P was very excited to share a birth month with her brother. It's also P's birthday that she was to share with her grandma. She even asked if she can have a birthday party at the cemetery. I told her that since she doesn't have school that day, we will go celebrate with cupcakes and Pepsi (Linda's favorite drink).

Anyway, off to get ready to go to the crappiest type of appointment, BLAH!

I miss you Tred and Talya

I miss you both so much. I'm sure you hear me talking about you all the time. I've been able to talk about you a few times and not cry. I'm getting there! I hope you are being good and playing with all the other babies in heaven. I also hope you having a wonderful time with Grandma.
Sleep tight babies and know Daddy, Mommy, B, P and E miss and love you!

It's been a while

Well I have been on a break from the blogger world and from my blogger friends.....really for no apparent reason. I was contacted by e-mail, (thanks Annie) checking to see if I am alright because I haven't been on-line in a while. To Annie and others wanting to know, I am fine. Just going through my ups and downs, that's all.

I have been busy and have been working on my disbelief in life. I have to say I still get angry and frustrated at the complaining about babies being awake or hearing people say they are tired because they are awake with a baby....I just decide to bite my tongue and not engage in reading, writing or listening. This seems to be the only thing that works so I don't get angry. Why is it so hard too see others joyous...because they have what I want. No I don't want their baby or their lives, I want my living babies, that's all.

I still have my dreams of giving birth to the babies but they aren't as gut wrenching as they have been. Now when I dream them they have a white cloud like frame around the dreams which, when I wake up, makes me think that the babies are softening the hurt.

I don't believe when people say it gets easier, I think excruciating pain lessens but then is rears it ugly head on those special days of what could have been. I think about both children at all times and think of what they would be doing at the ages they are at. It breaks my heart that we as a family won't be able to enjoy watching them grow and watch them fight with their brothers and sisters, yes that's right fight. Our kids do that and even though it's not right that they fight, it's a joy to see them alive and trying to fix their problems with each other.

On a lighter note, the kids are talking about Tred and Talya more often. They are missing them so much and saying such nice things about them. They have all asked if we are going to have another baby and that they want one but I don't know how to answer that. I have told a few people that I would like to have another baby but then I get it thrown in my face by saying, I thought you weren't going to do that again and Why would you do that again, haven't you been through enough. It pissed me off at first and then it just made me sad that these people don't know me as well as I thought. It's really not any one's place to judge me and my family as these people have never been through what we have been through. We have lost a lot of friends and family over their selfishness of not wanting to deal with our babies dying.

All of my love is for my husband and children. We are the ones that live with losing our baby boy and baby girl and my poor children have lost a brother and sister. If you don't want to support us then STFU and say out of our lives. We are fine without your judgements!!!!

I miss you!

I miss you Tred and Talya. Holidays are so hard to deal with. I miss you both so much and wish you were here with us. I Love you both and hope you are exicted to see the fireworks in the sky. I wish you were watching them with us.......I Love You Tred......I Love You Talya......Say HI to Grandma for us!!

Thank you!!!!!

A big Thank you to those that have made things with Tred and Talya's name. It means so much to see their name written pretty much on anything. It really means alot knowing things were made and done specifically for them! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I hope I didn't forget anyone's website. I am so very thankful for

Amanda ~ Ireland's mom
http://namesinthestars.blogspot.com/

Waterfall Angels
Lisa – Jasper’s mom
http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/2010/02/talya-and-tred.html

Wall of Angels
Cara & hubby – mom of Emma Grace
http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/2009/10/nearly-to-ceiling.html

Angel baby names:
Laura – Cara’s mom
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/2010/04/talya.html
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/2010/04/tred.html

Abiding Hope collages
Franchesca ~ mom of Jenna Belle
http://www.hopecollage.org/2010/04/tred.html
http://www.hopecollage.org/2010/04/tayla.html

Angel Wings
Lea - mom to Nicholas
http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/2010/05/tred-and-talya.html

My Baby Butterfly Ella
Bree ~ mom to Ella
http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com/2009/06/ellas-parade-of-butterflies.html

Names on the sidewalk
Tiffany ~ mom to Genesis
http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/2010/06/tred-talya.html

Treasure from my heart
Grandma to Alessa Rose
http://treasurefrommyheart.blogspot.com/2010/04/talya-and-tred.html

Sara ~ Callia’s mom and K Family for writing my babies names in the sand!

I wish some days I never woke up

Today is one of those days. I thought things were supposed to get easier. Nope that is wrong. I don't see any light at the end of any tunnel or being able to come out of a tunnel at all. I have been so unhappy with life and things for a while now and each day that passes it seems to be getting worse. My children are pretty much self sufficient and they really don't need me to much of anything with them or for them for that matter. My marriage, well that's falling apart as well. I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore.