Just babbling

Well I had gotten my results back from the dr. and I am a "colonized" meaning I am a GBS carrier. The bacteria will come and go and if (a big if) I get pregnant I will need to be on antibiotics the entire pregnancy, this can raise other issues as well. I also test positive for high levels of homocysteine which can cause clotting problems so again if I get pregnant I will have to be on baby asprin and Lovenox, which is a shot. So "if" I get pregnant again I will need to be monitored (per my dr) monitored like a hawk. I don't know if I could ever do this again. My gosh, I would love to have another baby but I don't know if I could do it to this extent and my fear, depression and anxiety would be through the roof.

On another note, I sent the kids off to Camp Erin over the weekend and they loved it. B was not looking forward to it until we pulled in and he saw everything that he would be able to do. P was excited but anxious. She felt sick a few times but thankfully she never got sick. They had a meeting to tell the parents that the kids would be crabby from lack of sleep and talking about their grief. They were not kidding. I have never seen my daughter so angry in my life. She threw so many tempertantrums and said a few things that made me cry. I was so sad at some of the things she said that it hurt to even talk to her. I know she has a bad temper but to say what she said was just so upsetting. We were in the car and she was fighting with her brothers (totally normal). When Greg and I told them to stop fighting and to keep their hands to themselves, she went crazy. She was screaming, yelling and said she doesn't care about anyone, even Tred and Talya. I just burst out in tears, I was (and still am) sad that she would say this.

Anyway, I am having one of those weekends, missing the kids when they went to cam and have them coming back in a bad mood just makes things sad.

WTF is wrong with me.

I am so angry at myself. I was goig through some papers to send to my new GYN and I was getting the others ready to put in the kids baby books, which by the way sucks. I went downstairs to get the books and 1 is missing. I can't find Tred's book. I know it was there, where else could it be. Why where their 4 books and 1 missing. I have no idea where it is and now can't sleep becuase I can't find it. I've been crying for a hour and just have no idea where it is. I wrote things in their that I knew I would forget and all of his paperwork from the cemetary and funeral home and now I have nothing. Please pray that I find it.

****UPDATE****
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I found Tred's baby book. It was put into one of the containers that was holding pictures. Thank you Again!!!

Long Night

I don't know why I started but I did. I got things together to give back to their original owners. It was so hard because I had things I purchased and made for Talya and wasn't going to use any of them. I cried and cried and DH said you don't have to do this and I said it's got to get done at some point so I might as well finish. We both sad hugging each other and cried. I opened a bag of things that we had from the hospital and I could still smell her in the hat she had on, but put the things back in the bag to seal in her smell. UUUGGGHHH. Why can't this just be easy. I don't understand and never will why we have to go through this.

I also got some results back from my dr. office. I changed OB/GYN's after Talya passed away because I didn't feel comfortable at my dr. anymore. Well my new (she wasn't totally new, I had her when I delivered E) GYN decided to do some blood work and check for the bacteria infection again. Well becuase of the clots that I had 2 days before I delivered Talya as well as the day she passed away, she wanted to check on some blood clotting disorders. Well needless to say, I have a bacterial infection AGAIN!!!!. I am on antibiotics now and am hoping this may explain my being tired. I also got the results back on my homocysteine levels and they are high. This is one of the genetic blood test result so I will be going back in for some genetic testing and I'm sure some diet changes and more medication to make sure things go back to normal.

UGH, what a week I feel physically and mentally drained.