I'm Trying to Live with the Loss of 2 Babies Within 10 months

2012-02-09T19:40:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've been here. I have been busy, which has been a good thing in some ways. I've popped on to see other blogs and of course I'm sad. So many people are having babies and ending their blogging because they have reached their wonderful goal........a baby. I on the other hand have not reached my goal and probably never will. DH is still not wanting another child so my fate is sealed and I am resting it. I am so hurt that it seems like it's his way or no way. I so badly want another baby but because he doesn't I don't get to have another one. It's not fair.

I know we have been through a lot and I don't know if my need or want to have a baby is a real need or want or if it's me wanting to show my body I can still have a baby no matter what it thinks. The last idea makes me think of my face sticking its tongue out at my body. BLAH. Why is life so hard. I just don't get things and right now am living day-by-day.

My sadness has gotten less but my resentment at other people has gotten worse. I am constantly thinking its not fair for others to keep having babies while mine were taken away. I still have thought that I was a bad mom, that's why the babies were taken from me and I have many irrational thoughts about their death. I am still having the same dream of having them so to alleviate the sadness I stay wake until I can't keep my eyes open and then I go to bed with no dreams. I then wake up to being groggy and feel terrible because I am so tired. UUUGGGHHHH. I thought this was supposed to get better

Again I have to say the sadness has gotten better but not the lost and empty feeling. I am the life of the party, always laughing and making others laugh. I am always smiling and making other smile. I am always "normal" around other people. This is definitely not how I feel inside. I am so broken that I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing I can say is that I am a mom to 5 children. My memory has ran away. I have to leave myself notes in order to remember things. I block out so much that I forget pretty much everything. I don't know how to get past that. It's pretty bad, I keep forgetting appointments and even punching in at work. I will have to call the dr. soon to see if their is something I can do about it.

Anyway, sob, sob for me, I just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive and kicking and struggling with life. I am still constantly thinking of all my baby loss mommies and the struggles they must be having.

Lots of love,

Apologies

2011-07-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

I want to say sorry to everyone. I haven't been able to get on-line becuase my computer hasn't been working. Well we got it working, not the best, but we have internet access. I hope I will be able to get on-line now and use this blog to get my feelings out instead of letting them fester with my fake happiness so people won't know I'm hurting.

Sorry......no wait, I'm not sorry.

2011-01-31T00:19:00.001-06:00

I have been trying hard to get on-line to post but it is just too hard lately. I am working and trying to keep my mind occupied. It's been working for the most part but I am now back to staying up late. I have been having dreams again horrible nightmares and when they aren't nightmares they are dreams of giving birth to T & T again. I find myself lucky to have given birth to them and having them a part of my life, it just hurts to keep reliving the births. It's such a draining feeling waking up again to no babies. The dream starts out wonderful and then my babies dye again! It's so hard to explain the feelings I feel. It feels great to be pregnant with them but so hard because they die.........again.

I am sorry that I haven't been on-line much but it's been hard. Wait I don't need to apologize, I have the right to feel how I feel. It's been hard. I keep seeing and hearing so many people that are pregnant and it just puts me back to that place when I was happy being pregnant with the babies. I loved being pregnant. I just loved being pregnant, it was such a wonderful feeling. I no longer feel that way. Being pregnant is just scary to me. I would love to have another baby but I just don't think that is going to happen. I just don't know if I could ever do that again.

So many things have been happening of late it has just stirred up so many feelings that I just feel alone again. Greg and I have a very odd sense of humor since the babies have died. We really need to make ourselves laugh somehow but not everyone sees it the same. Some people think we are shoving the babies death in their faces as well as others and all I have to say is.....SHUT THE FUCK UP. I live with the physical and emotional feelings of my babies death. You have never had to give birth to a baby that has died, you have never had to bury your child or for that matter children. I feel I am able to do what I want and say what I want with regard to my T & T. If you don't like it, too bad. This is my way of being able to parent them and if that's how I want to parent them that's how it's going to happen.

AAAAHHHHH, I feel a bit better now that I have gotten that out.

Many Hugs and Kisses Tred and Talya!!!!!!
I love your beautiful faces every day!

I'm just sad

2010-11-10T09:56:00.000-06:00

I ended up going to the dr. and they had to up my meds. I hate that I need to depend on medication to feel happy. I feel even worse that my poor kids have to deal with me. I love all my kids so much and miss them when I don't see them. I got a new job and have been sad at the fact that I am not able to be home when they get home. I miss tht time I have with them before they have their sports. I miss everything. I had to leave work yesterday becuase I was sick and I am sick again today and have not stopped crying. I hate being alone here at home and hate that my little guy is going to day care, I just hate it. I miss them when they are at school, I miss them always. I wish I had more friends, I wish I could spend more time with my husband. I just am so sad.

Liar, Liar pants on fire.....

2010-10-26T00:27:00.000-05:00

Yep that's me..........a liar. I didn't get to my appointment. I had to reschedule due to the wrong time. Was it on purpose or accident. I really don't know which it was. I had a certain time stuck in my head and it was in the afternoon. The actual appointment was in the morning and I completely missed it. Did I feel bad that I missed it no, I was just pissed that I had to go there again. WTF was/is my problem. Hey Angie, show up to a room full of pregos just to reschedule your appointment and show up to a room full of pregos again! Anyway so here I go again, I have an appointment set up for this week which should have been done 6 months ago.

On a different subject. Why does is the old saying, when it rains it pours always happen to us. Well in the last 3 months my dog has had to have surgery 2 times. He has had an abscess in 2 different areas on his body, this is not a cheap surgery and to have it happen 2 times is really putting everything in jeopardy.

I am looking for work but there is something different. Before the babies passed, I was able to land any job. Now its just not happening. It feels as though I have a sign on my head that says "you don't want to hire her, she had 2 babies die, she's an emotional wreck at times, and her memory is crap". My zest for fun in life is gone and it seems to show to everyone. I hope something happens soon, things need to turn around at some point doesn't it???

Back to the babies, I had a huge melt down the other day. I have no idea why, but just looking at Talya's picture just made me break down. I am still struggling with the WHY. How do you get over that question? I know their is no answer but the perfectionist in me wants one and I don't want be let go until I have one. Actually I refuse to let go of the WHY question. Since the babies have passed away, I feel the need to mother them. I need to protect them. I need to keep their memory alive. I need to continue to ask WHY so I am able to mother them. Excuse me, but FUCK. How do you fix that. I know it's not healthy but I feel I need to do it. I feel they deserve the right to know as well. Why did they pass away before their parents. The questions without answers are the hardest part.

Could the continued black cloud over our house be around because I haven't gone back to church in over 2 years. Yep that's right 2 years. I am still having a hard time with forgiving. This isn't how things are supposed to go with our family. Bad things just keep happening and it isn't fun. I just wonder if the bad things are happening to punish us for not going to church. Of course others will say no but then why? There I go again, wanting an answer. *SIGH* I better stop before my head explodes.

Blah..........

2010-10-12T10:24:00.002-05:00

That is how I can say how I feel today. This is the first official day of going to my yearly appointment after losing Talya. Ya, it's been more than a year but I couldn't get myself to go. I have rescheduled a few times (3 to be exact) and now I have to go. I'm putting off, I just don't want to go. I hate GYN appointments more than words can express. I hate sitting in the waiting room with women with babies and women that are pregnant. It's just uncomfortable for me. I've had to meet with my GYN a few times but not for the dreaded yearly. They no longer bring you back to a room ASAP because, well it's been longer than 6 weeks. I remember going back to the Dr. 6 weeks after having Tred and Talya and I was whisked back so I didn't have to sit in the waiting room, not it's pretty much as I'm treated by many friends, it's been a year, you're fine. HA HA HA, what does fine mean, it sure isn't me. Yes I can, more than likely, make it through sitting in the waiting room, it's that notion that people think that I'm "FINE" now. If it were only true. BLAH!!!!!

Also tomorrow it would have been Tred's due date two years ago. Gosh the days that stick in my head. I know all of my children's due dates and none of them were born on them, some were close but none were born on them. October is especially a hard month. It would have been Tred's due date and P was very excited to share a birth month with her brother. It's also P's birthday that she was to share with her grandma. She even asked if she can have a birthday party at the cemetery. I told her that since she doesn't have school that day, we will go celebrate with cupcakes and Pepsi (Linda's favorite drink).

Anyway, off to get ready to go to the crappiest type of appointment, BLAH!

I miss you Tred and Talya

2010-08-20T20:58:00.001-05:00

I miss you both so much. I'm sure you hear me talking about you all the time. I've been able to talk about you a few times and not cry. I'm getting there! I hope you are being good and playing with all the other babies in heaven. I also hope you having a wonderful time with Grandma.
Sleep tight babies and know Daddy, Mommy, B, P and E miss and love you!

It's been a while

2010-08-03T14:18:00.002-05:00

Well I have been on a break from the blogger world and from my blogger friends.....really for no apparent reason. I was contacted by e-mail, (thanks Annie) checking to see if I am alright because I haven't been on-line in a while. To Annie and others wanting to know, I am fine. Just going through my ups and downs, that's all.

I have been busy and have been working on my disbelief in life. I have to say I still get angry and frustrated at the complaining about babies being awake or hearing people say they are tired because they are awake with a baby....I just decide to bite my tongue and not engage in reading, writing or listening. This seems to be the only thing that works so I don't get angry. Why is it so hard too see others joyous...because they have what I want. No I don't want their baby or their lives, I want my living babies, that's all.

I still have my dreams of giving birth to the babies but they aren't as gut wrenching as they have been. Now when I dream them they have a white cloud like frame around the dreams which, when I wake up, makes me think that the babies are softening the hurt.

I don't believe when people say it gets easier, I think excruciating pain lessens but then is rears it ugly head on those special days of what could have been. I think about both children at all times and think of what they would be doing at the ages they are at. It breaks my heart that we as a family won't be able to enjoy watching them grow and watch them fight with their brothers and sisters, yes that's right fight. Our kids do that and even though it's not right that they fight, it's a joy to see them alive and trying to fix their problems with each other.

On a lighter note, the kids are talking about Tred and Talya more often. They are missing them so much and saying such nice things about them. They have all asked if we are going to have another baby and that they want one but I don't know how to answer that. I have told a few people that I would like to have another baby but then I get it thrown in my face by saying, I thought you weren't going to do that again and Why would you do that again, haven't you been through enough. It pissed me off at first and then it just made me sad that these people don't know me as well as I thought. It's really not any one's place to judge me and my family as these people have never been through what we have been through. We have lost a lot of friends and family over their selfishness of not wanting to deal with our babies dying.

All of my love is for my husband and children. We are the ones that live with losing our baby boy and baby girl and my poor children have lost a brother and sister. If you don't want to support us then STFU and say out of our lives. We are fine without your judgements!!!!

I miss you!

2010-07-04T00:35:00.002-05:00

I miss you Tred and Talya. Holidays are so hard to deal with. I miss you both so much and wish you were here with us. I Love you both and hope you are exicted to see the fireworks in the sky. I wish you were watching them with us.......I Love You Tred......I Love You Talya......Say HI to Grandma for us!!

Thank you!!!!!

2010-06-22T15:17:00.006-05:00

A big Thank you to those that have made things with Tred and Talya's name. It means so much to see their name written pretty much on anything. It really means alot knowing things were made and done specifically for them! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I hope I didn't forget anyone's website. I am so very thankful for

Amanda ~ Ireland's mom
http://namesinthestars.blogspot.com/

Waterfall Angels
Lisa – Jasper’s mom
http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/2010/02/talya-and-tred.html

Wall of Angels
Cara & hubby – mom of Emma Grace
http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/2009/10/nearly-to-ceiling.html

Angel baby names:
Laura – Cara’s mom
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/2010/04/talya.html
http://angelbabynames.blogspot.com/2010/04/tred.html

Abiding Hope collages
Franchesca ~ mom of Jenna Belle
http://www.hopecollage.org/2010/04/tred.html
http://www.hopecollage.org/2010/04/tayla.html

Angel Wings
Lea - mom to Nicholas
http://angelwingsmemorialboutique.blogspot.com/2010/05/tred-and-talya.html

My Baby Butterfly Ella
Bree ~ mom to Ella
http://butterflybaby15.blogspot.com/2009/06/ellas-parade-of-butterflies.html

Names on the sidewalk
Tiffany ~ mom to Genesis
http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/2010/06/tred-talya.html

Treasure from my heart
Grandma to Alessa Rose
http://treasurefrommyheart.blogspot.com/2010/04/talya-and-tred.html

Sara ~ Callia’s mom and K Family for writing my babies names in the sand!

I wish some days I never woke up

2010-06-08T13:55:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days. I thought things were supposed to get easier. Nope that is wrong. I don't see any light at the end of any tunnel or being able to come out of a tunnel at all. I have been so unhappy with life and things for a while now and each day that passes it seems to be getting worse. My children are pretty much self sufficient and they really don't need me to much of anything with them or for them for that matter. My marriage, well that's falling apart as well. I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore.

2 years

2010-06-05T15:55:00.003-05:00

I miss you so much Tred. It's been 2 years sine you went to heaven and I missed you every. You were such a fighter and I am so proud of youu for that. I am so happy you are my son and I am your mommy. I hope to see you again some day. Happy Birthday and I love you more than words!

Glad it was a sunny day.

2010-05-17T01:53:00.003-05:00

I say that sarcastically. I am glad it was a sunny day because I was able to wear sunglasses to hide the puffiness in my eyes. Yes I had been crying. I went to a children's birthday party and their were 2 new moms that I know talking about their babies birthday and how the hospital put them right on their chest and the baby start to breast feed and on and on....I just broke down. This is the first in a long time that I have cried. I had to go to my van because I just couldn't stop. This was the gut wrenching, hard time breathing crying that I experienced the day I found out out Tred and Talya had died. I was amazed that my husband, bless him, came up to the van to see where I was. He asked me what I was doing and I said nothing (why bother him with my worries and bring him down when he was having fun). he then asked if I was OK and I said ya and he gave me a hug and I just lost it again. I was a complete mess. I could barely catch my breath I was crying so hard. It's so frustrating that family doesn't understand my pain. I am having a hard time talking with people that haven't experienced this. I am able to talk to family but they just don't understand. I'm sure they are thinking in the back of their head that I am really needing to get over their deaths but I just can't. Everything reminds me of the babies and I mean everything. It is so hard to live in the moment when my my moments were taken and robbed from me.

The thins that really keep me going are my husband and children. I am so thankful to have them but yet I am so sad that they have to deal with me. I am so sad, I am not looking my best, I feel yucky and I just give off a vibe I don't want. I have said before that I am just not doing my living children justice and it just feels that way most of the time. I just don't know what else to do with my heart aching as much as it does.

On a bright note, E made a song today at the cemetary and it really was a good song. He kept singing it while we were visiting the babies and it was just so fitting. My love for those babies is so strong that I just don't know what to do with it anymore. I am so glad my husband and kids and I are able to talk about the babies and be happy and sad all at the same time.

Meaningful things make me happy and excited.

2010-05-15T15:30:00.002-05:00

I am excited that I now have 2 followers on my other blog and one person that has already given me their baby's birthday information. I don't get excited that often but it makes my heart wam to know that I can do something to brighten someone's day.

http://wingsonroses.blogspot.com/

Why do my feelings turn on me

2010-05-07T22:55:00.003-05:00

I have been feeling good (good as in not crying every second of the day) and then you get those blows of emotions that literally knock you to your knees. Yes I had a good day overall but then I was thinking of some things and how some feel I should be over my grief of losing my children. I should not be uncomfortable or angry at being around pregnant people. I guess those are the same people that think I shouldn't celebrate any birthdays because they aren't here to enjoy them. Well I would like to say to them STFU!!!!! You have absolutely no idea what my husband, children and myself are going through. My children lost a brother and sister that they will never get to teach the fun things that brothers and sisters teach each other. My husband and I lost two children and had to bury them which is the most excruciating thing in the world to do. Why can't you just STFU and let me deal with my grief the way I want to deal with it. I don't judge you on how you handle tough issues, all I do is listen and I expect the same. If you think I should be over things than get out of my life because I will never be over losing my babies.....EVER!

2010-04-23T13:06:00.003-05:00

As I was sitting and thinking about the babies, I sadly realized that I would have two 1 year olds playing with the older kids. It is so sad that they aren't here for us to listen to them giggle, scream when they are stuck, all of the fun stuff that 1 year olds do.

I need your heavenly babies special info.....

2010-04-20T10:30:00.004-05:00

As I sit here and ponder the lack of support us parents that have had a child pass, I would like to get your babies special information. I would like to send you a card letting you know that I remember.

http://wingsonroses.blogspot.com/

Right now I don't have a badge (I don't know how to make one), but this site is up and running.

I said it before and I will say it again,

2010-04-19T22:18:00.003-05:00

You really know who your friends and family are when you have lost a child. I am so ashamed to even know some people I call family and friends. Talya's birthday came and some family I believe only helped us celebrate because they were told about her celebration. If we didn't invite them they would never had known (this I know as tey all forgot Tred's birthday last year). Then their are people I considered friends back in the day that I lost contact with and then reconnected with and now after hearing what has happened to me and our family, they no longer talk to me or even leave messages on this blog or even one of those messaging sites. I just don't get it. If it were someone else that has gone through losing a child and I knew about it, I would be trying to find information for them and post to them on their special days and even send a card to their home.

I JUST DON'T GET IT. Yes I am a mom of 3 living children. Yes I am a mom of 2 children that died. GET OVER YOURSELF AND PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES ONCE. IT IS A LONELY, LONELY LIFE AND ALL I WANT ARE FRIENDS.

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Talya!!!

2010-04-10T00:02:00.002-05:00

What a rough year this has been without you. I miss you so much baby girl. I wish you were here with us. The kids miss you every day and talk about you and Tred. I am so heart broken that you are gone. I wish I could turn back time and have you here. I love you more than anyone will ever know. I love you, love you, love you Princess Talya.

I wish people would understand

2010-04-01T00:01:00.003-06:00

I wish more people would understand how I feel. I don't want them to go through what I have been through, I just wish they would understand. Yes it still hurts to see babies, yes it hurts to see pregnant women and yest I know it will take time but I will heal on my time not your time.

Can we just erase days.

2010-03-17T13:10:00.003-06:00

I really wish I could erase some days. I am having a hard time with how things are going in my life. I was never a big person and I am now. I have tried to stay on a diet but I feel of a few weeks ago. I have gained 2lbs which isn't a lot but it's a lot to me. I wish their was a pill that would just make me thin, or a pill that would stop me from wanting to constantly eat. If I had a baby I wouldn't be eating all the time, I'd be chasing babies all over the house. Why are eating and emotions tied together. I have picked up a few things that I just haven't been able to do because I just can't get my damn mind organized. F&*( you food and the emotions that come with it.

Alright now that I got that out, I do really need to figure out how to set up an exercise routine. I have become a fat, lazy non-caring person that really just doesn't give a shit, but I know that won't get me very far. Where do I begin.........

And it happened again.

2010-03-15T22:31:00.003-06:00

We went to the cemetary on our weekly visits and it happened again. Their is a chunk taken out of Tred's headstone. It happened last year and now this year. I am getting so pissed off. All I have left of Tred is his headstone and the cemetary has broken it twice. Why is it so hard for the grounds crew to realize that this is a baby location and it should be treated with care. The spot that was broken last year is now all scuffed up. Hopefully they will fix it fast and fix it right as well as fixing the scuff marks.

Blah

2010-02-24T00:06:00.003-06:00

Yet another day of feeling just Blah. I am still on a diet and obviously feel off by having a few meals that I should not have had. I have had a somach ache since having that food. I know I shouldn't eat that food becuase it always gives me a stomach ache. I feel as though I am never hungry and am constantly eating. I eat more when I am emotional and boy am I ever emotional.

My lovely Auntie Cherly passed away over the weekend and my emotions are just out of wack. I am back to staying up late becuse I just hate dreaming and nothing has been taking those dreams away. I just want to have a peaceful sleep. I am so sad that my poor kids keep having to deal with death. Who thought is was fair for them to go through this kind of hurt again, or for that matter to see me hurt. I am just having a heck of a time lately and I know it's becuae Talya's one year is just around the corner.

WHY CAN'T LIFE BE EASY!!!!

SIGH

2010-02-13T00:10:00.004-06:00

I am just feeling so sad today. I really shouldn't but some days my heart just hurts so bad I become sad. I am so angry, sad and jealous when I hear someone say or see that someone is pregnant. I just want that to be me, I want that announcement. Actually, I just want to turn back time and change the past. On top of my feelings, I didn't complete a school assignment because I just wasn't giving myself enough time, now I feel like yet again a failure. I wish I could have things back to where they were. I want my babies back, I want my memory back, I want my everything back.

Tred and Talya, please give me strength to function day-to-day. I am struggling.

Took some time off

2010-01-19T11:02:00.012-06:00

I have taken some time off from blogging becuase I made some changes in my life. I am going back to school becuase the silence of sitting at home doing the same thing day after day, has just been too much. The time I have while E is at school just makes me sad. He may very well be our last child to enter school and it just hurts. I so badly want a baby, not to replace Tred or Talya, but because that is what I was supposed to be doing right now.

I really hate being in that bad feeling place. I am not a fun person to be around. My emotions turn at the drop of a hat. I have a horrible memory and just feel as though I am doing my living children no justice. My children are more responsible than their mother, that's just not right. I can't sleep at night, and when I get to sleep I have nighmares and when it's time to wake up I can't get myself up. I am afraid of those damn sleeping pills so I just don't take them.

Again, back to the school thing. I started school again to keep my self overly busy. For the most part I am doing well. I've gotten a few good responses on my papers but it still doesn't seem like I've done good enough. I've also started dieting and have lost 5lbs to-date and it's not even exiciting. I have lost myself as a person in losing my children. I was hoping that at some point I would get my happiness back but I just haven't. I put on a front for people becuase I have to. I don't like to seem weak or that I can't handle things but in actuality, I can't. I am just at a loss as to what I am supposed to do in life.

*SIGH* No need to come to my pity party. This is just my life now.

Life

2009-12-11T21:12:00.003-06:00

In the midst of losing our babies and feeling sad, anger and every feeling that goes along with losing children, my MIL passed away. She passed away of a brain aneurysm. I am so sad that she has left us but am selfishly happy that she is taking care of the babies. If we parents aren't able to care for our babies in heaven, who better than grandparents. I can just feel the comfort of knowing she is taking good care of them but, as usual, here on earth our family is sad. Sad that we don't have her with us and sad for me, since she was the one from that side that really helped me and talked to me about the babies, the one that cared how our family felt. It feels as though we are just sailing through life wondering what tragic thing will happen next. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have my children think like that.

I am thinking of changing churches in order get myself to go and speak with a spiritual person. I am so lost in my faith that I just don't know where to start. I am wiped out emotionally and have fallen off my course of daily living. I know need to make a daily list of what needs to be done and I have never had to do it to the point that I have to remind myself to dust or make lunch. I am so no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life and that scares me. I have no idea if anymore children will be in my future since everyone is not wanting to take a risk again for fear of failure to produce a living child. I so badly want to have another child, not to take the place of either Tred or Talya, but to be able to hold my baby and watch them grow to be adults. Isn't life full of chances? I am definitely not ready to have another child right now but would love to be able to make that decision.

ANGER

2009-12-03T15:56:00.003-06:00

I have been busy with sad things going on but had to come here to vent. I am so angry at people right now I just feel horrible. I have been asking family and friends to remember our babies by helping do things like our memorial walk and volunteer work making things in memory of our babies for a non-profit foundation. Some family just isn't their for us or our babies. Really, one little thing is all I ask and I can't even get that. WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO. I have never hated those people more than I do today.

What a rough week.

2009-10-13T22:35:00.002-05:00

On October 10th my little Talya would have been 6 months old. I can't believe I have had to take this milestone again with tears of sorry instead of tears of joy. I just keep thinking about what could have been. Payton would have her sister that she so desperately wants (she asked for a sister for her birthday this year). When I look at her pictures I just don't understand the reasoning in why she had to die. The Whys will never stop for me, I just hurt so badly in my heart. I want to hold her, kiss her pouty lips, stroke her hair on my cheek. The song "one more day" keeps going around and around in my head.

Today is also another hard day. A year ago today was supposed to be Tred's due date. Again the what could have beens keep swirling in my head. Why did he have to catch something that I was exposed to so many years ago and never caught. Instead I catch it while I'm pregnant and he gets sick and dies. It just makes me so angry that my poor child is gone and my other one had to deal with the stress of feeling as though it was his fault.

I look at all of my children and see such beautiful wonderful people that have had to deal with so much sadness in their short lives. I hear people complain that their children are horrible and yes mine have been not so nice at times as well and I just think of how wonderful it would feel to tell Tred or Talya, the dreaded words "NO" or tell someone they are driving me crazy. I never want to take my children for granted for they are my everyday miracles. I have time with all of them and as mad as they make me, I am so proud to be their mom and hope they feel the same about me.

I am so thankful that I was able to hold, touch, caress, and see every part of my beautiful babies but can only wish I could turn back time to have them with me. Not many people get to hold such beautiful angels but I got to hold 2 and I'm sure they are making a ruckus in heaven becuase that's what my children do and I love them for being that way.

I lied

2009-09-23T21:46:00.003-05:00

I lied. I had all intentions of working on the announcements but didn't. I decided to start something that couldn't be interrupted - Laundry. Yes it could be interrupted but it was just another excuse. UUUGGGHHHH. Why do I make it so hard. I am doing myself no justice just sitting on them and stopping the inevitable. I sit here looking at her picture and she is just beautiful and the thank-you cards have both Tred and Talya on them. We didn't do announcements for Tred because it was so new and we didn't know what to do and now I feel like we are pros at it, which doesn't feel good at all. Anyway, I have everything on the counter looking at me so I am going to dig in and get it done. I need to do this for her and for myself.

Still haven't finished announcements

2009-09-17T15:17:00.002-05:00

OK. I made Talya's birth announcements and I still haven't sent them out or thank-you's. I am so afraid to finish these as these will be the last thing I need to do to tie me to doing something for her. I sit and look at the announcements and invitations and I just can't get myself to do them. I don't want anyone else to do them either. This is my job, it's just a hard job. I am hoping I can do a few of them this week, but of course their are no guarantees.

Up Late

2009-09-01T00:55:00.003-05:00

Up late again. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to sleep normal.

Just babbling

2009-08-23T23:03:00.002-05:00

Well I had gotten my results back from the dr. and I am a "colonized" meaning I am a GBS carrier. The bacteria will come and go and if (a big if) I get pregnant I will need to be on antibiotics the entire pregnancy, this can raise other issues as well. I also test positive for high levels of homocysteine which can cause clotting problems so again if I get pregnant I will have to be on baby asprin and Lovenox, which is a shot. So "if" I get pregnant again I will need to be monitored (per my dr) monitored like a hawk. I don't know if I could ever do this again. My gosh, I would love to have another baby but I don't know if I could do it to this extent and my fear, depression and anxiety would be through the roof.

On another note, I sent the kids off to Camp Erin over the weekend and they loved it. B was not looking forward to it until we pulled in and he saw everything that he would be able to do. P was excited but anxious. She felt sick a few times but thankfully she never got sick. They had a meeting to tell the parents that the kids would be crabby from lack of sleep and talking about their grief. They were not kidding. I have never seen my daughter so angry in my life. She threw so many tempertantrums and said a few things that made me cry. I was so sad at some of the things she said that it hurt to even talk to her. I know she has a bad temper but to say what she said was just so upsetting. We were in the car and she was fighting with her brothers (totally normal). When Greg and I told them to stop fighting and to keep their hands to themselves, she went crazy. She was screaming, yelling and said she doesn't care about anyone, even Tred and Talya. I just burst out in tears, I was (and still am) sad that she would say this.

Anyway, I am having one of those weekends, missing the kids when they went to cam and have them coming back in a bad mood just makes things sad.

WTF is wrong with me.

2009-08-07T22:04:00.003-05:00

I am so angry at myself. I was goig through some papers to send to my new GYN and I was getting the others ready to put in the kids baby books, which by the way sucks. I went downstairs to get the books and 1 is missing. I can't find Tred's book. I know it was there, where else could it be. Why where their 4 books and 1 missing. I have no idea where it is and now can't sleep becuase I can't find it. I've been crying for a hour and just have no idea where it is. I wrote things in their that I knew I would forget and all of his paperwork from the cemetary and funeral home and now I have nothing. Please pray that I find it.

****UPDATE****
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I found Tred's baby book. It was put into one of the containers that was holding pictures. Thank you Again!!!

Long Night

2009-08-01T09:17:00.004-05:00

I don't know why I started but I did. I got things together to give back to their original owners. It was so hard because I had things I purchased and made for Talya and wasn't going to use any of them. I cried and cried and DH said you don't have to do this and I said it's got to get done at some point so I might as well finish. We both sad hugging each other and cried. I opened a bag of things that we had from the hospital and I could still smell her in the hat she had on, but put the things back in the bag to seal in her smell. UUUGGGHHH. Why can't this just be easy. I don't understand and never will why we have to go through this.

I also got some results back from my dr. office. I changed OB/GYN's after Talya passed away because I didn't feel comfortable at my dr. anymore. Well my new (she wasn't totally new, I had her when I delivered E) GYN decided to do some blood work and check for the bacteria infection again. Well becuase of the clots that I had 2 days before I delivered Talya as well as the day she passed away, she wanted to check on some blood clotting disorders. Well needless to say, I have a bacterial infection AGAIN!!!!. I am on antibiotics now and am hoping this may explain my being tired. I also got the results back on my homocysteine levels and they are high. This is one of the genetic blood test result so I will be going back in for some genetic testing and I'm sure some diet changes and more medication to make sure things go back to normal.

UGH, what a week I feel physically and mentally drained.

Just when we start to feel ok.

2009-07-30T22:48:00.002-05:00

My husbands family forgets his birthday. I mean really, how the hell do you forget a family members birthday. That is 2 birthdays in 2 months that his family has forgotten. WTF is wrong with them. I feel so sad for him, I could see it in his face that he was hoping one of them would call and say something. I have to say yes his mom and dad remembered but the others didn't. He is closer with the other than he is with his parents so I know it hurt. He even talked to the others today and not one of them said anything. Honestly what a bunch of fucking idiots.

I am so disappointed in his family. When he really needs them, they aren't their for him. Too bad you can't pick your family. I bought him an extra card just to let him know I love him. How sad to be forgotten when this past year has been a living hell for him and myself.

I am just crying and can't believe how shitty this is for him.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREG!!!!

2009-07-30T09:46:00.003-05:00

Happy birthday to my husband Greg. What a great guy he is. Through all that we have been through he is still in it for the long run with me. He's means more to me than he knows. Today I am getting Talya's name added to my tattoo. What a great husband to share his day with me and be ok with me doing something so big on his day.

I love you Greg, I hope you have a wonderful day!

sigh - just getting things out.

2009-07-27T23:03:00.005-05:00

I hate these kind of nights. I see pictures of babies and families with their babies and they are so happy. I wish it was me being happy with my babies. It really brings up a new meaning of they grow up fast. I am remembering back when B, P and E were babies and I wish I would have savored the time more. I miss every little thing they did from waking up at night (that never bothered me waking up feeding and holding them) to crawling, walking and their little giggles. I wish I could have that again.

We also visited the cemetary and Talya's headstone came in. It's so nice to go to the cemetary and visit both children and have both of their names visable. I never thought visiting my babies in a cemetary would be part of our life, and whomever thought and said "life sucks" is right.

Do you find it weird to give your child a title of sort. I like to think that Tred would be a loving, caring and compassionate little boy. I think he would have been a book worm and not into sports like the other boys. I like to think that Talya would be an outspoken little girl that is a tom boy but she likes to look pretty as well. I can't help but think how similar they would be to their siblings.

*sigh* That's all for tonight, I just am having one of those nights.

Do things ever survive.

2009-07-20T11:33:00.002-05:00

With losing 2 babies so close together I wonder if things will survive, like my marriage. Greg and I don't talk much at all. He is very distant with me and I just wonder if our marriage will survive. I've told him how I feel, I've told him that I need him to talk to me, I've pretty much told him many things and I get nothing back.

I wonder if things will work out between us.

UGH, I just hate that.

2009-07-17T09:57:00.003-05:00

I just hate getting my "monthly friend". Just a sad reminder of what I don't have. I wish I could just have it come and not have that lingering effect of feeling sad. I know it's not a thing to throw a party about but it's something that would just come and go and it's part of life but now it's just something I hate and dread getting. BLAH.

Dream or Nighmare?

2009-07-13T08:22:00.003-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days where it seems as though you are living a dream or a horrible nighmare. I am so glad to have met my angel babies but I am so angry that they are not with us. My living children were robbed of growing up with their sister and brother and it makes me so sad they have had to deal with the death of their brother and sister at such a young age.

I have a hard time getting to sleep becuase when I do I dream that the kids and Greg die and I'm left alone or I re live giving birth to Tred and Talya. Someday it will be a wonderful dream to relive their births but right now it just hurts more than words can say.

Somedays I just feel their is no light at the end of the tunnel, I just want to be happy again.

My records

2009-07-07T22:28:00.004-05:00

I decided today was the day to go back to the clinics and order my files. I've decided to seek a different OBGYN. Although I feel my treatment could have been different, I just want to return to have my "stuff" looked at by my old clinic. Why did I leave them? It was more convienent for me to have someone not far away. Boy was that a stupid decision. New clinc 2 babies passed away. Well, I am going to my old clinic but at a different location which is further away. I may end up changing that one as well depending on the results of my appt. I want to make sure I get the care I want, not what they want. I am going to see my old dr. and have a consult with her about everything that I have went through and how things will go in the future. If I like what I hear I will stay, if I don't like what I hear, I will be seeking a different dr.

Which brings me to my records. I had to order them to bring with me to my appt. I went to every dr. I had appts with from MFM drs to my breast ultrasounds and mammograms and my obgyn. Well seeing these records just brings back information that I just didn't want to hear when I was face to face with the dr.s. I had to see a MFM dr. to see what a future pregnancy would contain (that is if I ever have another child). Well seeing the words "Given the maternal sepsis as well as infection of the fetal compartment and fetal organs it is unlikely that the baby would have done well even if there were no nuchal cord." Yes, they are saying if Talya was born alive, she may not have survived. That's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that a virus made baby Tred pass away and then pretty much knowing that GBS was what took Talya's life.

I will be getting the remainder of my records in the weeks to come. I don't know what I will find or what they will say but I will always cherish these papers because they are the only things I left from Tred and Talya's life.

Just Thinking

2009-07-01T15:51:00.003-05:00

When will the why's stop. I keep running over them in my mind. WHY, WHY, WHY. Why do I feel so alone. Nomatter who I am around I just feel so alone. My poor children. Will they always remember their mom as being sad. I try I really do but it's so sad to see them questioning things that I just don't have answers for. What if in the future they choose not to have children because of their brother and sister dying. I don't want that to deter them from having children if that is something they want.

On another note, I have decided to stop talking and being around people that are selfish in my sorrow. I do have the right to be mad that someone is pregant, I do have the right to be upset that someone has a baby, I have the right to be angry and sad, but its MY RIGHT. It is nothing agaist anyone, IT'S ME. I need to work past these issues and I would greatly appreciate not being condemed or made to feel guility for losing my babies.

Noone will ever know the pain I feel unless you have been a mom that has lost her baby.

LOVING YOU TRED AND TALYA!

Hurt

2009-06-26T13:10:00.002-05:00

I am so sad and hurt that I am unable to tell people my feelings without feeling guilty. I am trying to heal this horrible aching in my heart. I've decided it may be better to just keep my feelings to myself because now all i've done is upset people with telling them how I feel. I guess the saying is true. You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

Missing you every day Tred and Talya!

Could my babies be telling me something

2009-06-18T13:18:00.007-05:00

I love roses, yellow ones with a bit of orange or just plain yellow ones are my favorite. Well all of my rose bushes are blooming, even the ones that we thought we'd have to replace. I can only think that my babies are making the roses grow.

Large dark pink rose bush.

This pink rose bush bloomed before the dark pink above.

The yellow roses that used to only get one or two blooms

This is my dark pink rose that was going to get pulled out this year, low and behold it's got roses.

UUUGGGHHHHH

2009-06-14T23:51:00.002-05:00

This morning I was feeling fine, now I am just feeling like crap. I've been crying off and on all evening and ovbiously can't sellp. I just want to rewind time.

Talya's birth story

2009-06-11T23:31:00.004-05:00

As I am looking back and reading posts from when I started my blog I realized that I had Tred's birth story but I never posted Talya's story. Here is her story:

Talya's brith came as a big surprise to us. We found out we were pregnant in August. We had just lost our precious Tred to stillbirth and we weren't trying to get pregnant but someone else has other plans. I conceived Talya in June, one month after Tred passed away. My pregnancy was fine and full of fear. We waited to tell people as long as we could and finally told everyone and they were probably as fearful as we were but we made it past the 21 week mark (when Tred passed away) and things were going fine.

As Talya's due date approached fear kicked in. In the last week of March I started losing my mucus plug and this was a new thing so I got nervous. I called the dr. and they said it was normal. I had weekly exams and after I had an exam the first week of April I had some spotting, the dr.s again said this was normal.

The following week was the most devestating week of our lives. I had a dr. appt. on April 8th becuase I woke up to some blood clots. I went in to the dr. and the bleeding stopped. They check my cervix and their was old blood not new. They said it again was normal. I was dialated to a 3 and 70% effaced and they said things may happen on their own (my other pregnancies were induced). The next morning on the 9th I woke again with blood clots. I called the dr. and they sent me to L & D and Talya and I were monitored for 3 hours. Her heart rate was lower than normal but it was within the normal range. She moved when I ate and the bleeding again had stopped and it was checked and it looked as though it was old blood again. I went home and no more clots or bleeding.

The next day on the 10th was the worst day of our lives (as well as Tred's passing). I awoke to more clots and a bit bigger and with that I also didn't feel Talya moving. I ate, I poked I did everything I could think of to make her move and their was nothing. My sister called and I told her I had to go to the dr. becuase I was bleeding again, I didn't want to alarm anyone so I rushed off the phone and I quick called the dr. and they called about 5 minutes later but if felt like hours and had me go to L & D again.

We got to the hospial and they looked for her hearbeat and they couldn't find it. The nurse was so nice she said that sometimes they don't find it right away becuase of the movement. I knew something was wrong. They called in another nurse and still couldn't find it so they said they would do an ultrasound, by then I new our little girl was gone. They brought in an ultrasound machine and it confirmed our worst nightmare, Our precious little girl had passed away at 38 weeks. I looked at Greg and said I couldn't do this again. We both hugged eachother and cried. Everyone left the room and left us to cry. The dr. and nurse came back in after a while and told us we were not leaving, that we were going to have her today.

We were left with the daunting task of calling our family and friends again. I called my sister Heidi first becuase I new she could do the task of calling everyone else. All I could get out is that I was at the hospital and that we didn't have a heartbeat. All she could get out was "WHAT" and then I repeated myself. She asked if I wanted her up at the hospital and I said I don't care. I was in no way able to make any decisions but she did. She came up to the hospital in what felt like 2 seconds. I am so glad that she is my bestfriend and was able to be their for me when I really needed her. Greg then called his mom (she was watching the kids) and we asked her not to tell them becuase we wanted to do that. Greg then called his brothers and told them the devestating news. Greg then called the kids and told them what happened and that we wanted them to come up to the hospital after Talya was born to say goodbye to her. My parents were also at the hospital but were in another room. When the induction started it really started.

The next few hours went by quick. I was induced and was in full labor within an hour. The contractions hurt like hell and it felt like I was going to die. At the time I really hoped for that, not only did I have to endure the pain of losing another child but I was feeling the horrible labor pains and knowing what was going to happen. I was hurting so bad and asked several times for an epidural but things went so fast that by the time I got one it was already too late. I gave birth to our baby girl without any pain meds.

I gave birth to our little girl Talya Rose on April 10th at 1:58pm. She weighted 6lbs. 11oz and was 18 3/4 inches long. She was just beautiful. She looked just like her brothers and sister expect she had dark hair. We had many visitors but I wasn't able to see many of them come in. Immediatly after having Talya I got sick. I had a horrible fever, shakes and a headache. Again at that time I was just hoping I would fall asleep and never wake up. Emotional pain and physical pain just suck but having them at the same time is just unbearable.

I was lucky enought to have Heidi call some friends to let everyone know what happened and was very greatful for Heidi doing this. I was way too sick to make any calls and I don't even know if I could call anyone. After family and friends came to visit it was time to sleep, or dose off. I really didn't sleep I wanted to spend as much time with my girl as I could. Greg wen't home so he could get some sleep, but I found out later that he didn't sleep much either. The kids spent the night at Heidi's and Greg was alone. I was scared that he was alone becuase he had such a hard time with Tred passing that I was afraid he my drink himself to nothing. He did have a few drinks and was able to dose off through the night. My friend LeaAnna and Renee came to visit me at night and LeaAnna stayed the night with me. I am so thakful for those friends that are able to comfort me (I like to act tough and put up walls).

Our nurse had come in at night and did Talya's feet and hand prints and I was able to wash the ink off. What a great and horrible feeling that that I was able to give her, her first and last cleaning. The nurse had asked if I wanted a bassinet to put her in so I could sleep and I never answered her. I didn't want to put her in a bassinet, I wanted to hold her and rock her and just have her near me. I held her all night and was able to do so until the next day.

The next day I was going to be going home and we had to say goodby to our baby. I was dreading this time as I knew it would be hard. I took a shower as Greg sat on the bed and said his goodbyes. I got out of the shower and heard voices so I just finished getting dressed. I came out and Greg said I couldn't leave because I had a blood infection. So again I was at the hospital for another day. We said our goodbyes to Talya and they took her away. It was so hard to say goodbye again.

The only thing that was keeping us together was B, P and E and knowing that Talya would be in heaven with her big brother Tred. This has been a horrible year for our family and we can only hope that their is a reason to have 2 babies pass away in 10 months.

Sad week

2009-06-11T22:58:00.005-05:00

It was a sad week. It was so hard to belive that it's been a year since Tred passed away. I felt so alone this week. It seems that no-one really remembered Tred unless I reminded them of his birthday. It hurt so bad that some family members even forgot. Is it really that hard to acknowledge him. Just becuase Tred died doesn't mean he didnt exist.

I would love to have saw his name on one of the message boards and it not be me typing it. Do people that have never experienced a loss want to see the name of a baby that passed away on a message board. LIFE IS SO HARD, DEATH IS SO HARD.

*SIGH*

I love you!!!!! Happy Heavenly Birthday!

2009-06-05T00:24:00.003-05:00

:(

2009-06-02T20:31:00.002-05:00

I'm just sad and angry

2009-05-30T11:56:00.001-05:00

I'm sad and angry today.

I thought I could handle it

2009-05-28T16:59:00.003-05:00

I had to excuse myself from a board I frequent because I just can't handle all of the posts of people having babies and how tired they are and how they want their babies to sleep. I just can't handle seeing everyone so happy. I mean isn't the world supposed to stop because we are sad!!!

I feel like telling the tired and sleepy complainers to SHUT THE F-UP!!! I would trade you in a heart beat to be in your position. I mean are you kidding, your complaining about being tired and wanting your baby to sleep when their is me that would just die for that.

OK, now that I got that out I can resume my day!

Today

2009-05-26T23:08:00.002-05:00

Well I had to get yet another ultrasound and mammogram for a lump under my armpit. I was told to be their 1/2 before my appt and I did. Unfortunatley they were running late so it took 20 minutes to get in after my appt time. While waiting, of course, a woman and her newborn came in from the hospital. It just doesn't end. I felt so uncomfortable and I think the staff could see it. They called me in and I had to wait in the "other" waiting room after getting into a hospital gown. Then they asked me questions about when I first felt the lump. I had to think of how to answer that question. I pretty much just told her I felt it April 20th. I really didn't want to go into more so I just picked a date. It felt nice to not have to explain what happened to a complete stranger.

I laughed pretty hard tonight at something DH and I were talking about. It felt good to laugh but the sadness still overshadows that one good laugh. Things are going a bit better but when they seem to start to go and feel better, something always happens.

I hate thinking in such a negative way but I don't know anything different. I don't think I am being too negative around the kids but I really don't know. The older kids are at school and I hate it but I also go crazy when they are home. I have E here with me all day but he really is so independant but has his moments. He really is a mama's boy and I am so glad becuase it makes me feel so good at the things he says even though he may not know what it means.

I am feeling so lost. I thought I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up and now I don't know. I know I would like to work again, but just don't know what field of work to go into. The economy sucks so what field of work do you choose? I don't even know what I am good at anymore. I would love to work from home but what would I do. Ya I can sew, but what do I sew that I can sell. I can make some jewelry but who wants homemade jewelry when they can buy top notch jewelry at home shows or from stores. I really would love to feel as though I am accomplishing something.

I am tomorrow may be the day that I order Talya's headstone. *SIGH* It makes me nervous and scared.

Sunday was nice

2009-05-25T22:44:00.002-05:00

Our Sunday visiting Tred and Talya was nice. It was emotional, as always, but nice. The kids were happy to see the balloons I put out, they said "I love you". We went to my sisters house to have dinner and it was nice hanging out with her and the kids. It's easier to not be sad when your around people.

I am not looking forward to this week. I have to go to the monument place and order Talya's headstone. I am so sad to have to do this.

I hate to be a broken record, but why did this happen to our family and to our babies?

F*&K You

2009-05-18T22:52:00.003-05:00

Why is it everytime I go anywhere I see pregnant women and babies. Is this a joke? If it is I don't find if funny at all. I was at gymnastics today and I was sitting right by a woman that had a new baby boy. I went to Target and every isle I went down their were pregnant women and babies galore. UUUUGGGHHHHHH. This is why I hate going anywhere. I feel as though I'm being punished.

I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin lately that I don't know if I'm crying becuase of that or if I'm crying because of feeling sad for losing the babies. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and I hate, hate hate shopping for clothes. I have a horrible hanging stomach and my boobs are a lot smaller than they were and I just hate how my clothes feel on me. I have nothing to show for looking the way I do and it just makes me feel even sadder and lonelier.

I am not taking my sleeping pills lately because I'm so afraid something is going to happen to the kids. I've had some pretty bad dreams (as though my life isn't a bad dream) about Greg and the kids while on the sleeping pills so I've stopped taking them. This just really sucks. Nights are horrible becuase it just leaves me to think about "what could have been", "what could I have done differently" "what will happen in the future".

The guilt of losing the kids is just eating at me. I know that everyone says it's not my fault but Fuck, that's my job as a mom. I am supposed to keep my babies safe and I didn't. I can't even keep the living kids safe. We've had stitches almost every other week, well yes I'm exaggerating but it sure feels like we've been to the ER every other week. I just keep going around in my head about things and it just makes me sick how this can happen. Was I that bad as a kid that God is paying me back? I just don't get it.

Can you die from a broken heart????? My heart hurts so bad on so many levels. Am I screwing up the lives of the kids becuase I'm so consumed with Tred and Talya being gone? UUUUGGGHHHH I just hate this second guessing myself constantly, I have totally lost who I was. Then their is that question, Who am I?

Why?????

2009-05-13T12:22:00.004-05:00

Why did this happen to Tred and Talya?
Why did this happen to us?
Why were we choosen?
Why did God do this to us?
Why is this a part of God's plan?
Why do we have to listen to people say stupid things?
Why am I being tortured?
Why do we have to be left suffering when we are good people?
Why do we have to endure this pain for the rest of our lives?
Why are OUR babies burried?
Why couldn't I have watched them grow?
Why is this considered life?
Why do I have to be the angry one?
Why do I have to be the resentful one?
Why do I have to be the bitter one?
Why do I have to be the sorrowful one?
Why do I have to wake up every morning just hoping to make it through the day?
Why do I have to go to bed at night dreading the next day?
Why do I have to spend so much time crying everyday?
Why are they in heaven and not with us?
Why are we being punished?
Why do I have to worry about having more children?
Why do I have to keep myself busy so I don't go crazy?
Why do people not know what to say or do in regards to this?
Why did this have to happen?
Why do I feel responsible for their deaths?
Why do I have to be the mom that lost 2 babies?
Why do I feel like crying when I see other babies?
Why does everyone say I have 3 health children as if my 2 babies didn't matter?
Why does everyone have to worry about me?
Why do I have to celebrate birthdays at the cemetary?
Why do I have to clean headstones and not rooms?
Why did I come home from the hospital with boxes and not my babies?
Why does my heart hurt so bad?
Why was Tred taken at 21 weeks?
Why was Talya taken at 38 weeks?
Why do I feel alone?

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T16:24:00.002-05:00

This was a particulary hard day. Not only am I missing 2 children but it was also 1 month from the day Talya passed.

Where do I go from here

2009-04-29T11:50:00.004-05:00

I am not sure where to go from here. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life. Everything was planned when I was pregnant with Tred. I was going to stay home and do daycare. I have since stopped doing daycare. Tred passed away and I was going to stay home until E was in school. We found out I was pregnant and things were going according to plan again. I would stay home and possibly start daycare again so I could raise the new baby. Then the horrific day came and Talya passed away. Again our plans were ripped from us and now I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel as though with the babies passing I lost myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. What do I stand for? I feel so empty that feel bad for my children having to see me so sad everyday.

I wish their were more support groups in MN. Yes I don't mind talking to my friends and families about my babies but I really want to talk to other people that have experienced what I have. I know it's a long shot, but it's something that I would like to have.

*SIGH*

2009-04-23T17:05:00.003-05:00

Today was our due date for Talya. I am so sad and to top it off we got the results back today from her autopsy. How the hell does it happen again. They found Group B strep in her system. What is wrong with me? Am I defective? A baby passing away from a virus and the other from a bacteria. UUUGGGHHH. I just want to throw-up. My dr. is now wanting me to be seen by a Maternal-Fetal medicine dr. to review the records and see what is going on with me.

I am so sad today and hope my sleeping pill kicks in fast!!!

It just doesn't seem real

2009-04-21T11:39:00.002-05:00

I guess I am still in shock that Talya passed away. It just doesn't seem real. I still cry for her but it just seems like a horrible nightmare. I just can't believe that she is gone. She was moving fine one night and the next morning she is gone. I can't help but feel I did something wrong to have lost 2 babies in a 10 month period. For now I can't emotionally handle being pregnant again. I never thought I would lose a baby and now I have lost 2. I am finding myself being more emotional at night and not sure why. I feel at peace in the day but once I have to go to sleep I just cry. I have a feeling it's because I just don't want to miss what B, P, and E do in their sleep. I have found myself check on them a few times before my sleeping pill kicks in, once that kicks in I am out until the morning (which may be a good thing for my healing).

We have started planting our garden adding a few beautiful flowers and family bought us some beautiful Statues to put in the garden. We may extend our garden a bit so the kids can plant the flowers themselves. So far Greg and B have planted the flowers, but I know that P and E want to plant some as well.

For now I am just feeling *blah*. I'm not happy, I'm not a blubbering mess, I'm just *blah*. Here is a picture of our precious angel Talya Rose.

Another loss

2009-04-13T20:48:00.002-05:00

I am so sad to announce that we lost our little princess Talya Rose. She was stillborn on 4/10 at 38 weeks gestation. I am beyond words to explain how I feel. I was being superstitious and didn't post much about my pregnancy. I had fears that if I talked about being pregnant something would happen. Well something did happen she will now be in heaven with her brother. As sad as I am I am glad they will be with each other.

2009-03-18T11:44:00.003-06:00

*SIGH*. I find myself having a hard time looking at Tred's pictures. It makes me so sad that he isn't here with us. I h ve his pictures up and when I see him I cry. I've even had a hard time talking about him of late becuase I tear up. I now am feeling extremely scared about this pregnancy. When I don't feel the baby move, I panic and fear the worst. I just want to get past this fear so I can deal with Tred's upcoming 1 year birthday. That was hard to say, I can't believe he's been gone almost a year. Oh, here come the tears.

Fear

2009-03-09T19:33:00.003-06:00

Well my fear of losing Tred has left me scared of posting somethings. I know it's irrational thinking but when you loose a baby how are you supposed to think? I so very much wanted Tred and now that he is gone I feel empty. I am very scared as to what is going to happen when the anniversary of his date approaches. I had a complete break down on his due date, what is going to happen to me on his anniversary? I sometimes wonder if people ignore me becuase I talk about him. I've got in contact with some old friends and once I tell them about Tred, I never hear from them again! It hurts to kinow that just becuase my son died, that people don't want to talk about him or are afraid to acknowledge him. Then I've got some old friends that I've been in contact with that still talk to me as well as occaionally ask how I am. Those are the ones that I wish I would have been closer to in school. You really find out who your friends are when something like this happens.

I hope that some day I will be able to go to the cemetary and be happy to know that Tred isn't sick anymore but is in a peaceful and wonderful place but for now I just wish he was with me and am still trying to work through him not being with us.

The kids are trying to remain positive about this pregnancy but I can tell that it's not the first thing they talk about as it's not the first thing I talk about either. It scares me so much that I am afraid of something going wrong. I am beginning to think I may need extra help with B. I think he needs to see a therapist or psychiatrist. He just overreacts more than before and now has a horrible temper and gets mad at the littlest things. Besides that I would like to have him talk about Tred and not feel guilty. He sees someone at school, however he doesn't talk much he just listens to what she has to say. I really don't want him to be a person that keeps everything inside and then blows up at the final straw.

*SIGH*

I love, miss and wish you were here with us Tred!

Angry

2009-02-07T20:57:00.002-06:00

I am so angry and upset that I just want to throw things. We didn't get a chance to visit Tred last week becuase of the kids sports. Well we visited him today and Then my anger struck. His marker had 2 inches of mud on it. Well thankfully we had a shovel to shovel it off and once we got the mud off we notices that their was a large spot on the marker that had been broken off. How could anyone be so rude and uncaring. The only think I have left of my baby is his marker and it look like that. Well it looks as though they snow was removed from the area because for 2 burials. This mud wasn't from any runoff or the snow melting. I just get so upset that Tred's marker was so yucky looking. I can understand if it was a thing from nature but this was clearly not a natural thing.

I have contacted the cemetary and hope to hear from them soon!

(I am currently 29 weeks and am very nervous. I ask Tred every day to watch over us after I say a special prayer for him)

I am not very good at blogging

2009-01-21T13:05:00.003-06:00

I have been so bag at keeping up blogging. I have been going through many things these last few months and some have been very hard. The holidays have been a bit hard but thankfully my husband and kids are very understanding because they are feeling the same. As I said, I have been going through a lot these last few months. We found out that I am pregnant again. It's bitter sweet and hard to be excited. I am constantly scared something is going to happen and we are going to be hurt again. We waited a long time before we told the kids and even now I am more than 1/2 way through the pregnancy and it is still scary.

When I told the kids E asked if the baby was going to die. That was the hardest question becuase I asked myself that same question. I said we hope not and left it at that. How can I answer the question when I am thinking it myself.

Anyway, We still have Sundays as day to visit Tred and it helps so much knowing that the kids look forward to visiting. I find it helpful to visit and have my time with him but wish I could hold him. I miss him every day!

It's been a long time

2008-11-23T09:46:00.003-06:00

Well I've been told I need to do an update since it's been a while. Thanks for the reminder pink lady. Well I am no longer doing daycare becuase of a long story that doesn't need to be hased again. I also had a sort of mental breakdown. Ever since Tred's due date came and went things have been going down hill. I was a complete mess that seconed guessed everything I did. I went to the dr. and was put back on medication, why I went off I have no idea but I obviously can't function without them. I feel like a failure that I can't function in life without the medication but I guess I will have to stay on it as long as it helps me heal.

I really had no idea that Tred's due date would hit so hard. It has been harder now than the first few months of his passing. I am going to counseling which is helping. I am able to talk to the dr. without feeling as though I am burdening her with my problems. I know many people say that when I talk about Tred isn't a burden but it feels like it to me. I don't want to live my life sad that I lost Tred, I want to live happy that I was able to have the time I had with him.

Life is hard, I'm just glad that I have so many wonderful people in my life that are their for me when I need them.

Is their a word or set of words that make you stop in your tracks?

2008-10-25T21:31:00.001-05:00

Their is for me. It's 2 words and those that know me, know those words. Every time I hear them or see them written, I get flushed, sick feeling in my stomach and just plain pissed. Another thing I have to deal with I guess.

October 15th is Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

2008-10-14T22:45:00.001-05:00

On October 15, at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the United States will light candles in memory all of the precious babies that have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering.

http://www.october15th.com/

October 13, 2008

2008-10-12T22:33:00.002-05:00

This was my due date with Tred. I'm so sad he's gone. Tred we Love you and Miss you. Please keep watching over us.

Bittersweet feeling

2008-10-10T14:34:00.002-05:00

I paid all of my bills from when Tred died. It feels good to have paid them since they were all overdue but it just makes me sad.

I'm sick of excuses

2008-10-09T22:44:00.003-05:00

I am so tired of hearing excuses.

Rainy Day

2008-10-05T09:27:00.003-05:00

I've had this on my mind for a while and now it just seems to be more emotional today. My due date is approaching and I am so anxious and sad. Will anyone remember my due date, no, but I sure will. I am so scared what that day is going to be for me. I have daycare children all day (which is a good thing, so my mind stays occupied) but when they leave how am I going to handle the day. Should I just go to bed, should we do something special for Tred? I don't know. I just know that every time I think of the day, I cry. It just makes me so angry and sad that he isn't alive.

Huh

2008-10-01T09:16:00.003-05:00

Nothing new. Just sitting here thinking about life and what it's all about.

September 19

2008-09-19T09:58:00.003-05:00

I got a call this morning from my sister and she said my grandma died. I know she was sick but it's one of those things that you just don't want to accept. I know this time it's not just about me, it's about my mom. She lost both parents and I couldn't even imagein not having my parents around.

This is the first death in the family since Tred passed away and it just brings up so much emotion. I can't even explain how I'm feeling. Their are no words to express how sad I am for my mom.

September 16th

2008-09-16T21:26:00.002-05:00

Tred received his headstone. It looks good except it's a bit off center so the angel wing is not completely on the stone. I know I should say something from the people we purchased the stone from but I just fear that they will take it out and wait for the new one. I'm not ready to not see it the next time we visit. It hurt horribly bad to go and see it. We think it was put in the same day I had my tattoo. We recived a letter from the place we purchased the stone and they said it was put in the cemetary. It was a very bitter sweet visit to see his name in stone.

I am getting a bit emotional lately as his due date approaches. I am trying to find a way to keep busy but I am just not doing that very well. I seem to get sidetracked and start to think about how fast October is approaching.

As helpful as the computer has been, it's also a virus to me. I find it harder to do work every day and I'm sure it's just something that will pass but right now I can't keep my mind on one thing. I never know if it's Tred's passing or me just developing more issues. I have a counseling meeting coming up on Thursday. I start to wonder if this is going to be a good fit or not. It took almost 2 months to get it set up becuase of working during the day.

Hopefully when I go they will give me some useful information. I have been feeling very lonely being here at home. You can only have so much adult interaction with children.

*SIGH* It can only get better, It can only get better, It can only get better.

A couple of things

2008-09-11T22:04:00.003-05:00

I finally got my tattoo. It hurt but was well worth it. I always wanted rosebuds with the childrens names on the rosebuds and after Tred died, DH said that it would be a wonderful time. SO I DID IT. I love it. He didn't say anything about it so I am not sure what his feelings are. I did get compliments from many people. I now have something to look at in the mirror.

We also got a letter in the mail that Tred's stone has been placed at the cemetary. I called Greg to tell him and he drove their after work and took pictures. It's so bittersweet.

I can only hope for better days. My friends from PLM group and my internet moms have been great. I don't know what I would do without them.

Today

2008-08-31T22:18:00.004-05:00

I don't know what happened but I have been in pain all day. My back hurts so bad that am on the verge of tears. I can hardly stand up from a sitting or lying position. If I'm standing I'm fine I just can't put any pressure on my right leg or it will hurt horribly.

I am having issues with forgetfulness. I forgot again to take my meds and all hell broke loose. I was yelling at everyone for everything. Am I going to have to be dependant on these meds always to get through a day. My gosh, I had no idea how hard this was going to be.

Yesterday we went to a b-day party for my niece and she listened to me bitch about how only a few family members are their for us. I am so confused at how family members can completely ignore us and how we are hurting. Am I being selfish to expcet Greg's brothers to be their for them since DH was their for one brother when he was having problems? My sister hasn't talked to me in ages becuase she thinks I'm sad (per my mom), well DUH!!!!. So acknoweldge me. Greg doesn't wants to just write them off but for me it's easier to not deal with them then expect them to come around.

On another note, time is getting closer for my tatto. I am getting nervous becuase I know it's going to hurt but then I know If I am still alive to deal with the pain of losing Tred, I can handle the pain of a tattoo.

Feeling sad today.

2008-08-26T23:06:00.002-05:00

Today was one of those tough days. I just felt sad from the moment I woke up until now. I wish I could turn off that sad switch. Better yet, I'd like to just erase the pain from my body and mind. I went to my support group today and my gosh, it was so hard. I cried so much my body aches. Just remembering everything that happened and the things the kids have said just make me overwhelmed. I am hoping DH comes with me next time, it's very exhausting.

Missing you baby Tred.

Week full of updates

2008-08-14T08:11:00.000-05:00

Well my emotions were getting the best of me and I found yet another friend that has gone through the loss of their baby. It makes me so sad that so many people I know have had a loss that is just, in my opinion, is the hardest loss someone can have. This friend, "H", and I were e-mailing back and forth and she gave me such wonderful information. She really put so many things in perspective that I knew were true, I just couln't get myself to understand them. I am so thankful to "H" for helping me understand my feelings that I ventured out in public. That's right, after 2 months of only grocery shopping at night and not going out with friends, I took the plunge and went out 2 times in 1 week and 1 time this week.

"H" has been everything to me. She has helped me get out of this slump that I'm in by giving me wonderful advice on how to start to heal. Her exact quote to me " step OUTSIDE the pain. Its easier to live in the pain than it is to step outside it and learn to live life again. It's something so simple to say and yet so hard to do." And she is so right. It's easier to live sad, unhappy and in pain becuase it hurts so bad but yes I know that I have to try and live again.

A wonderful friend (my soul sister), "K", and I had dinner and we talked and it was wonderful. It's nice to have someone to talk with that understands, but it's also sad to have someone to talk with because they understand. We talked about our losses and laughed, which I haven't done in a long time, and just were their for each other. "K" was their for me more than I was for her. right now I hope to get back on the ball and be their for her when she needs to talk as well.

"C" and I went to dinner the next night and she was wonderful. We talked about Tred and things that are going on in her life. I am very thankful to have such a good friend that hasn't had a loss that will listen to me talk about my feelings and the feelings of my family. I am very thankful for her friendship. Not many people will sit and listen when they've never been in this place.

I have an elementary school friend"R", best friend. We both went through a loss when our friend died when she was 12. We had a very hard time, but we had each other. As time went on we both had our lives go in different directions and we lost contact with each other. We then found each other on another site and have been talking on the phone ever since. She came to visit and listen and stayed for 1/2 the day. She has been wonderful.

I'm slowly getting back into life again and it's been pretty hard. I still have my days but for the most art the medication is heling with that. I am trying to not see the futuer as blek becuase Tred isn't with us but as a blessing that he was with us for the short time he was.

I had a weird thing happen the other night. I went to bed at my ususal 3:00am, I have many reasons for this that I am going to try and get fixed, who knows if that will happen. but I woke up out of a sleep and could smell baby powder. We don't have powder in or near our room and immediatly I thought is was Tred. Is that weird to think? I am hanging on to anything that is different that could possibly be a sign from Tred. I can only hope he is happy and being taken care of by my grandfathers and Greg's grandparents.

Thank you to my wonderful friends that have been their for us.

I think I spoke too soon

2008-08-04T22:10:00.003-05:00

UUUGGGHHHH. OK I am now just an angry and mad person. Everything just pisses me off lately. I just don't want to make anyone mad but I'm sure I will. I just can't stand to hear when someone is pregnant. I get so angry and I know I shouldn't but I do. I just can't deal with my feelings today. I started crying when I told Greg I was going to go out. WHY am I crying. Well I haven't seen many people and the idea of going out in public just scares me. It may sound dumb, but it does scare me. What if I have to explain what happened to our little Tred and then their is that ackward silence or I have a melt down. I don't want to do that in public. It's a lot easier to do it at home becuase my family has seen it so many times.

I have been emotional and angry all day. I don't know if it started from something E said or if I just woke up to it. I had gotten the kids breakfast and E asked B if he was sad that Tred died. B said ya I'm sad. Then E said I'm not sad my heart is sad. I just didn't know what to say and started to tear up. How does a 3 year old know about a heart being sad. UGH. Why does my family have to deal with this or with me for that matter. Some days I just don't want to wake up and others I think I will wake up from this dream. Everything just seems so uncertain. I just want to be happy, how do I do that?

I think the meds are working

2008-08-01T09:46:00.003-05:00

I think I had said this but just in case I didn't(I am horrible at remembering) the dr.s upped my antidepressant medication. They felt as though I needed at higher dose. Well it seems to be helping a bit. I still cry, just not as much and it's mostly at night when I'm lying in bed unable to sleep. I just have too many thoughts on "what could have been". Greg and I had a talk last night about a lot of things from his family to our family. MIL has come back into our life and we've just decided to let things be water under the bridge. Greg has opened up more than he ever has. I enjoy being able to talk to him and get the truth of how he is feeling instead of the usual "nothing is wrong" or "I'm fine".

MIL has been a huge help through all of our struggles and I am grateful that she is stepping up to be the mother we've always wanted her to be.

I feel like the worst friend.

2008-07-28T16:31:00.003-05:00

I have so many wonderful friends and I just can't get myself to call them. I am in my own world and I just can't do it. I sit here at home and daydream about what life would be like having Tred. Is it healthy, probably not but it's something I can't help. I see the other kids and just wonder if Tred would be like them. I am thinking I now have anxiety. I get very nervous for things to happen and can't make definite plans on anything for fear of crying in public. Why would it be any different than crying at home. The attention I guess. I love attention but not in that way. I have a wonderful group if internet friends and I sign on to see how everyone is doing but I just can't get myself to post. They are all important but I am afraid of people thinking I've gone on with my life. I'm afraid to smile, to joke, to really do aything. I want the world to know about Tred and those that know about him, I don't want them thinking I've forgot about him. Is that silly?

I don't know about much these days. My life is the title of my blog I'm trying. *SIGH* A great friend, K, told me it gets easier. I sure hope so becuase right now from where I stand, I'm in a hole and just can't get out.

It had to happen.

2008-07-27T22:42:00.002-05:00

Today I had to drop my oldest off at a birthday party. I was pretty sure everyone knew that we had lost Tred, but not everyone knew. I got him to the party place and one of the moms asked if I had the baby yet. I took a breath and told her that Tred was stillborn. She looked at me in shock, apologized and then started to tear up. I told her not to otherwise I would cry and it wouldn't make for a fun day for the kids. She again said she was sorry and then turned to talk to other moms. I told her I had to go, which I did, and then left. I teared up a bit in the van but stopped before I made it to my destination. I picked him up 3 hours later and the mom didn't say another word about Tred or us losing him. I wish everyone would just talk about him or talk about how we lost him. He is still a person. We still hurt deeply that he's gone. *SIGH*

We actually talked

2008-07-24T08:55:00.004-05:00

Well it's been a while since Greg and I talked about our feelings, about Tred and about our future. It was a good conversation. We made it through with tears in our eyes but we talked. We both decided that we will no longer be getting "fixed". I was not wanting to make it a permanent thing and even more so now. We really thought we had our completeness - is that a word - with 4 children. Now that we have experienced Tred passing away we are very sure that we don't want to make our fertility a permanent loss. (I hope that makes sense) Anyway I told him what went on at the dr. and that the dr. asked if I would like to be on birth control and I said no. The dr. asked if I get pregnant would that be an OK think for DH and I. In my rudeness I said "I am OK with that and was OK with being pregnant 4 times too, if I get pregnant again I think it would be more than OK." I apologized for my harshness and said I know that it is party of her job to ask and she said that it's something expected when some has such a significant loss. I talked to DH about this and he was on board with no birth control as well it's another one of those permanent things that we don't want to do.

We are in the process of starting Tred's memorial garden. Greg and his brother own their own Irrigation business so we have added a watering system to the garden which means that it will get watered every day. So far we have had a few wonderful donations from family. My mom and dad bought us a beautiful wrought iron trike. MIL and FIL have given us an angel that lights up at night and she put Tred's name on the star that the angel is holding, 2 garden light sticks that turn color at night and 2 plants to put in the wrought iron trike. It's coming along slowly. We wanted the children to be involved so they will plant a flower every year for Tred and we also purchased a stone to put in the garden with a beautiful phrase "My Love No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it and only God knows why. We probably won't get any flowers for the garden until next year becuase Greg has been out of work for 3 weeks unpaid. Financially we can't do them this year so the garden is pretty much done this year. We are looking for some garden stakes or chimes that have Angles on them. I was hoping I could find a nice pregnancy loss or stillbirth garden items but their are none out their that I can find. If anyone wants to help us find those things that would be great.

We Love and Miss you tons Tred.

What a day.

2008-07-22T19:12:00.002-05:00

I had my 6 week check-up today and it was so emotional. I thought I would be fine but the minute I stepped into the office I felt as though I was going to fall apart. I also had to fill out a questionnaire on my mental status. I wasn't prepared for that at all. Needless to say, they gave me a higher dose of medication. I thought I was doing better but I apparently wasn't. Of course their are 2 Angie's in the waiting room so when they called my name I just assumed it was the other one and sat and waited. The nurse came out and said I was the Angie she wanted. While waiting to be called back, in walks 2 pregnant women. OH MY HEART JUST SANK. I just wanted to walk out. I was supposed to be in that office for my pregnancy not a post-partum visit. The nurse came and got me and said that she was so sorry for making me wait and stated that it was probably the last place I wanted to be. She was right. They roomed me and the nurse told me she was sorry for our loss and to let us know if their was anything they could do so I said thank you. The NP came in and spoke to me and she gave me a higher dose of meds and gave me a referral to a Therapist. Thank goodness becuase I wasn't finding one on my own. I also have an appt. to have 2 lumps under my arms looked at. It was definitly not milk so it looks at though I may need surgery again to have 2 fatty tumors removed. OH JOY. These appts are so bitter sweet. Yes I need the help but I shouldn't be going to these appts because I should be pregnant.

God

2008-07-21T08:29:00.003-05:00

Well I am starting to trust God and pray to him even thought I am still angry. I feel as though I was giving him a time-out for Tred's death. I am still angry and he was the person I could blame because he was supposed to protect us. I guess I am very thankful to have everyone and everything I have, I just want to blame someone for Tred dying and God was the available party to be angry with. Yes, I believe in God and I hope he can forgive me for being so angry with him, but that doesn't mean that I am still angry for having to deal with my children, husband and myself being sad and having a gaping hole in our hearts.

We Love you Tred!!!!

Tribute to Tred

2008-07-15T23:27:00.002-05:00

I have been working on a Tribute and reminder of how Tred looked and how things were when Tred was bornstill. I found it hard to do but needed to do it. I was working on a program that I Had on my computer but it just didn't work the way I wanted. A friend got in contact with me and showed me a tribute to her son (very beautiful and precious) and I took advantage of the site and made one that turned out just as I wanted. Thank you to that person. I need to thank many people but I owe lots to 3 wonderful woman that have extended their hands to me and told me their stories of loss. I will be forever grateful and thankful to have you in my life. If it wasn't for your support and stories I don't know how I would have made it through my loss. You 3 women know who you are and I thank you for everything you have done and thank you immensely for taking me under your wings and showing my life can go on and that Tred will live in my heart forever.

THANK YOU!!!!
http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=667607586b05d4b35d1164&skin_id=601&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=email

How do I get my faith back????

2008-07-10T11:21:00.004-05:00

UGH, I am just lost at how to get my faith back. I am so angry with God and can't help but question why. Why was Tred taken from us. Why do I have to be so sad, angry and hurt. Why does my husband have to deal with the loss of his son. Why do my children have to endure the hurt of losing a brother. WHY, WHY, WHY? Why would my God take our son from us. I keep thinking these things when I get a question from my 3 year old that is full of questions that I can't answer.

This morning while getting ready for the day I woke the kids up. E wanted to cuddle and have his back lightly tickled (something all of the boys enjoy). He asked "Why did the baby die", I could only tell him because he was sick because I wanted that answer as well. He then asked "When can he have his lives back", I told him that he isn't here on earth with us but he will see him again in heaven. Yes I still believe in heaven, I just have a hard time believing in God right now. He then asked "Are you sad mommy". And I answered him as I always do "I'm sad that Tred is in haven but happy that I have you".

Can someone tell me why my 3 year old asks these questions. He is just too young to have to notice this type of pain and sadness. *SIGH* Why can't I be happy that we had the opportunity to have Tred in our lives. Instead I am just so sad that he isn't with us now. I just want that hurt to go away. I want to believe in God that he will help us heal but I just can't find that.

I love and miss you baby Tred.

Happiness seems so far away

2008-07-08T09:25:00.003-05:00

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror. I look old. I look so worn down and I now have a permanent frown. I've always heard that a frown takes more muscles than a smile however, I am not even making the frown. It's just their on my face. What's their to be happy about? My other children and my husband. I can't even smile for them anymore. I love them with all of my heart but their is that hole in my heart that is just prevailing over my happiness. Everyone around me seems to be doing great. Time has gone by and Tred isn't the main subject anymore and that just scares me. I want the world to know that I had him and what casued him to pass away. I looked at his pictures today and just cried. How could a perfect little boy be taken away by such a dumb virus. Everything I do, everthing I look at just reminds me of him. I go to sleep and the frist thing I see when I close my eyes is his face. I have a recurrent dream of when we had him. Every morning I wake up and it's as if I have relived his birth the daybefore. Really, why do I have to go through this? Why does my family have to go through this. I thought I was doing ok, but then the sadness just hits me. I just can't get over that question. WHY, WHY, WHY???? I just want an answer. I am going to be requesting my medical records so we have just 1 more thing to remember that I was pregnant and that he was living in me. I have my 6 week check up coming soon and I just dread going. I only saw the dr 2 times and then went to the highrisk dr. I want it to get easier and want to be happy that I had him for the brief time that I did but I am just sad that I don't have him.
I LOVE YOU BABY TRED!!!!

It's been a month

2008-07-03T12:50:00.003-05:00

What a long month it has been. I am finding myself sad all the time. I can't sleep but when I do find time to sleep I just can't get up. I keep dreaming of Tred and seeing his face everytime I go to sleep which might explain why I don't want to wake up. I am hearing from people I never thought I would hear from saying they are sad and sorry to hear about our baby. Anytime anyone says they are sorry about our baby I hold it together long enough and then breakdown when they can't see me. I am finding it harder to want to be alive. Don't get me wrong. I would never hurtmyself, I just don't like feeling this way. I am sad, angry, frustrated, unmotivated, tired, and just feel as though I have a black cloud around me. I am wanting so bad to find faith in God and just don't know how to do it. I have been calling around and found 2 counselors that deal with pregnancy loss so I am determined to seek them out and help. I am going to get in touch with our church to see if they can recommend a place to speak with someone/group with regard to finding my faith again. I really never thought I would be in this place ever. I want to be hapy again and happy and I can only hope that Tred is happy where he is. It hurts so much knowing that he's gone and that we won't be able to see him grow. I look at the kids and it just makes me sad seeing the 3 children playing and knowing that that one is missing.

Sunday

2008-06-29T23:16:00.003-05:00

We have designated Sundays our cemetary visitation day. The kids look forward to this day and actually got mad when Greg was working. They thought we weren't going to be going. I assured them that Dad had to work and we will visit Tred later in the day. It was so nice to go see him today. This week has been a rought one, I don't know why, it just has been. My sister has been so good to me. She calls to see how I'm doing and has been able to listen to me whenever I need to talk to someone.

I also have a wonderful internet support group. I have internet friends that I have talked on-line with for 7 years (since I was pregnant with P). I also have a wonderful set of internet friends that I am able to see in real life. I have gotten so much support from both groups of woman and am so greatful that I found them. I am so greatful for the wonderful women I have in my life. You are all definitly my sisters.

Thank you all that have supported us through this rough time. I am sure I will have more rought days ahead of me and am so glad I am able to discuss it with all of you!

On a different note, I am finding it harder and harder as time goes on to smile. I noticed this when we were driving to visit Tred. I find it hard to smile at anything and just want it to change. I hate being unhappy and sad. I have wonderful friends and a great family and I still can't fine it in myself to smile. I want to be happy again. I e-mailed a wonderful person "C" about how I hate GOD right now and I don't want to feel that way either. Sometimes I feel so lost and lonely that it makes me even more sad and unhappy. *SIGH*

I have decided to seek out professional help. I don't want the other children to feel as thought I don't care about them. I have noticed that I have changed and want to be happier for them. I hope I can find it in myself to follow-through with getting myself happier.

Why can't I do this.

2008-06-29T00:44:00.003-05:00

I was invited to a friends house a week ago but it was for today. I got things to go there and I had P and E with. I had them all packed to go and I had to grab a few things at the store. I was on my way there and I just couldn't do it. This wave of fear and sadness just swept over me. My day started out with sleeping too late (sleep issues are not a new thing for me but have gotten worse). I had to get Greg a pair of swim trunks for a swimming party he was taking B to so I could go to my friends house. I had a hell of a time finding swim trunks and then I ended up with the wrong size. I am just so embarrassed that I wasn't able to do this. I had to text my friend and tell him I was having a bad day. I ended up at my moms house and cried a bit. UUUGGGHHH. I just want this feeling to go away. Sadness, Anger and Fear are just no fun.

Lets try this again

2008-06-25T12:05:00.002-05:00

I lost my other post so this may be rambling. I went to a support group last night and it was nice. I feel as though I was able to cry and I didn't need to hide my feelings to protect Greg and the kids from being sad. I received our baby pictures today. They were beautiful. I also received my bracelet that I had ordered for myself and the kids. I am going to order a keychain for Greg.

Another day

2008-06-25T11:28:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I got a visitor in the afternoon. My pictures of Tred arrived. They were just beyond beautiful. I enjoy looking at his pictures but then again it's so hard that I have pictures and not him. I also received my charm for my bracelet that I ordered for myself and the kids. I am still trying to find a decent priced keychain for Greg to have. I went to a support group last night and it was nice to be able to cry and not feel as thought I need to kep it together for the kids. I am trying to look at things in a lighter note but it's very hard to do when a piece of my heart is missing. I am trying to get out more but it's hard. I want to be happy but it's hard. I feel if I go and do fun things, I am not remembering my little boy. I know it sounds silly but I just don't want to forget him. I don't want my happiness to overshadow him being a person. Someone told me a great quote from the Dr. Seuss movie - Horton hears a Who "A person's a person no matter how small". Thank you for that quote!!!

SIGH

2008-06-23T16:01:00.002-05:00

I made an agreement with a magazine company about purchasing magazines. Well apparently I can't cancel it becuaes it's alike a pre-pay magazine subscription. This middle man company pays for the magazines ahead of time. SO now I am stuck with this useless payment of magazines that noone reads. I don't want to make the payment becuase in order for funeral expenses to be paid, we need to cut costs as soon as possible. *SIGH* This is so hard.

Does it ever get easier?

2008-06-21T08:46:00.004-05:00

The last few days have been hard. I can't seem to contain my sadness and cry at the drop of a hat. I see a baby I cry, I see a pregnant woman I cry, I see baby clothes I cry. I see my children and I cry because they won't get to lay with their brother. *SIGH* Life is so hard and then you add the loss of your child and it's even harder. My sister explains things to be like she would a child, I need hearing the child analogies because it's easier to comprehend. She said that you found out your baby has passed, you have to give birth to him, you have his funeral and you also have postpartum depression. She said hello, you will cry and get angry. Right now I feel as though I'm in a black hole that I just can't get out of. My happiness has been drained. I don't laugh, I don't smile I don't joke around. It's so hard to feel this way knowing how I was before Tred passed away.

My sister and I went to a tatoo parlor. I have been wanting a tatto of the kids for years I've just never set anything up. I was so impressed with the free hand drawing and am so excited about the tatoo. It was more than I was wanting. I wanted rose buds with the childrens names spelled in the stem. The tatoo artist said that it would look messy so he drew rosebuds and a banner with their names. It was beautiful. I wanted Tred's name and birth/death date on wings. He drew a full bloom rose with wings and Tred's name and birth/death date as the top of the tatoo. I just about started to cry. It was beautiful. It will take 4 hours and of course it's expensive. but well worth it. Greg wasn't even shocked by the money once he saw how amazing the tatoo was. We are all lookig forward to September when the tatoo gets done. One highlight is I get all of my children's names on me forever!!!

Tred's Funeral

2008-06-17T10:01:00.004-05:00

Tred's funeral was on June 9th at 3:00. We got to the cemetary at 2:30 our families were already their. We pulled into the one of many driveways and met with the funeral home. He was talk and all I heard was Tred's in the backseat. As soon as I heard that I broke down. He will never be in my backseat but he's in their backseat. After a few hugs and crying and waiting for the preist, we all started our line of cars to the gravesite. Greg had given our camera to our Sister-in-law to take pictures. We of course wanted as many pictures as possible to remember Tred and his service. Greg the kids and I got out of the van and the priest immediatly came up to us and offered his sorrow for our loss. I again broke down. After a few minutes to catch ourelves, Greg picked Tred's casket out of the funeral homes truck. It was so small but beautiful. I again broke down. I could't contain myself at that point watching Greg walk Tred's casket to his resting spot. The service began and Greg and I just cried the whole time. Neither of us were really watching the children becuase we thought they would talk to family members. The priest has finished his prayers came to us to again offer his condolences. I was fixed on Tred's casket and really didn't pay attention to our surroundings. Greg looked at the kids and P was in tears. He told me and I grabbed her and we huged for about 10 minutes but it felt like forever. I wanted to badly to take away her sadness but we were all feeling sad. We all went back to the van and P was still crying. E has said in a sad voice "I want my brother back". Again we all broke down and started crying. B, P, E, Greg and myself were just heartbroken. We all wanted our little boy back. My sister came over to me and hugged me and we cried together. She has had a few early losses as well and with Tred passing, I'm sure brought her feelings of loss back to the forefront. I am so greatful that I have my sister to lean on. She has been my rock. She calls daily to check up on us and she's their when I just need someone to vent to. She doesn't add her two-cents, she just listens. She is just wonderful and I will be forever greatful that I have her in my life. We came home after the funeral and have a nice lunchon that my sister put togther. All family members brought something, which is great since Greg and I haven't had any energy to cook. The engergy we have is spent mourning our loss of Tred and making it as easy as we can for the children. Greg and kids and I talked about something to do to keep Tred's spirit alive. We all decided to make a garden. No tree's just flowers. This gives the kids a chance to be a part of his life and make him as important as they are. We will plant flowers every year. We decided on flowers so if we ever plan to move, our garden can come with us. We are in the process of designing and making the garden look beautiful.

From the beginning

2008-06-16T08:49:00.006-05:00

I will start from the beginning. Greg and I have 3 children and had only planned on having 2. While we were dating in Highschool we had always talked about having a boy and then a girl and then we would be done having children. We had our boy and then we had our girl. Greg and I didn't want to make any medical decision about not having anymore children. A few years went by and low and behold, I was pregnant. I was on the pill and got pregnant. We were in complete shock. I had been on the pill and it always worked. We were so happy to be adding to the family even if it wasn't planned. Another few years went by and Holy Crap, we are pregnant again. Another unplanned pregnancy but we were again excited to add another person to our family.

As the months went on we had to wait to go to the dr. because we were between insurances. I found out I was pregant after both Greg and I thought it had been a while since I had my AF. I am a very moody person and had been diagnosed as having PMDD so that moodiness wasn't their. I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. I called DH at work and said "Are you sitting down". I told him "We're pregnant". He couldn't belive it. We again weren't trying and it happened. He was excited and scared as I was. I went to a local no pay pregnancy place and they confirmed I was pregnant. I started prenatal vitamins and went online to see what foods I wasn't able to eat.

As time went on we slowly started to tell friends and family that we were having a 4th. Holy buckets, I was going to have another baby. I went on ebay and craigslist to find maternity clothes, baby clothes and then of course I was determined to breastfeed. I went online and was looking at cover-ups. I found a beautiful green one that was for both boys and girls. DH and I decided this would be our last baby, 4 children was a great number. I got rid of everything after we had E.

I had my first appointment with a Nurse practitioner. I switched OBGYN's because of the drive time. It choose an OBGYN that was closer to our home. My appt. was on Tuesday April 8th at 9:30am. Our new insurance was in effect and by my LMP I was already 3 months pregnant. Everything was going great. On Wednesday April 23rd I found out I was exposed to Fifths disease (parvovirus). I was in a panic, but my sister and husband thought things were fine. I was exposed to it before and once you've caught it, you can't get it again. I called my OB and they wanted me to come in and have labwork done. I wasn't able to do it during the day becuase of my work. Well that night I went to my general practitioner's office to have lab work done becuase of my time issues. I had to wait a few days for the results but on Saturday I already knew what they were. I had developed the rash that is consistant with Fifths disease. I got my lab results back on Monday and my OB decided it would be beneficial to see a high risk OB to have ultrasounds done to make sure our baby didn't catch the virus.

My next OB visit was on Tuesday May 6th and I saw a dr. this time. She was so nice and very informative. She said that when I go to the highrisk dr. that they would keep her uptodate as to what the ultrasound results are. My First Ultrasound was on May 18. I took a shower around 11:30 becuase I couldn't sleep. I got out of the shower and I was bleeding. I was admitted to L&D and they did an ultrasound and everything was fine. They had no idea why I was bleeding and since it stopped they send me home. We also found out we were having a boy. DH was so excited that he already had a named picked out. He told me the name and I was all for it. It was an unusual name but not too far off the wall. All of our children have unique names. Also we thought our srteak was pretty funny. All of the boys were unplanned pregnancies. We were pretty sure that we were having a boy for that reason and the ultrasound confirmed it. I also bought tons of clothing online for a boy. I have newborn to 24 month clothes. Roughly 2 bags for each age group. I was set for clothing.

I had my first highrisk ultrasound on Tuesday May 20th. Everything was fine but they wanted me to come in every week to keep an eye on the baby. The dr.s main concern was to keep an eye on anemia developing in our baby boy. I was scheduled to have another ultrasound on Tuesday April 27th but it my oldest sons field trip and I wanted to go along with him. We reschedule the ultrasound for Wednesday May 28th. The ultrasound revealed our worst fear, he was anemic. He had fluid in his abdomen (ascities) as well as small amounts of fluid around his heart. They rescheduled me for an ultrasound on Thursday April 29th to see if things were getting worse. The next day came by pretty fast and we had the ultrasound and it was for certain, it was worse. The fluid in the abdomen had gotten worse. It was also getting worse around his heart and now their were signs in his head and neck. We were scheduled for a blood transfusion. It wasn't me having the transfusion, it was our little boy. He was so small and his gestational age was 20 weeks and 4 days. The dr.s were very certain that he would be fine after the transfusion with a and we would have a follow-up ultrasound on Monday June 2nd if things looked better. If they didn't look better we would have another trnasfusion on Tuesday June 3rd.

We went into the office on Friday May 30th at 2:00 to have the transfusion. I was crying out of fear for our baby. The dr.s had to use the ultrasound machine to see where the baby was. He was so small they decided to fill the abdomen with the transfusion and then on Tuesday if he needed another transfusion they would go through the umbilical cord. His umbilical cord was so small that they wanted to wait a week to see if the umbilical cord got a bit bigger. The dr stuck the needle in my belly, through my uterus and into the amniotic fluid. Our baby boy moved so they had to take the needle out and try again. The second attempt was great. They did it all and the needle was in our baby's belly and filling the ascites (fluid filled abdomen) with blood. It worked, we were one day closer to saving our baby. I was told to take it easy all weekend and not lift anything over 5 lbs. I rested as much as I could being we have 3 active children.

I was scheduled for an ultrasound on Monday June 2nd at 3:45 to check and see if the ascites had gotten worse of if the transfusion worked. This day will be in my memory forever. Greg was working so we thought it was fine for me to go to the ultrasound because our baby would be fine. I walked in, layed down and got ready for the ultrasound. She started and I knew immediatly, their was no heartbeat. She swept around my belly and then delivered the devestating news. I'm sorry your baby has passed. I need to get the dr. and do a few more scans. She handed me some tissue and then left to tell the dr. She came back in to me in tears. She said she was sorry and rubbed my arm before she had to continue the ulrasound. They had to have in their paperwork that their was no heartbeat. She said she was goig to have the dr. and nurse come in to talk to me. She left the room and I just broke down staring at the tv screen. HOW COUD THIS HAPPEN TO US. I was a wreck. I sat in the chair thinking I was in a dream. I just heard his heartbeat on Friday, how could this be happening to us.

The dr. that did the transfusion, the nurse, the ultrasound tech and another dr. came in to offer their condolenses and help me through the news that I just received. They asked if I wanted to stay or to leave. I wanted to call Greg before I did anything. I called him hysterical. He asked what was wrong and I told him, "he died". We were both silent and then he said "WHAT", and I broke down. I said that he had died and that their wasn't a heartbeat. We talked for a bit and we decided that is was best for Greg to go on with the night becuase B had baseball. I left the office with some pregnancy loss paper work and when I got to my van, I called my sister and just cried. She was so great and said she was sorry and asked if we needed help with getting the kids to their sports. I told her that I would, but not today. I called my mom and we both cried on the phone. Greg's mom was watching the children and I just didn't want to see her or anyone for that matter. I got home and right away Greg ran out to me and we stood their and hugged and cried. We told the kids and it didn't really set in for them right away. They weren't sure what to say or do but I really didn't expect them to know. This is not something a child or anyone should have to go through.

I called the dr. the next day to see what to do next. I was given the option to let my body go into labor on it's own or to be induced. I choose to be induced. I couldn't even imagine going into labor and have physical pain on top of the emotional pain I was feeling. The dr.'s office scheduled me to come in to their office on Wednesday to start the process of delivering our baby boy.

I went to the dr. on Wednesday June 4th at 2:oo to have Dilateria, a laminaria by product, put into my cervix to help soften it to get it ready for labor. It was painful. One thing I didn't want is pain. I already had enough pain that started when we found out our baby boy was gone. I had some slight cramping so I pretty much stayed in bed the rest of the night. We were scheduled for our induction at the hospital at 8:00 Thursday morning.

I went to the hospital the next day to be induced. We were told to be at the labor and delivery department at 8:00. We got their at 7:30 because traffic was lighter than we had planned. The nurse came and got us at about 8:45 and nothing was started until 10. We had to walk past the nursery which was so hard knowing I wasn't going to have our baby in that area. at 10:00 they put some pills near my cervix to help it dialiate. Every 4 hours they had to repeat this. I wasn't sure what time it was but the contractions and back pain started and I asked for an epidural. I wanted this to go as painlesss as possible. After 8 failed attempts at sticking that damn needle in my back, the 9th time was a charm. It was working, the pain was gone. I could still feel a bit of feeling in my feet and I could move my legs but the back pain was gone.

At about 11:00 I could feel some pressure. The dr. came in and said the pressure was my bag of water. She broke my water and said we could either push him out or let my body do the pushing. I looked at Greg and said "what do I do". I really didn't know what to do. I wasn't ready for this to happen. I wasn't ready. Greg really wasn't ready to make the decision either so I said I would push him out. It took 2 pushes and Tred Paul was born still at 11:11 pm. He was 12 oz. and 9 1/2 inches long. The nurse asked if I wanted to see Tred and I said yes. They didn't have to clean him up as he looked wonderful. The dr. said she would come back later and check on the placenta and the nurse left as well. Greg was very emotional and had a hard time talking. He was crying like I have never seen before and that just made me hurt. I felt a of peace for Tred but was very angry that he was gone. He was just beautiful. He had so many features that we saw in the other children. We had the Hospital Chaplain come in and bless him and the Chaplain talked with us for a while and she prayed for us to get our faith back becuase of my anger towards God. The next day we had pictures taken from Now I Lay me Down to Sleep. The photographer was wonderful. She was so respectful of us and our little boy.

We didn't sleep at all. We took catnaps but not a good sleep. I was afraid that if I didn't look at him constantly, I would forget what he looks like. If I wasn't holding him I was looking at him. The next day at 3:30 we were as ready as we could have been to leave. I had such a hard time leaving without out baby. We were leaving the room and I kissed Tred on the forehead and said I love you as we walked out of the room. The nurse, that had taken care of me while I was in labor and when I delivered Tred, was starting her shift for the day and asked if she could give me a hug on our way out. She is a wonderful lady and was so good to us knowing what was going to happen.

We came home and my sister was watching the other children. She was just great. We walked in and she had done everything. She stayed for about 10 minutes looking at Tred's pictures and then left so we could have some time with the children. I explained what happened and showed them pictures. They thought he was so cute and talked about stuff to do for him. I pretty much spent the next few days in bed trying to figure out what to do with myself. I eventually got out of bed and stayed around home. I just wanted to hide.

We are all still trying to heal and I still am angry with God for what happened. How could such a simple virus end our baby's life. I may in time forgive God but for now I am just angry that he would want our family to be so sad.

I'm just exhausted

2008-06-14T09:36:00.004-05:00

P wanted to go for a walk today so we took the big dogs and she E and I went for a walk. It was nice to get out but still felt as though everyone was looking at me. We got home and the neighbors asked how I was. I couldn't lie, I said I feel like shit. I do. I don't do anything for myself, I have to almost leave myself notes to brush my teeth and take a shower. I've given up on my happiness and have not put more effort into the kids and them being happy. A person that I know is pregnant and is due 2 weeks after I was. We talked and I asked her if she found out the sex of her baby. She said she was having a boy. I had a feeling she was going to have a boy and it just cut through my heart. I envisioned the future and my little guy wasn't a part of it. I held it together until I went in the house and I just broke down. I am very happy for her I'm just more sad for us. I still question WHY. I just want an answer as to why Tred won't be able to grow-up and play with us or is brothers and sisters. I worry about the impact his death is on the children. P doesn't want to talk about him, E talks about him all the time and B somehow feels he's the reason he passed away. I am now trying to deal with my sadness and on top of it I have to figure out a way to make the kids feel just as important as our little Tred.

Today will be a week

2008-06-12T11:58:00.003-05:00

Today is a week since we had our little angel. Greg and I are trying to cope with being parents and grieving the lost of our little Tred. Greg is taking this hard but is trying to hide it from me but I know him too well. He is hurting that his friends have not reached out to him. He wants the world to know how beautiful our little boy was but has nobody to talk with about it. I hope he can join a support group. We both need outlets.

It's so hard

2008-06-11T13:14:00.000-05:00

I've been trying hard not to be so sad but it just won't go away. I find I am robbing my children of their happiness. Today was hard. I find that when I am not doing anything that I tend to think of our little boy and get mad and angry at the fact that he isn't going to be with us. It hurts to know that we won't be able to see him crawl, walk, babble. It's just so hard to not be so sad. I saw a wonderful announcement in a yard "IT'S A BOY". What a wonderful event for that family but it is so hard to see. Our little boy doesn't get that. I just keep asking myself WHY?? I just don't understand.

I'm Trying to Live with the Loss of 2 Babies Within 10 months

Apologies

Sorry......no wait, I'm not sorry.

I'm just sad

Liar, Liar pants on fire.....

Blah..........

I miss you Tred and Talya

It's been a while

I miss you!

Thank you!!!!!

I wish some days I never woke up

2 years

Glad it was a sunny day.

Meaningful things make me happy and excited.

Why do my feelings turn on me

I need your heavenly babies special info.....

I said it before and I will say it again,

Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday Talya!!!

I wish people would understand

Can we just erase days.

And it happened again.

Blah

*SIGH*

Took some time off

Life

ANGER

What a rough week.

I lied

Still haven't finished announcements

Up Late

Just babbling

WTF is wrong with me.

Long Night

Just when we start to feel ok.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREG!!!!

*sigh* - just getting things out.

Do things ever survive.

UGH, I just hate that.

Dream or Nighmare?

My records

Just Thinking

Hurt

Could my babies be telling me something

UUUGGGHHHHH

Talya's birth story

Sad week

I love you!!!!! Happy Heavenly Birthday!

:(

I'm just sad and angry

I thought I could handle it

Today

Sunday was nice

F*&K You

Why?????

Mother's Day

Where do I go from here

It just doesn't seem real

Another loss

Fear

Angry

I am not very good at blogging

It's been a long time

Is their a word or set of words that make you stop in your tracks?

October 15th is Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day

October 13, 2008

Bittersweet feeling

I'm sick of excuses

Rainy Day

Huh

September 19

September 16th

A couple of things

Today

Feeling sad today.

Week full of updates

I think I spoke too soon

I think the meds are working

I feel like the worst friend.

It had to happen.

We actually talked

SIGH

sigh - just getting things out.

SIGH